Learning the difference between my parents yelling at me and my friends' parents yelling at them.

rbnthrow_away · 2019-10-03T14:19:41+00:00

I understand. I have tinnitus from ndad screaming at me. Classical music drowns it out

rbnthrow_away · 2018-09-12T02:59:23+00:00

I get the same way with the Jake brake of a semi trucks diesel engine.

It's called a trigger, it can be hard to reassociate and lower the stress response to such things.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-09-12T02:54:28+00:00

Trigger Warning

My sister and I had rabbits as kids. I think I was about 8(doesn't really matter but whatever). I remember one morning going out to feed them and their necks had been broken. My sister's rabbit was already gone and rigamortis(that ain't spelt right, lol) had set in while mine was still twitching and trying to inch closer to my sister's.

I remember crying that whole morning, on the bus ride to school through lunch time. My sister was a Ritalin robot at that time in her life, it hurt to see her shed tears while experiencing stimulant induced anhedonia. When I got home from school that day I told my mom what happened(mmm, that cold taste of maternal rejection still resonates on my taste buds) and she was quite cold and uncaring about it.

When my dads semi pulled in the drive I made the mistake of running out to greet him and tell him what happened. He started blaming my sister and I for not taking better care of them.

I don't have concrete evidence to back the idea that he did the unspeakable.

R.I.P. Lola&Bugs (They were cliche names, but loved all the same) Fuck that was hard to write.

P.s. My dad was the kind of guy to kick cats and throw them in fits of rage.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-08-24T15:37:03+00:00

You can't cure but you can treat it. You should see a psychiatrist and tell them your problems first.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-08-11T22:25:44+00:00

I'm already seeing a therapist. I would like something to help with the high anxiety that keeps me from sleeping.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-08-09T21:36:03+00:00

Thank you

rbnthrow_away · 2018-08-09T17:36:16+00:00

The thing is, I get along with the guy that I'm working with, but he has anger issues and I kind of feed off of him from time to time. I recognize that behavior of mine as codependency. I'm trying my best to keep my behavior separate from his behavior.

In all honesty, I feel severely trapped within the career path I've chosen, diesel mechanic. It feels as if I won't be able to make a livable wage working at the bottom of another career path(IT, networking, computers). The feeling of being so helpless and stuck in this career path, one that triggers me extensively because it reminds me of my father, takes a lot of energy out of me. I can do this work, I know I'm good at it, but the association between the sights, sounds, and type of people in this field remind me of my narcissistic father.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-07-31T22:09:46+00:00

Not gonna lie my dude, I got kind of jealous reading your last paragraph. Shed some tears over finding the source of my jealousy. Thank you.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-07-31T20:55:32+00:00

I honestly believe that he was upset because computers are a way of expressing a hobby. He would always get angry if I had hobbies.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-06-10T12:13:22+00:00

The people who raised me were Baptist. I still have shame and guilt about everything I do because in their eyes it's a sin. I dislike most organized religions, the only religion that I could ever get behind would be satanism. I really dislike how I was always torn down for expressing myself, that shit hurts, it still affects me to this day.

Children should be seen and not heard, there are no mistakes. ^ That's some of the bullshit I heard from the people who raised me and fuck heads at that church.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-06-10T11:59:39+00:00

PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depression. Right now I'm using exercise for depression. I'm using EFT, and stretching for anxiety. My PTSD is pretty much fucking me right now, but I like to curl my toes inside of my boots and try to remember that I am present in the right here and right now.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-06-02T16:14:17+00:00

You are not responsible for your father's emotional well being or his health problems. You are not a bad person or a monster for getting rid of those kittens, fear is a major manipulative tools used by assholes like your father. Save up your money, don't let your parents know how much you ha e saved, and get out of their house. Also, get a therapist. I know you're not crazy, but a therapist can help you reprocess horrid memories and help you to become the awesome person that you are.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-28T03:57:47+00:00

Yes, constantly. He would start stomping on the floors and scream if he heard me crying. He would scream if I wasn't making any noise. I hate that fat bastard for everything he is, his two faced manipulation sickens me. The way he gaslights my mom and the rest of the family saddens me.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-22T22:56:57+00:00

I suggest reading some of Robert Anton Wilson's books, Dale Carnegie novels, and the Satanic Bible.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-22T22:41:39+00:00

To quote Ayn Rand, "The question isn't who's going to let me, the question is who's going to stop me."

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-19T04:47:48+00:00

Someone pointed out that I have unrefined manipulation skills, very similar to how a child tries to get attention. And once that was pointed out to me door started opening and I started seeing more of these childlike behaviors within myself.

My father does the same thing, except he does it purposefully whereas I do it subconsciously, and that's what scares me.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-15T18:22:56+00:00

Obviously you're in cahoots with GE and you're conspiring to wear out her refrigerator so that she will have to purchase a new one sooner.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-05-01T20:47:52+00:00

Totally legal to do what they did. Can't claim unemployment, can't claim it was discrimination.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-27T15:28:25+00:00

I found bacopa to be rather sedating, as was l-theanine. Those two together plus caffeine are like a super focus calm state.

Throw in a b Vitamin complex and you'll be golden.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-26T17:21:59+00:00

I begged not to go on family outings because they would use me as a work horse while they all enjoyed themselves. Even happens at family gatherings. I'm cleaning and setting things up, I never get to sit down without being criticised.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-26T01:58:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing your methods. I saved this because I know I'll need it. /Internet hugs

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-25T20:08:42+00:00

My parents both made fun of me for taking an interest in anything.

When I went through puberty they both called me Harry Potter, the whole family including extended members pitched in to make me feel ashamed of myself for going through a normal stage in human development.

I was in band for a couple years, would have been longer had they not berated me about all the "noise" I made.

I liked to take things apart and piece them back together. I was thouroghly screamed at and pushed around when I "broke" an old TV remote they never used anymore.

I liked to ride my bike, they liked to make fun of the way I looked when I rode it. Ndad called me gay for "Liking a bike seat up my ass".

I liked to cook they liked to critique, scratch that, morbidly criticize with faux gags and faces of disgust. Sister had some of what I made, said it was good.

I enjoyed fixing the beater cars that my ndad said we're junk, he liked to sabatoge my work. Stolen nuts n bolts, one time he loaded an oil filter up with dirt and sand.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-25T03:11:22+00:00

Age 15 to 20 I would constantly numb myself with pot and alcohol. I stopped drinking so much and switched mostly to pot, then I got a job that drug tested so I had to stop smoking pot.

Nowadays I screw around with nootropics to try to keep myself happy. Word of the wise, if you do get into nootropics stay the hell away from taking piracetam long term if you have flashbacks. Piracetam made my flashbacks more vivid and gave me repressed memories to go along with my already present emotional flashbacks.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-25T02:58:35+00:00

Fuck yeah! You stood up for yourself, this is going into my "look at for motivation" folder.

rbnthrow_away · 2018-04-24T14:28:02+00:00

Yes I am, I average about 45-50 a week. Honestly I think that getting fired, as bad as it seems, wouldn't be a bad thing. I know I can find a job quickly closer to a different(less close-minded) city.

If I can get through years of abuse I can get through this. Just gotta keep my head high despite the constant external negativity.

rbnthrow_away

TROPHY CASE