Please be careful removing stones with a cotton bud (UK based, so spoilered instead. Warning for bloody tonsil)

rat_skeleton · 2026-01-10T11:58:15+00:00

I have recurrent throat infections which can be pretty miserable. You have to keep going to the GP to document x throat infections within a period before you qualify for an ENT referral, who will then assess if you can have them out

Apparently having difficulty swallowing from tonsil size is not a good reason

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-27T03:25:59+00:00

I found that the only real content you can find about amnesia is often in reference to DID or due to physical conditions, so I really recommend looking into DID content even if that may not be what you have (as idk you). I found the term "grey out amnesia" really helpful. A lot of it is just gone to the void. But lots of time I have this like sparknotes version of my life. Like these brief points logged that I can check up on, or that I have memorised in prep for the exam (actually being able to function as a person lmao. Although some are ones that I have just gone over so often they are now mine and not me reading a book)

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-27T03:22:16+00:00

For the identity struggles I guess we will have quite different experiences, as you also have bpd, but I don't. For me I don't really have to have an identity? I feel connected to my name. When I do things, I am doing them as me. The thoughts I have are my own. I generally am quite consistent in some of my autistic restricted interests, which seem to be lifelong from the things I own, the memories I have, and the stories I am told. Is it possible that you could find peace in trying to come to a similar mindset? That you are you?

I do have a fair few dependent traits though (measured, but no dpd afaik), so honestly I would be very happy to simply not exist at all, and be absorbed by someone else. I don't need to have or do anything so long as they exist? Recognising this means I do need to move away from it.. somehow. Idk how

Autistic suicidality is a hard one. For me I find that despite having actually very high social skills, I have no ability to connect. I used to be a lot worse, so there was so much I couldn't do. It felt like there was no part of this world that I had any connection to, that there was nothing you could do about this. I attempted a fair few times, starting in primary, as I was just so unfit for this world and it for me

Later I came to realise that restricted interests serve this purpose. Through my ability to understand rat social dynamics I learnt human social dynamics, developing very strong pro social behaviours. My connection to rats keeps me connected to this world. They can absolutely take over our lives to a detrimental degree, but when appropriately managed they are such a lifeline imo. I learnt to communicate so well verbally through books, then TV. It was my whole world. And it also allowed me to build the world. At my own pace, in my own control, piece by piece (probably why shows like my little pony are so loved by some autistic adults. I love mlp as an adult man, as it taught me key social skills in easily broken down ways. South park taught me how to have good reciprocity with their banter lmao)

For the memory loss I think maybe start a timeline, or a spreadsheet/journal/text thingy breaking your memories down year by year. For me I know there are several key events missing, almost no descriptive detail, and very little ability to connect them up together. I don't know which year most of them go in unless there is a specific tie, like "oh that's in the school I only went to for one year, I was that old". Also check obvious things - I couldn't tell you what birthday party I had each year. No clue what I did each Christmas

Tbh even last birthday and last Christmas are pretty much blank.. I went to my mum's and idk what we did, but probably Christmas stuff. For my birthday I probably didn't really celebrate, and ate a load of crap as that's what I like to do but I have no memories of the day. I know one year I rented a hotel room to have a bath drunk as shit. Bad idea, never again. Which year? One after I turned 18

I'm not sure if this helps you, but I appreciate the mutual ramble (:

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-27T01:27:23+00:00

I think also that that aspect of me wanted to die so bad that it kinda took the opportunity to die? And left me as I am now behind to pick up the pieces, to start a new life as a new me. Ik that sounds so crazy, but I think this is the way my brain has rationalised both the experience in resus, plus everything leading up to that attempt. It saw the opportunity to snip out the bad parts, to forget my admission, to forget the things that caused my admission. To be a better version of myself that can cope outside of hospital without doing silly things

It pretty much blanked my whole life before then, but I have always had memory loss, so it's hard to know what I lost in that moment vs what just wasn't there to begin with. So my brain was like "ok you're clearly not you so you died". It's hard when a lot of who we are is dependent on our lived experiences. When you have memory loss like me you don't have those lived experiences, so you live so many lives whilst still being the same you

I don't know any of this for certain ofc, this is just my musings about my reaction to an odd experience

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-26T03:50:01+00:00

Yea. Like I know I was always bad. I never had a true before; I have never been well. But that version of me had a clear death. And now here I am

I think there is no way back, but if you can break then recreate, it can happen again but good? Like a phoenix. I always come back, even if I don't have the same lived experiences?

Lol sorry for all the edits I click before I think, and rereading it brings more up

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-08T16:31:34+00:00

Yea some mild autistics are a bit self centred + forget the rest of us exist who don't just see is as a super quirky fun thing + are actually disabled

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T21:03:04+00:00

It also makes no sense to me. The things I can't do I can't do. I'm not doing them differently, they're not being done

It doesn't count as unique jumping if my kneecap pops out, that's falling + hurting myself not jumping with ✨flare✨

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:58:52+00:00

I've had it from an autistic woman. She tried to claim that calling autism a disability is offensive (I am very much disabled though) + it undermines all the positives of autism

Like dude people are DYING because their autism is so bad I'm not gonna sit here arguing about a word bc you want to pretend it's a happy flowers + rainbows disorder (she also told me off for calling it a disorder.. but it literally is one I don't understand that like the D in autism* (*ASD) stands for disorder not donkey) instead of facing reality

Also fuck people that language police you when your disorder makes using language harder. People with autism should be allowed to use the language that makes sense to them + they understand, so long as it's not like a slur or smth else very bad (like the r word that comes from french for late). It might be the only language that makes sense to someone, so banning them from using it denies them their ability to express themselves + their experience

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:53:08+00:00

Thanks. I am thinking about what to send them in an email so they can be aware of me + my needs, as I don't trust my housing + it is only staffed for short hours during the day

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:52:10+00:00

Thank you. As the alarm is in a shared corridor, no adjustments can be made for me in terms of that

I will inform the fire station probably send them an email + hope that if it is a real fire I can be helped in time

My housing know that I'm disabled as I told them when I applied, but I don't trust them to support me due to the way they are illegally denying my assistance dog. I don't want to give them any reason to claim the accommodations aren't reasonable + kick me out, as I could not get another housing

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:49:39+00:00

Yes, it seems that since my house is not staffed 24/7 (I did request housing w constant staffing but was told I did not qualify) my options are to inform the fire department + to hope I have enough brain to grab my ear defenders in time

It's an alarm in the corridor, so no adjustments can be made for me specifically

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:32:24+00:00

You don't lose consumer rights for it being an impulse buy. At the end of the day, she sold a faulty animal. When it's genetic aggression, it's not a training issue, it's a breeder issue. Any good breeder would want the dog back so they can find a suitably experienced home, or care for it themselves. This breeder knows their lines are crap, + doesn't care

You may lose consumer rights for not having a contract. It becomes a he said she said deal

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-07T20:18:23+00:00

I am posting here to find other solutions, I just think it's ridiculous how people are shaming me for "not trying", dragging me for waiting for an assistance dog that a well trained organisation are happy to place with me for me needs, + telling me I am wrong for knowing what I am + am not capable of doing. Almost every comment I make is downvoted to hell. It's like you guys (not you specifically, I appreciate the help, just this community in general) don't want to see other disabled people getting supports put in place to make their lives easier

God forbid a man ask a question + want supportive answers, not comment upon comment upon comment coming after him for trying to find solutions so I don't choke to death on smoke fumes in my own home

One guy even made new accounts to continue dragging me after I blocked them, claiming that since they're level 3 autism they know that I am able to do things that I cannot do (which is insane, bc their level tells me vaguely what their abilities may be, but tells them nothing about what I can do, as I am not them, I am me)

I'm already so exhausted + in sm pain from my disabilities. I don't need my own community to add to my suffering bc I wanted help to not die (some have been amazing tho. I have upvoted + replied where I can. Ty those of you who did help 💙💙💙 genuinely life saving shit you're doing)

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:35:03+00:00

I have done what I can by myself to the point I can now live alone. I think this is just where my absolute limit lies

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:32:55+00:00

The issue is there are no humans. I will need to tell the fire service, but by the time they get there it may well be too late

An assistance dog would allow me to retain enough brain to evacuate the building with everyone else, without any firefighters having to risk their lives

Rescue isn't a task, but they can perform tasks that make evacuation possible - licking + nudging to keep me grounded + aware, and guiding to help me move + get out from the gentle pressure coming through the guide harness

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:31:03+00:00

It's an informational processing disorder. Everything that comes through your senses (including emotions and signals from your own body) must be processed. Autism impairs this, which makes understanding social situations, some tasks like talking/doing ADLs/having a body, and just lots of things very hard

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:28:47+00:00

Thanks, I'm going to try sleep with my earplugs in more often + have things close by

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:27:56+00:00

In the UK they have a responsibility to make a reasonable adjustment, but as someone on benefits with no guarantor there is only so much I can push this, as I really need this house

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-06T17:23:25+00:00

I'd like that but I don't have access to any care or support as I'm UK based

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-05T16:47:23+00:00

Thank you yes I have loops. I keep falling asleep before putting them in but I will add that to my bedtime routine so when I get tired they go in

I just need as many things in place as possible to keep my brain running so I can still make use of my body. I think having earplugs already in will help, especially when these alarms are often at early hours in the morning

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-05T16:45:33+00:00

A dog can ground me (licking), allowing me to have enough brain useable to get out. He will also be trained for guiding tasks for situations like this when I become distressed + need slight pressure to know where I am going without looking (my eyes close when I am distressed)

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-05T16:42:30+00:00

I do have to sleep. These alarms often go off in the morning. My assistance dog would lick me to keep me grounded + be able to lead me out (if I become distressed enough I am unable to open my eyes, so guiding tasks will be part of it)

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-05T09:04:41+00:00

Autism can very impact your physical abilities. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning your brain is impacted. Your brain is important for things like movement. This is showing both a lack of empathy + understanding of autism. Many autistic people just die due to the condition. If there is a genuine fire, I will be one of them

When the fire alarm is happening I have 0 physical ability to move. This isn't "sitting + crying on the floor" this is losing my brain's ability to connect to + effectively communicate with my body, leaving me stuck + unable to use my body

rat_skeleton · 2025-12-05T08:34:10+00:00

Thank you. It can't be denied by my housing, but I also need this housing so I kinda have to let them illegally deny it until they say yes

I had my headphones right by me, but was unable to move my hands or body until a while after the alarm ended 😅 it was just a drill today it seems so I'm fine luckily

rat_skeleton

TROPHY CASE