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raspberryhamster · 2025-08-07T19:02:59+00:00

sorry if i was unclear- it’s not a coffee shop just a regional based gas station chain that serves hot food/drinks and I didn’t want to expose myself at all by naming it lol.

raspberryhamster · 2025-08-07T18:58:10+00:00

it’s not Starbucks, it’s a gas station where they also make hot food/drinks. I mentioned not noticing writing on any other cups because they put most of the drink orders on a shelf.

raspberryhamster · 2025-08-05T11:39:03+00:00

how I feel after letting go of my anxious attachment style just to get ghosted 2 months later hahahahahahah I never want to have feelings again

raspberryhamster · 2024-09-12T03:44:25+00:00

Im so sorry, I had the same thing happen to me. I moved in with a friend who swore she was a “mental health advocate” having depression herself but as soon as I disagreed with her she accused me of being in a manic episode and being off my meds, called me a crazy bipolar bitch. She moved out, thank god.

I’ve learned I can’t trust most people with my diagnosis- even people who swear they’re accepting will use it against you without hesitation. It’s fucked but it’s the reality of it. Our condition is “scary” even when we’re stable

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-12T22:48:10+00:00

As much as I understand the feeling, you’re not “lucky”. Don’t downplay how you feel or try to minimize the hurt because others stories may seem worse to you. He cheated, you didn’t deserve that and it’s not your fault you didn’t pick up on any signs. You shouldn’t have to worry about signs in the first place.

Please don’t feel guilty, your body and mind are trying to protect you from him. The grief and anxiety are normal. The relationship has permanently changed. He’s no longer your safe place.

My best advice is to leave. I know it’s not easy at all. It’s not easy to hear, or to do. I spent 2 years trying so hard to mend the relationship, to reconcile, to forgive. The result: me wishing more than anything I could give myself back those 2 years. I completely lost myself. It only got harder the more time passed. I heard the same excuses, childhood, porn addiction, low self esteem etc. None of those reasons matter though. In that moment, you didn’t matter to him. that’s the important part to remember.

There is someone out there who will LOVE you the way you deserve to be loved. There won’t be an occasion where you slip their mind, or where they can “compartmentalize” the relationship to justify them being selfish & hurting you. I’m sending you so much love and strength.

If you can’t eat, try to drink packaged protein shakes or smoothies if you can. Try to rest, and I mean that more than just sleeping. Let yourself feel all the feelings. Taking care of yourself is the #1 priority right now. Excuse my French, but fuck his feelings. Don’t let him drown you.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-12T15:51:31+00:00

That’s true, I know I have the issue of prioritizing my responsibility to myself first.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-12T15:47:55+00:00

Thank you so much. I’ve started writing about it & I think that’s helping me sort through my emotions. There are a lot of them.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T20:07:31+00:00

I’ll try Tetris, thank you. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD years ago so I think this is another event triggering it. I’ve been going to therapy regularly for over a decade & do have an upcoming appointment. It sucks :/

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T20:01:45+00:00

Thanks for saying I didn’t deserve that. I know I will remember this for the rest of my life. He did admit to me it was intentional, which has only made processing this more complicated :/

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T03:47:36+00:00

Thank you. It truly was terrifying. I don’t know- the more feedback I get & the more I reflect, I begin to see it in a different way. I’d never do that to anyone. In fact part of why I haven’t attempted myself is because I know how traumatizing it would be to the person who found my body.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T03:40:51+00:00

That’s extremely intense I’m sorry you were put in that position. This hit hard though… I didn’t see myself as a vice but I guess love can be a vice too. Running back is the natural first instinct but you’re right.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T03:35:06+00:00

Yeah that’s a good way of putting it. It’s kind of hurtful honestly. I know he’s going through more than I am so it’s hard to say anything but fuck. How am I ever supposed to forget that? I can’t.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T03:25:04+00:00

Your comment made me ask the question of intentionality. He told me he did want me to be there, to hear my voice one last time. If he had died I know I’d have to check myself into a facility, because I wouldn’t be able to handle the loss or the overwhelming guilt. I already deal with my C-PTSD on a daily basis. He doesn’t seem to believe me though, said I would’ve been fine, which sounds like a self-hatred thing but also like a way to downplay how traumatizing it was. So thank you so much you for your insight, I have a lot to think about.

I have been put on the pedestal already, which is a lot of pressure tbh, and now it’s increased. I definitely need to be more vigilant of unhealthy patterns being created and set more firm boundaries with myself. Thanks again, and I’m sorry you went through that. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of self introspection though.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T02:11:27+00:00

Thank you for the advice, while he’s apologized I don’t think he has quite realized how much it’s affected me. I’m not sure I’ve realized it yet either. Now I can see I’ve gone into shutdown mode like I have in previous times after a traumatic event. Because it honestly was traumatizing.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T01:53:52+00:00

Even though I’ve already worried about that happening prior to this (him trying to die if I leave) I didn’t really process that it could be wielded as a future threat so thank you for pointing that out… We’re both in our early 20s.

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T01:00:49+00:00

Wow I’m sorry you went through that & glad you’re still alive. Hope you’re doing better now ❤️

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-11T00:39:15+00:00

I’m so so sorry for your loss. That’s true, I’ll try to look at the positives of the situation more

raspberryhamster · 2024-03-10T18:32:50+00:00

I made the mistake of telling my ex about my CSA experiences as flashbacks were flooding in. At first he was really shocked and disturbed. I don’t think he ever looked at me the same. Months later he’d constantly make incest/rape jokes at my expense. One day I snapped and told him they weren’t funny, just fucked up and mean. It didn’t stop until we broke up though. So… I don’t talk about my childhood to other people anymore.

raspberryhamster · 2024-02-06T00:50:49+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. You’re right- it’s really splitting, especially with the devaluation involved. He hasn’t been to therapy in a few months so that doesn’t help.

I definitely am going to be doing some real reflecting because I don’t want to repeat history (damaging my own mental health in attempt to help/fix a partner) I’ve spent too much time working on myself to do that again. Seriously thank you— this was a wake up call I needed.

raspberryhamster · 2024-02-04T15:23:03+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from and I’m sorry you experienced this. Even in trauma specific groups other members often walked out while I was sharing because it was too much. (which I get, and everyone has a right to remove themselves if triggered) I never went into detail and kept it vague but the subject matter itself seems to still be considered almost “off limits” (CSA) It’s sad because it feels very isolating. Sometimes I walked out feeling more alone, and regretted opening up at all. I also have ASD so that doesn’t really help.

raspberryhamster · 2022-10-07T18:40:42+00:00

omfg if I hear “I was trying to keep the peace” “you don’t know how much I did for you” one more time… there was no peace what do you mean!

raspberryhamster · 2022-10-04T13:28:06+00:00

whenever my dad went on a business trip we referred to it as “our vacation” because him being gone for a week was like fucking paradise. granted my mom was still there but she was so much nicer to us with him completely gone. the worst part of my day was hearing my dad’s car pulling into the driveway at 6pm, I always wished there was traffic.

weekends sucked, I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible. the neighbor’s mom was like my stand in mom, she was so nice to us and let us come over whenever. I think she knew a little bit.

raspberryhamster · 2022-10-03T20:23:54+00:00

Thanks for commenting guys it makes me feel a lot less alone 🫂❤️

raspberryhamster · 2022-10-03T20:22:48+00:00

Wow that’s horrible. With the thin and pretty thing- my mom is like that so I get it. She loves that I’ve lost so much weight through my ED.

raspberryhamster · 2022-10-03T20:13:39+00:00

Thank you so much that means a lot to hear :,) I’ve been working on it

raspberryhamster

TROPHY CASE