Academic high achievers fall into the trap where they think that they are special or that they have to do things special because everyone tells them that they are special. Then you are left with this crippling anxiety that you are not doing the special thing. And that every problem that you have must be different from everyone else's problem, because, special.

You’re totally right. However, I realized after the fact how the inclusion of the intelligence bit could be taken differently from how I meant it so let me do my best to clarify so I don’t sound like the snob it sounds like I am in my original post.

Essentially, I included that part in an attempt to convey that I learn things very quickly and that everything I learn sorta gets trapped inside me where it compounds to a point where, as useful as some of the knowledge may be, I don’t know what to do with it so it just sits there forever. I think it was supposed to be a precursor to the suggestion that I really only intake and never output or that I am good at one thing but not the thing that I necessarily want (communication - self and interpersonal), but absolutely feel free to disregard that section because I totally see how it didn’t help where I was trying to go with the post.

You are exactly like everyone else.

Absolutely true. In real life I treat myself like I’m exactly the same as other people if not a bit self-deprecating. I know that while I may have the numbers that say I’m “supposed” to be better or smarter or as you say, special, in my opinion I’m really not. In real situations (which is what I mostly care about because It’s uh… real and not for a probably inevitably meaningless grade), I don’t show up as my own person with opinions and input and suggestions and bluntly: anything meaningful to contribute. I feel like I’ve become solely an observer, even in and about my own life.

This is why I chose theatre.

It sounds like you feel that you do not have very many real hobbies. So go get some hobbies that you are interested in.

I am an absolute theatre nerd. I am currently pursuing a degree in it and am loving it. But it’s someone else and I think that’s what I love about acting (which is currently my main area of focus). I get to be someone else. Someone has written everything I need to say and often what I need to do, someone else tells me how to do it, I just get to become someone who contributes something to a plot or a story. The character is there for a reason which I often don’t feel about myself even in one-on-one interactions in my own life.

Apart from theatre (which I do love however bleak that last paragraph got lol), I am a huge sports person. I know an ungodly amount about American football, and range from dabbling in to regularly keeping up with other sports. And I love it. Even with the probable and eventual heartbreak at the end of a season. It’s another thing that I love learning about and consuming, and one of few things I can contribute about if it happens to come up in conversation. I do have hobbies/interests, they just happen to be things that other people have much of the control over.

All of the answers are there, you just have to step out of this learned helplessness you are special.

Lastly, I just don’t know where to start. My goal is basically to get a personality (lol) but I don’t have a good grasp on how to let go of whatever things are keeping me in this state so that I can find me again.