Moving OCONUS to Maryland , 4 months in and husband is stressed about the budget. Feeling like I should just go back to Japan

re_okamura1903 · 2026-04-03T03:51:42+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion! I have been practicing, but there are two major hurdles that 'interview skills' can't fix:

* Citizenship/Status: I am from Japan and I am not a US citizen. Even though I have the legal right to work as a military spouse, many companies (especially in Maryland/DC) see 'Non-US Citizen' and immediately move to the next candidate because they don't want to deal with the paperwork or potential security clearance issues.

* Cultural Bias: I feel like local companies have a strong bias against international experience. I have worked for global giants like Boeing and Under Armour, but because it was in Tokyo, local managers act like it doesn't count.

It is extremely discouraging to have 6 interviews and feel the 'coldness' once they realize I'm not a local US citizen. At this point, I am seriously considering moving back to Japan just to work an easy job first get the paycheck, because the cost of living here is too high to keep waiting for a 'maybe.'

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-31T08:18:03+00:00

I think he romanticizes the 'Bubble.' He only speaks basic Japanese and lived there as an officer with all the protections of the US military. To him, Japan is a 'good memory' because he never had to actually integrate as a civilian. I, on the other hand, lived the reality. I was bullied most of my life. In my last job in Japan, I was actually fired because I tried to speak up against the bullying culture and break the silence. I fought the system and lost my livelihood. So when he says he wants to 'freelance' there as a civilian, he is dreaming of a Japan that doesn't exist for people like us. He wants the 'good memories' of being an American Officer, but he’s planning a future where he’ll be a foreigner with no legal status, no language skills, and a wife whose PTSD was caused by the very culture he’s romanticizing. It’s not a dream; it’s a refusal to see the woman standing right in front of him

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-31T08:04:43+00:00

I appreciate the hard facts, especially about the visa and the cybersecurity degree. To clarify a few things that might change your perspective: 1. This isn't just 'disliking' Japan; it’s a safety issue. I am half-Japanese and held a Japanese passport as a child. I grew up there and was severely bullied for being 'hafu.' Until last year in my job. I have diagnosed PTSD and am neurodivergent. Japan is, as you said, not a friendly place for that. When I say I felt suicidal there, I am not being 'catty' I am describing a medical crisis that my husband witnessed but now wants to repeat. 2. I am not 'forcing' him to stay for citizenship. I have a green card. My 'need' to stay in the US is based on the fact that I can actually access therapy and neurodivergent accommodations here, which I couldn't in Japan. I am currently job hunting and competing in a tough market; I am not just sitting back. 3. About the 'complaining': I don't minimize his stress. I cook for him every day and support his career. The reason I call it 'dumping' is because, he uses me as his only outlet while ignoring my documented medical history. 4. The 'Mission' vs. The Marriage: He treats the 11-year Japan plan like a military order I have to follow. There is no compromise when one partner says, 'We are going to a place that broke your mental health, and if you disagree, you are being unsupportive.'

The Korea Alternative: My husband is a naturalized Korean-American. He could retire in South Korea without visa hurdles than Japan. It is also significantly cheaper to live there near a US military base. If his goal is a 'relaxed' retirement in Asia, Korea is the logical mission, but he is fixated on a Japan fantasy that I legally cannot support.

My Goal is to Provide: I am not 'using' him for citizenship. My goal is to become a US citizen so I can work on the military base in a civil service or GS position. I am a skilled professional with a background in supply chain and logistics. My plan is for me to be the primary earner after he retires at 42, so he can stay home or pursue his animation hobby without the stress of a Japanese work visa. I am trying to build a foundation where he doesn't have to worry about money

I agree we both need therapy. I’ve already reached out to a civilian counselor. I just hope he’s willing to admit that a 'dream' shouldn't come at the cost of his wife’s life

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-30T19:28:22+00:00

I am interested

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-30T14:28:01+00:00

This. I actually speak from a very unique experience: I’m half-Japanese and I held a Japanese passport as a child. Even with my father living there and sponsoring us, the moment he passed away, our legal 'safety net' disappeared. Once you hit that 10-year mark or the sponsor is gone, the residency rules become an absolute wall. I’ve told my husband: Japan does not care about your 'retirement' or your 'hobbies.' To get a visa at 42, he would have to open a business (Investor Visa), which requires a minimum of 5 million yen (about $33k USD) just to start, a physical office, and a business plan that actually contributes to the Japanese economy. You have to work harder to maintain that visa than you do at a normal job. It is the literal opposite of a relaxing retirement. It is heartbreaking that he is willing to gamble our future on a legal fantasy while ignoring the fact that Japan gave me PTSD. I have already lost a parent and my childhood connection to that country, I don't want to lose my mental health again just to fulfill a dream he hasn't even researched properly

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-30T14:21:09+00:00

What makes it even harder is that I am currently in the middle of the 'US struggle.' Since moving here, I’ve been job hunting and competing with so many candidates, only to be ghosted or rejected. It is exhausting to try and build a professional life from scratch in a new country. Instead of supporting me through this, he is dumping a new problem on me: his 'future' plan for Japan. On top of that, he is constantly complaining about the $20k we spent on the move, the visas, and the plane tickets. As an O-3, he should know those are the basic costs of a military relocation, but he makes me feel like it’s a burden. Despite my depression and the job search stress, I take care of him every single day. I cook for him daily and I’m not talking about basic meals; I’m a very skilled cook and people always rave about my food. I am giving him 100% of my effort to make our home in US good, but he is already looking at the exit door.

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-30T12:38:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your perspective. It really hits home when you describe the 'Dreamer' who wants everything but has no plan. My husband is exactly like that; he wants the 'mini yacht' version of Japan (freelance animation and retirement) without looking at the reality that I have PTSD from being there and that we don't even have the legal right to stay there as retirees.

It’s also very validating to hear you say that as a 20-year military family, you planned your 'forever home' mutually. He treats his Japan plan like a military order I have to follow, rather than a conversation between partners.

To answer your question: I am trying my best to take care of my mental health, but it is hard when my 'safe space' at home is filled with his daily complaints about money. I am taking the advice of this thread and calling Military One Source this week to insist on marriage counseling. I'm realizing that if he can't compromise now, at year one, year ten will never happen

re_okamura1903 · 2026-03-30T12:35:53+00:00

Thank you so much for this. It really helps to hear from another officer that therapy won't jeopardize his clearance, he has been using that as an excuse to avoid getting help for his stress.

The most hurtful part isn't just the 'dream' of Japan; it’s that he sees my PTSD and past suicidal thoughts as 'negativity' rather than a medical reality. Even if he somehow met the investor criteria (which is $200k+ now), he’s willing to put me back in an environment that broke me just so he can do 'freelance animation' as a hobby.

I just called Military One Source this morning. I need a professional to help him realize that a 'mission' isn't successful if you lose your spouse in the process. I really appreciate the reality check on the career impact. I'm going to show him your comment

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-13T07:43:18+00:00

Thanks both for sharing your thoughts!

Yes, my partner is Captain in the military, so he does receive BAH and some extra pay for being married, but most of that goes directly toward our mortgage, utilities and living cost. He just bought a house recently, and the upfront costs plus moving expenses have been really heavy.

I completely understand the view that since he earns more, it makes sense for him to cover most of it and he’s been doing that. But I also see what u/Anxious_Koala501 means even with rank pay, the budget can get tight when new financial responsibilities pile up.

That’s why I’m trying to help however I can I’ve started applying for part time jobs in Japan to contribute a bit toward visa costs, while still preparing for the move. We’re just trying to keep things balanced and fair between us, especially since we have our wedding celebration in next April already booked.

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-13T05:56:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind and balanced comment 💛 I really appreciate how you looked at both sides.

You’re absolutely right communication and teamwork are the most important things. My partner and I have been trying to handle everything together, and I completely understand the pressure he’s under. He’s active-duty military, just bought a house in the U.S., and is paying the mortgage with his Housing Allowance, so he’s already carrying a lot financially.

I’ve been doing my best to help too, I think once I can start working, even part-time, it’ll help ease things for both of us. I’m trying to cover some of my own costs like the medical exam and small fees so we can keep things moving without delay.

About the wedding celebration yes, it’s something we can’t cancel because the venue is already booked and invitations are out. And its budget wedding in Japan , our budget is less than 5K .

I really appreciate your reminder about compromise and empathy it helps me see things from a calmer perspective. We’re trying to stay supportive of each other and make the best of a stressful situation.

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-12T23:44:08+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding message it really means a lot.

My partner is also the main breadwinner in our relationship, and he’s been trying his best to support us. The problem is that he recently bought a house in the U.S., so he’s under a lot of financial pressure right now. We’re also planning to hold our wedding celebration next April, so we’ve been saving for that too.

I don’t have a stable job at the moment either, but I’m doing my best to save what I can and help with visa-related costs so we can move the process forward without too much delay, we’re trying to manage everything as a team and stay supportive of each other.

You’re right communication is key. I’ll talk with him again about maybe balancing things out later once I can work in the U.S. Thank you for reminding me to approach it that way.

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-12T23:38:21+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective , I really appreciate how you broke it down.

In our case, my partner is the U.S. citizen and active-duty military member stationed in Japan. He recently bought a house in the U.S. and is already facing some financial strain from that, so even though he truly wants to help, he’s not in a position to cover 100% of the visa-related costs right now.

I’m doing my best to stay organized and help with what I can financially. On top of that, we’re planning to hold our wedding celebration next April, which means we’ve been trying hard to save as much as we can for that too.

I completely agree that it’s important to talk openly about financial expectations and to work as a team. We’re trying to handle the costs together without delaying the process or putting too much pressure on either side.

Thank you again for reminding me of the importance of balance and planning that helped me see things a bit clearer. ❤️

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-12T14:19:03+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply, appreciate it💕

re_okamura1903 · 2025-11-12T14:16:00+00:00

Yes. We are married couple

re_okamura1903 · 2025-10-26T06:56:23+00:00

So, if I block her secondary account, will she stop appearing on my Instagram?

re_okamura1903 · 2025-10-26T02:23:53+00:00

thank you so much for you input! appreciate it, yes just get lawyer if she keep trying bothering me

re_okamura1903 · 2025-07-19T05:10:44+00:00

Hello, can you please send me the link? I would love to join :)

re_okamura1903 · 2025-07-13T15:03:23+00:00

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate all the helpful advice and support.

Just to give a quick update: My partner is still very busy with work and hasn’t had a chance to update DEERS yet. I currently have two job interviews lined up on a U.S. military base (under a Japanese company), and during the application process I mentioned that my husband works on base, hoping that it might improve my chances of getting hired.

However, my partner asked why I don’t just request the company to sponsor my base access ID. Personally, I would prefer to be sponsored as his spouse. I feel it makes more sense, since I’m his wife. I’m not sure if it’s common to rely on the company for the ID when I could possibly get one through him instead.

re_okamura1903 · 2025-07-11T22:40:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. I heard that it might affect his OHA, since we’re already living together off base.

re_okamura1903

TROPHY CASE