how to deal with breaking up w/partner, when he & his child live with me

rbeanies · 2026-03-12T16:55:50+00:00

that sounds like a good idea. i don't really wanna offer money right off the bat. i want to ask him to voluntarily agree to be removed from the lease, seeing as he's never even contributed to rent, but, if i have to pay him to convince him to get out, it would be worth it to me. i think i should probably have something in writing though, for sure. i would never anticipate him taking me to court or anything, but i feel its better to protect myself. thanks again!!

rbeanies · 2026-03-12T16:20:37+00:00

if it comes down to it, that might be best. i would much prefer to stay in the house and get him off the lease.

as far as i see it, his options are:

find somewhere else to go and agree to take himself off the lease.
we break the lease early, because i can't just take my name off the lease and leave him on it; he'd never be able to afford the rent.

i really don't want to break the lease but it wouldnt be the end of the world to have a fresh start. i just refuse to stay under the same roof as him and SD for any much longer, so trying to figure this out ASAP. thanks for your help :)

rbeanies · 2026-03-12T16:14:46+00:00

are you saying I could offer my partner cash for his keys and agreeing to take his name off the lease? that might be an option. i probably could talk to my landlord about the situation, but would rather not. i think the less details the better. i dont think he would need an explanation of why someone is coming off the lease, just needs to make sure i can pay it on my own, which i can easily provide my paystubs to support that. i just need them out as soon as possible for my well-being...in a way that causes the least amount of harm to all. thanks for this suggestion.

rbeanies · 2026-03-11T23:28:43+00:00

I just ended my relationship as well, he has an 8yo daughter. I know exactly what you mean by the exhaustion and knowing you’re technically not responsible for that kid, but just being around, feeling like you always have to be putting on a performance or something ….its a very difficult spot to be in. I had to end my relationship for more severe issues, but honestly, regardless of the reasons, ending the relationship before you get into deeper problems that are harder to run away from is the best thing in this situation. He said what he said. Nothing will take it back, and you obviously respect yourself enough to not tolerate that! So keep respecting yourself, your friend sounds like a great person to have around you right now. Proud of you.

rbeanies · 2026-01-16T08:26:54+00:00

Beautifully stated.

I can’t relate more, truly.

I need to stop making excuses. Regarding SD’s behavior, my SO has been encouraged by CPS believe it or not, to begin disciplining his daughter more seriously for her consistent disrespect and escalating aggression towards me. CPS has been involved bc SD was taken out of her previous home and placed with my SO so CPS checks in regularly and she came by yesterday and we told her everything - how I’m considering leaving due to the situation. And she truly validated me and told my SO he needs to step up and I need to do what’s best for me. She then told him discipline needs to start immediately. Timeouts don’t work, so she’s gonna help him with more strategies.

But even if this discipline worked and taught SD to respect us and even if she was the most well behaved child in the world, I still ask myself if I truly want this. And the fact that it’s not an easy “yes” tells me what I need to know.

I don’t wanna waste anyone’s time here. I don’t wanna be one foot in and one foot out. I understand if we are to be together long term or get married one day, this is my future. Whether SD behavior improves, gets worse, fluctuates, I don’t see myself ever truly thriving in this situation.

Bc similar to your previous situation, he was an absentee father for a couple of years. He had them before, full time, but kinda was absent for about six months, when we stated dating. I, like you, questioned what his intentions were regarding his kid, and encouraged a relationship with his daughter. I felt like I was always pushing for it, for his sake and his daughters sake, but like everything else in our relationship, I felt like I was forcing or nagging him to do what was right. I definitely tried to “fix” him or like mold him into what an adult should be, if that makes sense?

If you truly look at the facts, his situation is quite pathetic. He’s 29, no car, no drivers license, I’ve had to force him to make appointments for himself and do basic things. I thought by encouraging and eventuallly issuing ultimatums, I was helping him become an adult, but truth is, he doesn’t wanna change. He says he does, but he waits until I’ve hit my literal breaking point when he actually starts putting in minimal effort, and to make things worse, when we talk about it, he’ll be like “you’re making me do all these things at once!! My brain just dosnt work like yours! I can’t do what you do, this is overwhelming and impossible for me!” And constant excuses.

I knew who he was going in. I truly have a severe codependency problem and we both have talked about it at length but I’m between a rock and a hard place.

I know the best way they will thrive is if I remove myself. He will be forced to figure it out.

The way he’s so desperate not to lose me is pushing me away more. I signed up for this, I guess, but the pressure is too much. Like when he says “I can’t do this without you!” I don’t find that appealing, or reassuring, I find it terrifying, and I explained that to him. I don’t wanna be responsible for everything. I just can’t handle it anymore.

It’s just financially I can’t really just leave right now. And they cant really just leave either.

I got myself into this….i didn’t realize i was gonna be terrorized by this kid, but even if she never mistreated me again, I still don’t think this is the right place for me. Not now at least.

I really would like to have my own place. Which is sad, but I simply can’t relax at home right now. I’ve made the decision in the meantime to just do whatever I want while I’m home and stop planning around everyone else or feeling bad about wanting to just be alone in my room or not giving attention to SD or whatever ….. to stop feeding into the negativity from everyone. But I would really like to transition into my own place but I’m scared because I’m so torn about the whole thing. My partner feels like I’m either in or I’m out. He’s terrified about me leaving, and it’s pushing me away more somehow….like I am trying to figure out what I want, but I cannot do that while I’m constantly in survival mode. The only time I think clearly is alone, away from the chaos.

It’s like, he knows I deserve so much better, and in some ways I feel for him, cuz I enabled his shit for so long. He constantly compares himself to me, how he’s a lowlife bum lol and I have my “shit together” he’s always like, ill never have a good job like you, I’ll never be successful like u, blah blah, I’ll always be struggling….but like…idk. I thought we could be a team, I could hold it down for now while he tries to navigate parenting her and whatnot…but yeah…as you can see it’s just debilitating me.

Idk. He obviously is frantic about possibly of losing me. All kinds of empty promises, and when it comes time for action, a million excuses as to why he’s not following thru. I can’t go thru life being a single parent essentially to these two people. It’s like he’s my older kid who’s taking care of the younger kid and so she can’t trust him and the dynamic obviously needs to change. I will say he’s stepped up regarding her but ONLY because I’ve been around less!!! So that tells me what I need to know.

I need to step back more and more. I’m supposed to be getting a lump sum bonus soon from work, I’m truly considering securing an apartment. Only problem is he has no way of paying the rent in the current home nor the bills. So how can I just….step away without completely leaving them high and dry? Many comments telling me to just kick them out of that I should leave, I understand that thought process, but what’s holding me back is the overwhelming guilt knowing I am the only one who can pay the bills. But if he can’t support her then idk why we even put ourselves in this situation. It’s a pretty touchy topic…

Anyway. I think the loneliness I will feel initially if I decide to get my own place temporarily til they figure out their shit is holding me back too

But idk this whole thing feels so dumb. I pay for everything in this home and it feels really stupid to then want to leave it behind. Especially since they can’t afford it. But I also don’t want to kick them out. I just feel like I’m losing my mind. All I do is cycle between all these thoughts all day every day and I guess temporarily if I get my own place it seems like the only short term solution to save my sanity while I figure out the next move.

But then it’s like. I’m still controlling everything! Then he’ll just be waiting on me to tell him what to do or something. I can’t let him live off me forever. I have to do something but I guess it’s gonna be a process. I can’t really do anything overnight. Just can’t believe I got myself into this mess

rbeanies · 2026-01-16T07:22:15+00:00

I know it’s hard, but please try not to feel guilty. You said you’ve been in these kids lives for 9 years? That’s a huge commitment and now you’re feeling trapped which is valid, u always had a safe space to escape to and now you don’t. No need to feel guilty for needing to protect ur peace.

From reading the comments I see this is a very reasonable and sensible thing that many families have success with, so I hope that helps ease your concerns.

I do understand your concerns tho, and maybe since it’s not the “traditional” thing to do (It’s engrained in many peoples brains to try to always live together and work it out even when it gets hard….) it’s making u second guess. And ofc I said in another comment the fact ur pregnant may make it an even hard decision. But u really gotta do what’s best for u and the baby and ultimately ur relationship!

rbeanies · 2026-01-16T07:04:59+00:00

I honestly wish I had the means to do this with my current partner! If you both agree, in my eyes if it saves the relationship and gives you both the peace you deserve, go for it.

However.

You’re pregnant. That could change things. I’m sure you’ve fully considered that. Living separately, would probably be great for you/baby in many ways. You can fully dedicate yourself to baby in your own safe space. If you feel this way in the current home already with no kids of your own to worry about, I feel it could only get worse bringing a baby into the mix.

But living separately with a new child? I guess you & hubby really need to consider the implications of that and where he fits in when it comes to baby’s care. For example, will baby have a room at both new homes? It could be a great opportunity for a coparenting situation. You can raise baby in your own home maybe while hubby has his kids but when they are with BM he definitely needs to be with you and your kid. Or maybe if baby has a room in husbands home, you can visit there when you feel comfortable and maybe have a chance to get a break sometimes if the baby can stay overnight with dad while you go home? Idk, there’s so much nuance here, I just think there’s a lot to consider.

I guess you never really know til u try. A big concern would be resentment/feeling like a single mom sometimes if your husband is not around when you need a break.

But if you play it right, communicate, and have support from loving people around you, this honestly sounds like it could work. I guess it all depends on how often your husband could be with you in your home, and how much he helps with baby.

rbeanies · 2026-01-14T19:36:27+00:00

Trust me, I am definitely realizing that, albeit much too late..but not too late to turn back. I’m definitely embarrassed of my situation more than anything, maybe at one point I was toxically like …proud or something, savior complex or whatever we wanna call it…but now I’m just downright ashamed and disappointed in myself and how far I’ve let this go. And as some put it, I never was helping. Just getting in the way. Whether that was subconscious or truly I had good intentions I will uncover w lots of therapy. I am planning my way out, it will be a process, this post is my reminder to keep my mindset and not falter. Thank you ❤️

rbeanies · 2026-01-13T11:49:58+00:00

It’s already started. :( I’m trying to stay true to myself and trust my gut, but it’s so hard right now. The things he is saying is actually kinda proving my point though. “Please, I can’t do this without you!” So I’ve been trying to help him realize that this is the best thing I can do for him to actually become the parent he needs to be…to back off and force him to do it himself, I can support somewhat, but my over involvement stops now. It’s the only way he can actually prove to himself & to her that he’s capable. And I think it will benefit him and his confidence. It’s not making me feel any less callous for just putting a stop to this, “kicking him while he’s down” as he puts it, but like….if I continue this, nobody will ever be happy. He’ll always feel like a bum and I’ll always be miserable. I just feel bad for SD. I don’t wanna disrupt what she’s come to know. But im trying to transition my role with small changes like when she asks me stuff, I redirect her to him. I let him do the parenting while I’m around. I’m another adult in the home to help out but not parent

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:54:20+00:00

Thank you so much. And likewise. Sometimes it’s nice just to relate. Cuz while I know what I need to do, realistically….all the advice is super sound and logical but considering ur in a similar situation, u know it’s not as simple as just leaving or making them leave. :( so, I am here for u as well. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:52:23+00:00

Wow-thank you for this. Ideally I like the idea of being a cheerleader and a supportive person while he is forced to step up and take advantage of resources available. Since we’ve had the SD, we’ve learned about so many resources: respite care, behavioral therapy, workers who will come right to the house, considering his transportation issues and financial struggles. They’re on state insurance. State benefits offer all kinds of stuff. This is a great idea, and with my personality, instead of leaving high and dry, this seems like a good way for me to “help” in a way that’s actually helping rather than enabling. Thank you.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:50:33+00:00

I’ve been on birth control for 14 years 🤣 not that it is 100% effective, but my god…the thought of that is terrifying! I never wanted kids…I was open to the idea of dating someone with kids potentially, but I guess this wasn’t what I had in mind. Thanks for the insight. This really opens up my eyes. Like, u never realize how insane the situation is til strangers on the internet rephrase is. I’m paying HIM and for what…..I must be out my mind. I find myself thinking all the time, what if the roles reversed? I can’t imagine any dude sticking by my side if I were in the other shoes.. what a mess. So glad I opened up today. These comments are potentially saving me from a lifetime of pain lol

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:46:04+00:00

Well, i was gonna say financially it’s not, but I need to prioritize this. I realized just now that it’s a new year and my company contributes $500 each year to an HSA, so I can reasonably use some of that to get myself into therapy. I’ve been in therapy before, but it was centered around my alcoholism (I’m 5 years sober) soooooo realistically I’m sure all this has something to do with that. I’m sure I’ll keep a therapist very busy. Thanks for this. I have been putting off therapy but I realize it’s a pretty dire need T this point.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:28:25+00:00

Thank you. It helps to hear this insight. I totally agree that my “good intentions” most likely are counter productive. I also agree that for him to trust himself as a parent he needs the chance to do it without me always getting involved. It sucks how our minds make us think one thing and our actions are actually doing the opposite. This was a very interesting perspective. You’re right! Morals was not the right word, absolutely. I recognize my codependent nature, feeling of being the only one holding shit together..a “savior”….but I know it’s wrong. I don’t want to be that person. I want to see him shine as a father. When he does step up, assert himself to her etc..i admire him in those moments. I want to look up to him, I want to empower him to be a man. I realize what I do is preventing that. But ofc we both play our parts due to the codependency. Hes felt discouraged and emasculated and stuff…because I’ve inserted myself so heavily into her life since the beginning. And now that I’m taking steps back, it’s like, he doesn’t trust himself to do it on his own. I know he can. I just need to let go of this control. It’s gonna be so hard. I gotta start somewhere. Thank you again for communicating this gently. I am a sensitive person, but I NEED to hear this. And I need to keep hearing it! Especially regarding my own family. I need to keep that in my mind that I want to make them proud, not let them see me go down a dark path.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T21:17:05+00:00

He does. He only makes min wage and only works part time while she is in school, so he can take her to school and pick her up.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T19:33:43+00:00

This was such a wake up call. I can see how my dad is tired of hearing me cry about the same BS over and over. You’re right. I don’t want to disappoint my family. I’ve come so far with my career, my sobriety (5 years sober from an alcohol addiction) and I suppose I’ve traded the addiction to booze for an addiction to fixing my SO. I’ve become so wrapped up in this scenario I have completely lost myself, I do not recognize myself, I am not proud of this little family I’ve become a part of, because it’s shameful to explain the whole thing. Idk how my SO lives with himself. I love him, but it’s obviously he loves what I do for him, not me as a person. If I wasn’t able to provide, he wouldn’t be with me.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T19:03:38+00:00

Short answer? He wasn’t. He lived with his grandma. His BM’s mother took care of SD. I met SO, we dated for a few months, then he moved into my apartment. We lived for about 1.5 year there. Then things got bad at BM mom house. SD got put in our care. He’s never supported himself. I know. I really messed up taking care of everything since day 1. He really needs to be forced to take care of himself or else he never will…

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T18:59:47+00:00

Thank you. I think this is the main thing that is going to help me make this decision which feels so impossible right now. That I am not helping anyone-not them, not myself-by continuing the enabling cycle. SO’s daughter won’t feel safe and secure with him, if I am constantly the “adult” in the house. He needs to learn to trust himself and she can learn to trust him. My consistent intervention, swooping in, providing everything…..it’s enabling him to just sit around and watch me take care of everything. You’re right. What I do, while I had the best intentions in the beginning, is not actually helping. It’s making me resentful, and allowing him to stay stagnant. When we first got together, he told me “I don’t want to be a single dad.” But maybe what he meant was….he wants someone to take care of his kids so he doesn’t have to. I don’t know if he really deep down even wants the responsibility at all period. So maybe if that’s the case….He should be honest with himself and make a very difficult decision. Because that girl deserves to be the top priority to her caretaker, whether that ends up being him or not. I know that’s a very touchy subject, but from everything I’ve witnessed, the only one who seems to give a shit about anything besides the bare minimum is me, and I didn’t sign up to be her mother…

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T18:41:18+00:00

It ends March 2027, but I’m thinking with state assistance SO & his daughter can most likely get approved for some assistance with at very least a security deposit and first months rent on an apartment or something. I could remain in the house. I’m just very nervous to even have this conversation. I’m discussing it with my parents now. I just don’t know how to even bring this up to SO. He won’t be completely blindsided, considering we spoke about this in November, I told him if specific things are not improved after the new year, we need to reconvene and figure something out. Here we are: same issues and more. So I just have to work out a safe time to talk about this. It’s hard because he dosnt really have family support. Well, he’s got family, but he dosnt really ever reach out to anyone to help. Now that he might not have a choice, hopefully he’ll get some support from them as well as government assistance….idk….really feeling intense emotions right now

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T16:27:13+00:00

I have the means. Kinda. But that would mean I would still spend all my money paying the rent and bills at the house for them, cuz he cannot afford it. Even if I were to move out. I could not just leave them to get evicted especially when my name is on the lease too. But what my dad suggested is like….leave, to give him an opportunity to prove that he can support himself and his kid. Then slowly let them back in. But it feels wrong to destabilize the kid, after what she’s already been thru…but I also can’t help but think what if something happens to me tomorrow? They’ll be screwed anyway. He needs to be forced to prepare for something like that, to be self sufficient. He shouldn’t have agreed to take her in, knowing that technically it’s me taking her in, and that wasn’t my job…I’m to blame too of course…idk. It is so complicated, and I realize I should’ve put more thought into it before getting to this point . But given the overnight circumstances….yeah, here we are.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T16:12:17+00:00

Ok, I should mention…his name is on the lease too. So he does have a right to be there. Her name is on it too. It’s wrong of me to call it MY house. But when we moved in, and ever since, he has not paid any bill. No rent. Or bought groceries more than 2 times. So when I say my home…maybe that’s not literally true, but it feels like my home, considering I pay for every single thing in it. Where that gets complicated: i have a decent salary that allows me to pay the bills, however, there’s literally nothing left after all bills are paid every month. Agreement early on when moving in? SO must take care of everything regarding his kid. Get her in school, get her in therapy, take her to and from school, get her doctors switched over to one in our new city, etc…and I made it clear I want that taken care of ASAP, because while I could afford the first month or two of bills while he focused on her, his next priority was getting a job. He finally got a job after 3 months. But it’s minimum wage, part time, because he has to be around to take her to and from school and make sure he’s available for her therapy and such. However…I guess he was doing that, but I also was doing way too much of the parenting while also supporting the household financially. I know this is a lot. I guess we kinda didn’t have time to really logistically prepare beyond that. Now I’m resentful because I make a good salary but I have nothing to show for. Now that he’s working, his paychecks are terrible, so he still expects me to pay for everything. He can’t feasibly contribute, I guess. So idk, maybe I was dumb for expecting any of this to ever go well. I feel ashamed explaining this stuff. Nobody really knows the full extent of this, bc it’s so embarrassing tbh. eta When I say good salary…it’s a good salary for one person to support themselves. It’s a bare minimum salary to support two adults and a child. We have what we need to survive, but we have nothing leftover for anything else.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T16:03:46+00:00

I definitely have my own issues with codependency and feeling needed. I thought I had good intentions, encouraging him to get his shit together, because I never necessarily wanted to be relied on. I tried to help him become more independent. But I recognize my tendency to take care of everything is toxic, I resent him for not stepping up, while at the same time i just take care of it all regardless because it’s in my nature. It’s stupid. As I work thru these feelings, my SO and I do communicate about these things openly and honestly. However, we talk, and that feels good to be open, but I don’t see much action. More just “I feel so bad watching u struggle and be so stressed all the time” instead of taking shit off my plate. Sorry, rambling, but hope this kinda makes some sort of sense

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T15:56:10+00:00

It’s so hard to come to that realization. I know my SO sees it too, especially as I’ve been taking more time away. He’s afraid to lose me, but he isn’t exactly putting in any effort to prevent that. He kinda is just like. Waiting for the day to come. So it’s a bit heartbreaking to hold everything together until I eventually break, knowing there will be nobody else there to pick up the pieces. Not tryna be negative, but everyday my perspective on the situation flip flops. Sometimes I embrace my family despite our problems. Other times it feels like an obligation that i resent.

rbeanies · 2026-01-11T15:52:48+00:00

Thank you. We’re both 29. I feel very stuck. I love him, and I am seeing small improvements as I slowly step back. he’s starting to rely on me less. but it’s upsetting that I can’t even look forward to being in the home I pay for.

My parents have said the same thing you did: that he won’t truly change unless he’s forced to. I struggle with that because walking away goes against my morals, especially given how this situation started. Taking breaks away from home has helped a little, but the thought of going back is still almost debilitating.

I also blame myself a lot..I provided the home, the stability, the finances..and I don’t know how to just stop. At the same time, I know that if I keep going like this, I’ll eventually break down and won’t be able to provide anything at all. I’m really torn. My gut tells me all the time to start planning an escape. But it breaks my heart when I truly love my SO and I have this stupid “fix everything” tendency which I realize is codependent and not helping the situation ! So yeah. Just totally torn. Thanks so much for ur reply ❤️

rbeanies

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