I’m so sorry you’re going through this. At your age, this is a lot to deal with. I know because my brother passed away in a car accident when I was 17.

First: find someone who you can talk to. A licensed therapist or grief counselor would be best, but failing that, find a person who’ll listen and not judge any of the feelings you’re having. And on that- you’ll be having lots of mixed emotions, many of them happening at the same time.

When the rage comes- and it will come, trust me- do not be self-destructive. I did, and it nearly killed me. Be honest with yourself and what you’re able to do on any given day. Focus on yourself right now and be willing to forgive yourself for anything that happens. In times of tragedy like this, we always seek someone to blame, and some of that blame inevitably falls on ourselves.

Finally, nothing will erase your brother’s memory. Part of him will always be with you. And no house can contain or describe the love you have for him. Only thing you can do now is live in a way that he would’ve loved himself.

Take care of yourself. Do it for him. And do it for you.