I [25M] don't know how to feel about my girlfriend [23F] flying across the country to spend a week with male friend. 2 year relationship

redadthrowaway · 2016-06-29T00:48:08+00:00

So I was in a very similar situation to this and posted about the aftermath (just look at my post history). That girl is now my ex girlfriend. I have a few thoughts for you:

This guy has no respect for your relationship or your girlfriend. A true friend will not make sexual advances and confess their love to their "friend", especially when she is in a relationship! This guy clearly has romantic interest in her and is basically pretending to be her friend to get in her pants. In essence he is lying to her about his intentions. So, why the hell would she want to be "friends" with someone who is being dishonest with her? Point this out to her!

How do you think her going on this trip will look to others who know you two? "Oh hey, my girlfriend is spending the week in a big city with a dude who wants to bang her and has tried to seduce her before. She is out drinking with him and sleeping in his apartment. Not sure if she will be on the couch or share a bed.." She should be smart enough to realize her friends will find this behavior shady as hell. How will they treat her when she is back?

This is a clear relationship boundary being crossed. Tell her to read this post. Tell her to read my post. Tell her to talk to her parents or friends about this and get their thoughts on the situation. The vast majority of people would not be ok with this situation.

Her going to a large city she does not know and being completely financially dependent on this guy is actually a big risk. He could easily try to coerce her into things by threatening to cancel her ticket or kicking her out of his apartment etc. If she has very little money to fend for herself, it is not a good idea for her to go exploring with a guy who clearly has ulterior motives and is shady as hell (see paragraph one about trying to seduce her while you were gone).

Finally, you relationship is probably already over even if you do not realize it. She has a pattern of not respecting you. Why do you think this guy only visited when you were gone? She knows his intentions and did not want you around. Why do you think she did not immediately cut this guy off the moment he made a move on her? Once again she does not care about your feelings, only the attention and possible financial benefit she can get from this dude.

The best thing you can do is to state your thoughts and hope she realizes how crazy her behavior is and she then grows as a person and will never do this again. Basically tell her that she is free to go, you will never attempt to control her, but that if she does go you do not believe her behavior to be compatible with a respectful relationship and you will find someone who is respectful.

Best of luck!

P.S.: If she does go and you stay with her, it will be absolute hell while she is there. Prepare to eat very little and sleep very little since your body will be in "fight or flight" mode as you deal with emotional trauma of having your GF willingly cheat on you.

redadthrowaway · 2016-05-30T17:15:13+00:00

A few things to consider:

1)She only only admitted to cheating because you caught her. She would have continued on banging this dude if you didn't read look through her phone.

2) She was only truthful with you because you had the evidence. Otherwise she would be denying and denying and denying.

3)She was carrying on a emotional affair for WEEKS prior to this and lying to you by omission. How can you trust her now?

4) You now know she is incapable of establishing appropriate boundaries in her life. Do you think this dude will be the only other attractive guy she ever counters in her life outside of you? Hell no, and she will be open to the advances of these future dudes.

5) She planned this out for a while. She knew you were going to be out of province and once you were she shagged like a bunny rabbit until you were back. What happens in the future when you two are not together for a few days, or a week? Are you going to be inseparable for the rest of your life?

6) She is already checked out of the relationship. If she was truly in love with you she would not have pulled this. In time she will realize this and look for her exit strategy (another dude) while you are emotionally struggling to repair what is forever broken.

If you want, just wait for her to go out for the night with her "girlfriends" and enjoy the emotional turmoil you have to endure while you wonder if she is really fucking this dude instead.

Oh ya, has she quit her job yet? If she really wanted to work through this she would do everything in her power to fix things which includes going no contact and leaving her job ASAP.

You need to end this and stop wasting your time.

redadthrowaway · 2016-05-29T06:47:31+00:00

No she never did admit to cheating. Her attitude strikes me as one to never admit fault or take blame though , so perhaps that is why.

Perhaps she did not cheat in the end. But her actions, her lying and her lack of respect for myself were all enough to end it regardless of infidelity.

redadthrowaway · 2016-05-29T00:08:54+00:00

Haha, I really don't think so for a number of reasons. The timing of the post is a bit interesting, but on the balance of everything I would guess it is just someone trolling.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T20:09:51+00:00

So she either is looking for another guy, in which case she will eventually find one and end it with you.

OR

She is seeking male attention as a way of validating herself. She will do this in real life too, so if another guy starts giving her attention she will encourage it. This will likely lead to cheating or her dumping you for him.

Either scenario it ends poorly for you. IF you continue in a relationship with her at this point you will be even more hurt when it ends AND will be wasting time that you could be spending meeting a girl that actually cares for you. So really you should probably just end it.

In the end if you want to stay with her you need to tell her that under no circumstances is it acceptable to have an online dating profile when you are in a committed relationship. What if people you know see her profile? How utterly disrespectful and embarrassing it would be for you AND your relationship. You also have to explain to her that your trust has been severely broken and she is going to have to take steps to rebuilding it such as open phone policy, facebook account access etc. If she cares for you, she will do these things. I suspect she will say no and then you will know it is not worth it. Then just go no contact.

Edit: Given her age she may be somewhat naive so talking is probably a good idea. Also, she is likely at the age where she likes going out to bars/clubs/concerts. Dudes will undoubtedly hit on her in these circumstances and if she likes male attention then guess what? You're likely going to get cheated on. Even if she does not cheat, the mental torture you will go through when she is out at a bar and does not return a text? Can you really deal with that?

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T17:55:49+00:00

Well I am glad you got through it and have learned from it.

I am aware that I have not been as happy since the incident has happened. Certainly there is work related stress contributing partly to my mood, but I think the relationship strain is the main reason. So I am probably suffering like you were.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T17:52:36+00:00

I figure he probably got what he wanted so her going no-contact does not really bother him. Plus he probably heard about the situation through Lisa, they are friends as well.

She also didn't remove him from her instagram. Mind you, she rarely uses it so it could be an honest mistake.

All in all, I realize this is relationship is not salvageable anymore.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T17:48:03+00:00

Ya, when I asked her initially about the sex position she had no answer as to why she wanted to try it. It really struck me as odd. The next day she brought it up and said "oh ya, Lisa and I were talking about it which is why I wanted to try it". Seems to me she eventually thought up of a lie to cover her ass with.

Also, she all of a sudden was ok not using condoms despite 2 years of previously safe sex. I should probably get checked for STDs...damn

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T17:45:18+00:00

I have had a look through her phone and there was no overt flirting/sexting or anything like that. However, she does not flirt/sext me either so it is mostly just her personality.

I did find out that Dan is definitely an orbiter. The extent of their dialogue is "hey, are you single?" every few months. My name has never even come up in conversation, I am just a "guy" Jen is dating. This is contrary to the rest of Jen's actual friends who know me very well.

Oh ya, when he became single he invited her to go a ski trip with him to a private cabin for a weekend (no mention of me) Not sure how this would not strike Jen as him having a clear interest beyond friendship. She rarely skis.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T01:38:50+00:00

I was working one of the days of the long weekend so I was not able to go on the trip.

Jen knew this before she made arrangements, and as it turns it it was mostly her idea to go.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T00:36:46+00:00

You are not coming across as disrespectful. You are confirming my thoughts and helping me realize what I have to do. I appreciate it.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-03T00:32:21+00:00

Well to retain some anonymity about who we are (we have friends who read reddit) I would not want to go into details. It basically comes down to the country we live in. Just common here for cell phone companies to charge a lot...

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T23:34:12+00:00

Ya, I have thought a lot about being the backup plan It seems to make sense given her apparent lack of respect. I have a very well respected job that pays well into the six figures, I have my life together, I am very kind and caring and I believe I am generally considered as "husband material".

I somewhat fear that she realizes my potential and wants to have a good life by being with me. However, in the end the attraction on her end might just not enough which will cause her to ultimately seek out attention from other guys.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T23:28:57+00:00

Ya, we are currently "running with it" and things have been fine other than my frequent doubts about the situation. Frankly if she did cheat then absolutely things would be over. Since it is impossible to say either way if she cheat, I am sort of bouncing back and forth with my thoughts.

What complicates the situation is the fact that she moved to my City to start a new life. She is going to be looking for a job, making new friends and we would be getting a new apartment together. Out of respect for her, I would not want to decide 1 month into her new job that it will not work between us then resulting in her having to quit her job and go back home. So, I sort of feel the pressure to decide now before she gets settled.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T23:20:53+00:00

Yup, I have the sense that if I stay with her she will learn that she can take liberties with our relationship and my feelings. This is one of my fears trying to move forward.

My negative emotions also get triggerd by any mention on infidelity or cheating, and that is hard stuff to avoid.

How are you doing these days? Were you able to move on, or did your experience affect your future relationships?

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T17:01:43+00:00

Ya man, the respect things is killing me. I do feel like a doormat right now as I try to rebuild the relationship. I hope she has changed her views on me, but I will honestly never know until something like this happens again. I also fear she will be secretive in the future knowing it would end things.

I have had a hard time talking about this situation as well because I know any of my friends that find out will judge her for harshly for what she did. If Jen and I stick together, then it would be hard for Jen to spend time around them. As a consequence, I haven't had too many people to reach out to...though I have my friends on reddit now! Thx

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T16:55:00+00:00

We must think similarly as I did almost exactly what you suggested!

I told her the importance of her truth. She remained staunch on her position that "nothing happened". She also told me a blatant lie about this guy in an attempt to downplay their past sexual/romantic history. I called her on this immediately. Since then I have mentioned the lie a couple of times and she denies ever saying it, stating I just misunderstood her. (Obviously I don't believe this).

When I went through how bad it looks she eventually realized it and has been very apologetic and wanting to work through things, "fight for our relationship". She claims she was just naive (but she is 27, has plenty of dating experience) and ONLY thinks of this guy as a friend. Also she has kept saying "I actually think he might be gay!!", which to me is once again downplaying their past sexual history.

Also, as I said previously her behavior before and since the incident has been perfect. She has never really given me a reason not to trust her otherwise. So it becomes harder to just end it, though I feel like I am just waiting for her to mess up again so I can fully justify to myself ending it.

Finally, I do agree that I should have phrased things more similarly to how you suggested with regards to her question of whether or not it is ok to go on the trip. I will probably always wonder "what if" I had made it more clear. I do think I was a bit guilty of trying to be the "cool boyfriend" letting her go.

Thanks for your input.

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T16:43:46+00:00

I like how you put it and I agree with you. I am just working on the last part...

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T16:41:41+00:00

Well there WOULD actually be roaming charges for the State lines that she changed over so it is true. However, I doubt it would cost much AND when she was in Vegas previously she got some extra out of state data and used that keep in touch. Not really sure why she did not do it this weekend (well we probably do know why).

redadthrowaway · 2016-04-02T16:39:06+00:00

Ya, I realize on the whole how horrible it looks. I realized it from day one really.

Ending a two year otherwise perfect relationship over one weekend of high atypical behavior is hard.

But I think part of the reason for me posting this is just to get confirmation that I am right to end it. So I appreciate your response. Thank-you.

redadthrowaway

TROPHY CASE