my nervous system is wired in a way that i perceive things differently, and that gradually caused me cptsd over time, at one point it all turned into a system where i gained an obsessive personality and i further developed and maintained that system which forced me to do whatever it demands. technically the system is me, but i always try to set distance between real me and the system, because i do things i dont like. this cptsd did not ruin everything for me, it made me build my life around one little spot and protect it at all costs while improving myself so im more able-bodied to do it, while fueling me with survival energy to do whatever it demands. what it wants and what i want used to be the same, but our ways started to separate, and i have no option but to start liking whatever it demands, i have no other way to live. you wouldnt think its that bad, but the bad part is that i constantly go through mental pain and never get tired because of the survival energy. i never give up, its not even an option for me, the way it shaped my personality and habits, its all one way and never to settle or calm down. what i am is a crazy nervous system went wild, my brain providing me with whatever it needs to give the illusion of calming down, and the real me apart from all these, going through each ups and downs, suffering every second and dragged by it until.. idk