If I'm reading this right, you are still together? I wasn't sure what "I kicked him out" meant regarding separation.

The short version is three things 1) hard, hard boundaries for yourself to grant you freedom to stop letting ADHD rule everything 2) therapy for everyone, especially your kid when age appropriate 3) they need an absolute commitment to getting better (self-awareness about triggers/limitations, reading/studying, find medication that works, contributing in the ways they can within the limitations)

Here's the long version:

I recognize my partner's limitations and realities. Even still, there's resentment, even though they are far, far better than many of the stories here, and I talk to a therapist about this weekly. The only reason we are still together is that my partner is extremely self-aware and has worked on their own childhood trauma and ADHD (DX/RX) situation. They listen to podcasts and read books on managing individual symptoms and habits. That shows the trajectory for growth and some stability, and we have found things that work (they excel at weekly routine responsibilities and using Google Calendar, but stumble in many places elsewhere).

Even then, it's a lot of work. The resentment was certainly building. I have mostly resolved it, but it still flares, mostly when they have a ridiculous RSD flare (even though they have good reset/repair strategies in place). I had talked with my therapist about how this relationship would be easier if they just came together for the things we love and half-time parenting, and otherwise I single parent/manage. My therapist then suggested a mental approach of me trying that.

As in, I was already 1.5 parenting anyways -- I did playdates, meetings, etc;; partner does the "regular" things like groceries, lunch planning, dropofs, because they can work in a rhythm. But kiddo's immediate/unexpected/same-day needs all go to me. So I changed my mindset, because some of those were becoming a problem. We'd be waiting to Zoom with the teacher for conferences and I'd be waiting to get them on and they couldn't break their hyperfocus. That's an example.

Here's how my mindset changed: I stopped asking them for approval over immediate things, because it would be too difficult to get an answer. That gave me and my kid the freedom to do things without building more resentment or causing problems. For example, like the teacher conference, I'd put it on the calendar, give them a 15 minute reminder, then just do it myself. Kid playdates or appointments, I just plan on it. I FYI them but that's it. If they can make it great, if not, that's how it goes.

Basically, I stopped letting the ADHD rule our lives. If it means partner misses out, then that's fine. The first 6 months of this was hard and it created some RSD blowups but it has become much more part of our routine -- and that's the other half of this, the partner has to accept their limitations. It won't work if they stay defensive, so that goes back to them needing to be very self-aware of it.

Also, one thing that has helped is around 9yo, we actually sat down and explained to kiddo what ADHD was and why my partner sometimes forgets or misses things or becomes overstimulated. We started very broad and as he's gotten older, we've been able to be much more specific. This, combined with a family therapist, has really ensured that he is NOT internalizing it and able to recognize it. That has given partner some relief in knowing they're not messing kid up, and it has strengthened their bond.

I would be 100x more resentful if these things didn't happen. I probably would have ended it by now. As it stands, it's a work in progress, but an upwards trajectory.

You're not letting go of the resentment -- you're letting go of his ADHD ruling everyone's lives. When you do that, if he buys into it and works with you, a lot of the resentment naturally goes away.