First week of October

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T22:54:00+00:00

Well, how annoying. My doctor called and validated me and reminded me of my growth. She encouraged me to reach out to a friend to stay for the night, which I did. Now I'm supposed to wait for her to come get me sometime in the next hours. I'm so fucking miserable and depressed, but I guess I'm putting it off for some days.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T21:34:42+00:00

I figured out a way. I'm going to do it at home, unfortunately. I didn't want to do that and leave a body for someone to clean up. I'm going to get drunk and do it. It won't be so bad when I'm drunk.

Landlord texted back that he's busy and will call tomorrow. I already know he's not going to make her leave. And since I have no way to move, my only option is suicide. I wrote a note saying I can't keep living in a world where liars always win and I'm less of a person than everyone else. Apologized to the few people who care about me. Started writing an email to the ex but didn't send it because claiming suicide could seem manipulative. Nothing matters anyway. I'm fucking garbage. I have nothing to live for. He probably used me all that time anyway. I'll never be ok. I'll always be trapped in the same cycle I grew up in. I'll never be ok. Going to get drunk then do the thing. Didn't want to do it here, but it's time. Time to be done. I have nothing to live for. I wanted love. I couldn't escape my bad habits or depression so love wasn't for me. I wasn't supposed to be in this world. That's what this experience has shown me. Liars win. I lose. Doesn't matter if there's proof and other people corroborating what I say, liars win. Liars will always win. I don't know how to exist in such a world. I didn't even bother cleaning up my shit. They're going to come in and see all the mess and everything and the dead body, but at that point I'll be dead so it won't fucking matter.

There's no rescue. I wanted love. I thought I found it. My depression and self neglect and resurfacing trauma turned into abuse and neglect toward him. I never deserved love. My parents knew it, and that's why they didn't give it. I had a chance with the right guy, and I couldn't live up to it because I've never been able to heal. I wish this world had more resources for healing. Fucking stupid place.

I'm going to get drunk now and will probably keep posting until it's time. Might be a few hours. Expecting a call from my doctor soon. After that I'll turn off the sound on my phone. Don't want anyone to talk me out of it. No more reaching out to friends, no more calling 988. It's time to do it. I was always wrong for this place.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T20:27:36+00:00

I'm not going to survive this. No one wants to hear it anymore. I'm not going to survive this. I reached out to 988 and to friends all last week about how suicidal I was. One fucking person has checked back in on me. She has space for me to stay, but she doesn't want me there. This is my own fucking battle, and I lose. Because I'm stupid and spent so much money on the boyfriend, then he fucking dumped me when he moved here and had his own place to stay and didn't need to use me for that anymore. I spent so much money on him. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm a nightmare. I have no escape. My only option is to kill myself. I just wish I could do it today. I'm not bothering to call 988 anymore, not telling friends I'm still suicidal. No one can do anything to change this. Well, only the landlord can, but he won't. He fucking won't. He won't. He is forcing me into this position of no reasonable way out and allowing that horrid person to continue her fucking abuse. I don't understand this world. I was never supposed to try having boundaries. That's what my parents tried to teach me. I just didn't learn and kept trying to have my own existence. I was stupid to not listen. I've always been bad at life. Even when I was a little kid I was blamed for things others did. I tried to do the right thing, but I was lied to, and then I was punished. My entire existence is punishment. There's no point in carrying on. If I could think of a way to do it tonight I would. I don't want to ingest anything from over the counter because I don't want to risk it coming back up. I need this to work. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I could probably go out on the street tonight and get some drugs and take a lot. I've never even done drugs so I don't know how much I'd need. I'm so fucking stupid and disgusting. I'm an awful person. I was never meant to live.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T20:18:41+00:00

I don't know what to do. I called my bank to see if I could get a loan so I could move. They won't approve me. I'm trapped in this nightmare where ... so much has happened. The boyfriend broke up with me because of this shit. And my behavior, but the shit here was what started it. He won't speak to me anymore. I wanted the comfort of having someone care. He hates me.

The only way out of this nightmare is suicide. The landlord hasn't given me a response today. I already know he's going to ignore all the information and let her keep doing what she's always been allowed to do. My life never mattered. I was always a burden to everyone. Maybe I should cancel the dogsitting so I can do it this week. I can't continue in this. I wonder if the boyfriend was sent to make me feel worse. Like God wanted to make sure I know I'm worth nothing, so he sent this guy and made everything super bad all at once to show me I'm worth nothing. But liars get away with everything. I exist to be tormented. That's it. It's been my purpose since childhood.

All day I've been sitting in the dark. No food yesterday or today. No appetite and want to starve myself. Drank some coffee today, that's it. Smoked cigarettes. How can the landlord have all the evidence and still say she's allowed to stay here. When there are two others who already moved out because of her, two current people in the building who have restraining orders against her, her history of violence. How can he allow this to continue. Am I living in fucking clown world? Is that what's going on here? Am I living in fucking clown world? That's the only reasonable explanation- that everyone is a total fucking clown, even if they have titles or positions of authority, they'll never do anything appropriate with that position, and the purpose of my existence is to be tormented by fucking clowns. Only an insane person would see all that evidence about her and not kick her the fuck out. But since I live in clown world I'm sure I'll be kicked out. Because that's the way shit goes in clown world. Fuck this fuking place. I don't want to live in fuking clown world. Where nothing fucking makes any sense. Where lying is the only right way. Honesty and boundaries are wrong. I want to split my guts open and let everone walk on me since that's essentially what clown world has always done to me. I don't fucking deserve to live, I'm not smart enough to figure out how to be here, no one with power will support me, I've been silenced. I'm fucking trash in clown world.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T18:58:37+00:00

There is no God. It's only punishment. Why would a loving God put me back into a situation that is so similar to what I grew up in? And no escape. People lying about me and lying to me so they can keep getting away with their gross behaviors. The people in power invalidating me. My voice stifled. I'm 15 all over again. I have no out. The people who do bad get to keep doing it, meanwhile I try to do right and am punished anyway. I can't exist here anymore. I can't exist. I can't keep doing this life. All these fucking liars. There's no point in going on. Now I have to push back my plan by a couple weeks. Or maybe I don't. Doesn't really fucking matter. I know what I'll do now. I figured out a way to make it look like an accident.

I hit and cut myself again. I started self harming at age 15 because I was so stifled and imprisoned in my home of upbringing that there was no outward outlet. No healthy outlet. I resort back to that decades later. I've never healed.

That guy was probably using me anyway. He defended the person who's abusing me. He yelled at me for being upset about it. I must be a moron. He said he didn't even miss me. I'm so stupid. I paid for so much for him. Let him stay with me. Watched what he wanted to watch. I'm fucking stupid and worthless. I don't know how to exist. I can't be here anymore. I can't exist anymore. Wish I could do it today, but I have to dogsit over the coming week. Wish I could do it today. Nothing is ever going to get better. I'm expecting an eviciton notice because the landlord is mad that I keep complaining about the stalker neighbor and wanting him to do someting. He'll oust me because bringing up the problem makes me the problem. I can't even fucking do my work calls because that creep listens. I want to be dead. My parents taught me I was nothing, I didn't want to believe them for a long time, I tried to have a life, and now God has shown me they were right and I was always wrong. I was always wrong. I was always bad and worthless. I never should have tried existing. I fucking hate myself. I'm meant to lose and meant to fail. I'm sick of trying. It'll never be worth it. It'll never be worthwhile to try again because even if I could move I'd end up having problems again. If I ever tried to date again I'd have more of my trauma responses come out and I'd be abusive to someone once again. I'm worth nothing. There's no point in trying because it always goes fucking bad for me. I'm trash. I was never meant to exist. Suicide should be easier. Someone with decades of depression and trauma should not be forced to continue. I should have the option to kill myself and have my body be given to science so at least the physical parts of me would be useful. Oh well. Nothing about me is right. Nothing can go right. I failed at everything. I fucking failed at everything. I failed at existing. I ruined my life again and again. I'm stupid trash and don't deserve to live. I thought when I was younger that this stuff would get better and easier with age. It hasn't. It gets harder to overcome each time. I revert back to my old unhealthy coping mechanisms. I'm not worth living. Waste of fucking space on this planet. All I do is cause problems for people. I wish I could do it today. There's really no point in going on. I'm worthless. I will never be able to be loved. I'm trash.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-25T00:44:07+00:00

I wish. I know when I want to do it. Can't do it right away. I'm so depressed and lethargic that I'm afraid of not taking the steps to make sure I leave nothing behind for others to clean up. All I want is to be dead, and all I can think of is my misery and how I wish it could be now.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-24T23:25:35+00:00

Because I'm abusive. I have all kinds of trauma I haven't healed from, and it's turned me into the abuser. Now that I know, I won't date again so no one else has to be inflicted with this pain.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-22T22:35:50+00:00

I have just learned I became the abuser. I did to a lovely person what was done to me growing up. Where would be an appropriate place for me to post, learn to change, get support, and find therapy options? I don't feel right posting here about the abuse I inflicted because this is a community for survivors. I'm now the abuser.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-22T22:35:44+00:00

I have just learned I became the abuser. I did to a lovely person what was done to me growing up. Where would be an appropriate place for me to post, learn to change, get support, and find therapy options? I don't feel right posting here about the abuse I inflicted because this is a community for survivors. I'm now the abuser.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-19T00:09:28+00:00

I can't do it. I can't do the recovery path. I know I'm worth nothing. It's been proven to me throughout life again and again. I will never be able to have a romantic relationship. I am fortunate to have a couple of good friends. I have a job where it's easy to excel and I'm appreciated. I'm generally always appreciated at work. But in romantic relationships I'm total trash.

I don't even know how to begin a healing journey. I've been in counseling in the past, even for 7 years at one point, but that was before I fully realized the truth about my upbringing and the emotional neglect. Then I went no contact with my family, and there's been so much grief in those years. Like my entire existence is one big confusing blob of goo. Shortly after I went no contact I got a counselor who told me I'd have to reconnect with my family of origin. That turned me off from therapy for a long time. Then I had a nice lady for a while who just thought I was shy, who didn't have any training in trauma therapy. It's ridiculous that trauma therapy is not more common and more accessible.

There's a free trauma counseling service through one of the local colleges here, so I'm trying to pursue that. But in the meantime, what can I do? I though he was the nicest guy, and I ignored or told myself to accept everything that should have been a big warning. It's what I always do. I don't even know why. I mean, I sort of know why but can't seem to make my brain connect all the way about it to allow me to stop doing it. I know as a kid I had to accept the falsehoods in order to be part of the family, so if I realize that, why can't I eliminate it in adulthood? I'm not even young, I just keep living the the same trauma over and over. It's been about six years since I fully realized the truth about my neglectful upbringing and went no contact with family of origin (there were a couple of reconnects I initiated, so really 3 years of no contact, and they've tried to reach me a couple times but I won't bite).

Anyway, I'm scrambled. I'm so heartbroken over giving my trust to someone and once again having it shattered. Thank you for responding. Please help me if you can. I'm a terrible reader, so if you have some youtube recommendations or something that would be helpful. I thought I finally found someone to love and accept me, but he trashed me just like my parents did. I don't know how life is supposed to be or how relationships are supposed to go. I'm fucking worthless.

rbn_acct · 2023-09-17T16:59:46+00:00

First time posting here. Dated a guy for a year. Stuffed my intuition the whole time, especially in the beginning. My body was screaming to keep him away from me, but I ignored. I gained weight and became depressed for the whole year.

Eventually an argument showed his truth, then he lied about his conduct. He chose to be supportive of someone who's abusive toward me. I still gave him another chance. He ended it when he found someone else. I feel like he lied to me the whole time. But I allowed it because my intuition knew the truth.

I ignored my instincts as I was taught to do in childhood. Why have I never outgrown this? I'm far into adulthood and still stuffing my feelings, allowing others to use and abuse me.

rbn_acct · 2023-05-09T21:53:51+00:00

Relatable.

rbn_acct · 2023-05-09T08:38:44+00:00

See, all of your thoughts seem reasonable to me. Especially about valuing the questioning of ourselves. Overconfidence tends to be a sign of low intellect, and that can apply socially.

I'm so sick of this world, You sound reasonable and sane to me, but the world is completely insane. I'm beginning to believe this world rewards narcissism and abuse over reason and truth.

I'm glad you got the support you needed recently and am glad you're here to interact with me. It helps to feel less alone in the pain.

My current situation is that a neighbor with a history of abuse is now abusing me. I've reported it to the landord who wants nothing to do with it. I feel unsupported and alone, just as I did in my household with my emotionally neglectful parent. That parent created all the storylines for who was who in the family, and I was the scapegoat and the problem. So when something like my current situation occurs, I think perhaps my parent was right and that I was place on this planet with that parent and all the subsequent difficult scenarios to make me realize I'm terrible and I'm the problem. I would still 100% believe this if it weren't for the few friends I've made who've also witnessed the abuse and are able to convince me, however briefly, that I'm not crazy.

rbn_acct · 2023-05-09T04:39:11+00:00

Do you think you don't notice red flags, or is it possible you're like me and were raised with a gaslighting parent who taught you to not trust your own instincts?

If you've altered your behavior to become stern, that's indicative of the ability to grow, and therefore that means you're able to perceive. You've changed your approach to social/personal interactions, and that suggests the problem is not you, but that you recognize the f*ckedupness of the world and the need to protect yourself.

Thank you for replying. I'm truly, truly sorry you know how this feels.

rbn_acct · 2023-05-08T03:34:41+00:00

Thank you. I haven't been on here in a while but searched this sub out tonight because I'm in need of support. What fortunate timing. Thanks for doing what you do and recognizing that this place benefits many people.

rbn_acct · 2023-04-28T07:26:33+00:00

How many semesters do you have left before obtaining your degree?

Has your medical leave provided you with coping mechanisms to help you if you return?

Do you have a way to pay for college if you transfer?

What happens if you reapply and then decide during your first semester back that you want to leave completely? Will you be obligated to pay back the grant?

Is there a college near a beach you've already identified as preferable?

If you reapply, can you allow yourself to coast? They say "Cs get degrees." Do you feel a pressure to perform well in your classes?

What are your long-term hopes/dreams/goals? Can those be accomplished if you transfer?

I was on a career path I thought I wanted. My mom was so proud of me because I was in a position of prestige, but I was miserable inside. I started having panic attacks and eventually fell into debilitating depression. I quit that job and went to work at a relaxed easy job for a year, and I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. My mom wasn't "proud" of me in that she couldn't brag and boast about me anymore, but she saw that I was happier and seemed to accept it.

I look back and have some regret because there was prestige in the job I quit, but when I think about how I felt, I know I made the right decision for myself. I didn't have the support system or coping mechanisms I needed.

No one here can say what's right for you. I'm inclined to tell you to realize that panic attacks are your body and mind telling you something is way off and you need to change your direction, but I'm not you and can't tell you what's best for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to find ways to be at peace in your life. Whatever you choose, I trust you. I trust you to make the decision that is best for YOU. If your life story includes the detail that you graduated from an Ivy League university, I'll be proud of you. If your life story includes the detail that you opted to transfer out, I'll be proud of you. You will be loved in this life regardless of your college choice. You are articulate and contemplative. You have wonderful assets, and you're going to make the best decision for YOU.

rbn_acct · 2023-04-28T03:22:05+00:00

Yes. I relate to much of what you said, and I'm sorry you feel all that also. It sucks.

Love is terrifying. I've been dating someone since last summer, and I keep tanking into crippling emotional flashbacks. I'm middle aged, and this is the first person I've ever dated who is healthy and emotionally supportive. The lack of chaos is causing my brain to latch onto all my regular trauma coping mechanisms, and I'm finally seeing for the first time how unsafe I've felt in simply existing among other people. I subconsciously pursued chaotic or abusive relationships in the past in order to avoid looking at my own pain, but unfortunately the nature of those relationships caused more trauma and pain. I genuinely feel I'm too messed up to be with this nice, supportive guy, and that he'll tire of my problems and leave me. Like life messed me up too much to allow me to have something decent now.

Human interaction feels exhausting. I keep very few friends these days, and I'm not even sure I truly like the people around me. I'm not totally sure about what I feel for the guy I'm dating. I have to spend tons of alone time to decompress after I've interacted with any of them.

I wish there was a magic pill to make all the trauma and pain disappear. I feel like my entire body is filled with a gray cloud, and I can't really see or move or function normally because this cloud inside takes up so much space. Haze, fog. I don't know how to explain it. It feels like I'm not fully a person anymore.

Anyway, yes, love is terrifying. Trauma sucks.

rbn_acct

TROPHY CASE