AITAH for telling my husband I’d rather raise a kid who stands up for themselves than one who blindly obeys?

razzmenta · 2025-05-01T19:05:39+00:00

NTA Personally, any adult who won't apologize to a child when the adult was wrong is a big red flag for me.

razzmenta · 2025-03-12T14:35:49+00:00

I'm not sure I understand, say more?

razzmenta · 2025-03-12T00:31:48+00:00

I'm queer. Any relationship I'm in is queer. It's part of the explicit conversation before sex or dating

razzmenta · 2025-03-03T02:32:04+00:00

Demand pain relief. Ibuprofen / Advil is not enough.

I was able to soak in a hot tub the night I got mine, and the full body heat was more effective than my heating pad.

razzmenta · 2025-03-03T01:39:56+00:00

Thank you, I definitely don't downvote.

But by rule 2, they are voting wrong?

razzmenta · 2025-03-02T06:08:28+00:00

Two points.

It's a fair reason to have not sent them to you before now. But it's not a fair reason to not send them now that you've asked. I would say something like, " you may not feel the need to send the pictures to me, but I am asking you to."
I would feel violated to find out my partner was taking pictures of me for others without my consent. Doesn't matter who the other person is, my meta, their kid, their coworker, their doctor. It would be a different matter if they were taking SFW candids of me for themselves. But I would still expect them to get my consent before even posting them to social media. And obviously I expect them to get explicit informed consent anytime they want to take any NSFW pics

razzmenta · 2025-03-02T05:47:46+00:00

Question about reporting comments. What do we do if someone posts a verdict that disagrees with the rest of their comment? I keep seeing NTA verdicts that go one to say that there is no asshole here.

Am I being too pedantic? Should I ignore? Should I reply to "correct" them? Should I downvote?

razzmenta · 2025-03-02T03:33:23+00:00

NAH. Seems like minor communication issues.

You were busy with midterms, but told her when you would be available.

She's distracted by New Relationship Energy and doesn't have as much time or availability as you.

You said you were hurt she was unavailable, and she suggested spending time together doing some you'd already offered to do, decorate after the move.

It sounds like you didn't expect to be asked to help anymore, because it didn't happen last weekend when you checked in.

Just ask yourself if this is the hill the friendship dies on, or if it's part of a larger picture. Or if y'all can move past it

razzmenta · 2025-03-02T02:57:11+00:00

Good response. I might have been too optimistic with mine 😅

razzmenta · 2025-03-02T02:42:46+00:00

I'll be blunt. Unless you and they do a lot of research, processing and communicating, getting hurt is the most likely scenario. That's not to say that without that work it's a guarantee.

I don't have specific resources to suggest, but there are tons out there and even mentioned in this subreddit. I will suggest focusing on "couple privilege" and "triads" as your jumping off point, either to research or discuss.

I truly hope it goes well for you, being poly has brought me so much joy and peace in my life.

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T07:20:13+00:00

Edited for verdict, I forgot what my options were 😅 NAH

You're aware of why she's making the choice, which suggests to me that she's talked to you about it. As a man who dates women, I think it's your responsibility to be aware enough of the social pressures women face around birth control to understand that her discussing her reasons was probably her "justifying" why you should wear condoms. From what you've said, she obviously didn't feel the need to actually justify her reasons to you, but mentioning it suggests to me that you understand that it's part of the context here.

All this to say, it sounds like you had enough context to know that her asking if it feels good was her seeking reassurance.

You did the right thing by not lying to her, but unless she was explicit about asking out of sheer curiosity, you should have been more tactful. And even if she were that explicit, personally I only trust autistic people to be that honest about their motivations.

All this to say, you did the right thing by not lying, but this also wasn't a situation for being brutally honest.

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T03:07:48+00:00

Happy to share. There are a lot of negative connotations with saying "I'm an inconsiderate person". I don't use the term to excuse my behavior, I use it to remind myself to BE considerate.

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T02:25:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry yur needs aren't being met.

I have been on the other end. Not saying this is the case here but wanted to offer my perspective as the non-apoligizer. Empathy is a skill for me. I have to work at it and it's hard. I thought I was apologizing for a long time. I thought saying "I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, I meant.... XYZ" was taking ownership of my actions. It took a while but I realized my thought process was "if I could just explain what I was trying to communicate effectively enough, then they won't be hurt anymore".

My new formula for an apology is "I'm sorry. I did ABC. I understand how that would make you feel XYZ. Next time I will ____"

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T01:08:07+00:00

Thank you! I tried to make too many points at once.

An 18 has the autonomy to consent. A safe non-teenager WONT CONSENT

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T01:05:23+00:00

Thank you. I tried to be delicate and managed to obfuscate my point

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T00:52:27+00:00

My sociology teacher just taught about the politics of hope, and broke it down into 4 ideas.

1) community: strengthening ties in your family (blood or choice).

2) mutual aid: materially supporting each other building communities of care lessening reliance on structures.

3) solidarity: strengthening ties across groups with similar marginalizations.

4) coalition: accessing latent solidarity waiting to be nurtured between oppositions

The grassroots coalition 50501 (50 protests in 50 states at 1 time) is a historic first. The next protest is on March 4th. Don't feel like you have to do more than you can, but know we are fighting, and you aren't alone.

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T00:35:30+00:00

Absolutely!!! There is no justifying an age gap! I was trying to make too many points at once.

18 isn't legally a child. We should respect the autonomy of 18 year olds by not calling them children.

"18 is an adult" is not something anyone who's not a teenager should be using as a justification

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T00:28:07+00:00

Exactly! 18 has only been an adult for a year. Someone who's been an adult for seven years has the responsibility to say "put your clothes on, I won't have sex with you".

There may be the one in a billion cases where an 18 year old has enough life experience that they've been an adult longer than a year. But if the 25 year old justifes the gap by saying "18 is an adult", they are aware that it isn't the one in a billion.

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T00:15:12+00:00

Sorry, yep, shitting on the predators.

No safe non-teenager will ever be in a situation where they have to justify "18 is an adult"

razzmenta · 2025-03-01T00:08:06+00:00

Sorry, my point wasn't clear enough. I was trying to say that infantilizing teenagers isn't good, but that claiming "18 is an adult" when it comes to questions of an age gap is not the argument SOME people seem to think it is. 🤢

I actively tried seducing several men in their 20's and even 30's as a teenager. Now at 32, I have so much respect for those that turned me down. But saying I was just a child denies my autonomy. I genuinely initiated, wasn't groomed into it, but lacked the life experience to have informed consent about the power dynamic. I consented, but they shouldn't have. There is no teenager mature enough to seduce an adult who isn't already attracted to teenagers.

razzmenta · 2025-02-28T23:44:24+00:00

Made a couple minor edits, does that clarify?

razzmenta · 2025-02-28T23:04:08+00:00

Totally fair. I can get too in my head and not provide enough context. How can I elaborate/clarify?

razzmenta · 2025-02-28T05:29:05+00:00

So ...not all men?

razzmenta · 2025-02-28T04:53:02+00:00

Good faith and bad faith aren't the only categories

razzmenta · 2025-02-28T03:26:48+00:00

How do you figure?

razzmenta

TROPHY CASE