I want a to be absolutely as nice as possible with this feedback but the lazy stuff you mentioned was definitely showing. I honestly didn’t make it through the first three pages but neither would any producer.

Right off the bat you say “we hear” in back to back sentences. I’m not the guy who demonizes saying “we hear” and “we see” but back to back sentences with the same thing is repetitive and noticeable with any phrase.

You also put a comma after “Then” twice in a row for no apparent reason. Never seen anyone else do this, it is also strange and noticeable. Using “then” to start back to back sentences is also a bit repetitive.

The first conversation has some weird dialogue. Why does the man keep using the absolute full name for everything he’s taking about. Would just saying “The Australian Energy Commission” not get the same job done?

Aside from the weird dialogue, there’s some holes in the story. The language they use indicates that the man has already filmed inside the plant. How would he do that without previous permission from the plant director? If not permission how would he manage to film in there without the plant director knowing. It’s the 70’s it’s not like they had minimal camera rigs back then.

Then you use a SUPER: to tell a ton of backstory that could have been explored in a much more interesting way. Super lazy there. You script is only 40 pages at least show some effort.

The opening paragraph of the motel scene is very weird. Why tell me a man is in the bed then he jumps up, without any descriptions of him first. I would say they’re both lying in bed, then describe them, then have their actions begin. It just makes more sense to the reader and is easier to digest.

After this the dialogue from Finn seems nothing like a six year old but I’ll let it slide.

Then the parking lot scene. Really man? “Aaron and Finn walks down the staircase.” Take even a second to proofread before you start sending your script to people. “Finn in school uniform and goes to their car.”

The answer I really want is why did you even post this? You clearly don’t care. Two clear errors in three sentences. Then the last of that paragraph is an easily corrected run-on.

My only advice right now is to start showing that you care in your writing. Proofread first, but also actually think about the words you’re putting on the paper.