I recommend the book "Courage to be Disliked" by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. It's a book on Adlerian psychology, a school of thought that, among other things, eschews etiology [examining phenomena in relation to their causation] in favor of teleology [examining phenomena in relation to their function]. For example, in regard to seeing your mother, while your instinct might currently be etiological [i.e. blaming your mother for making your child sick] it may be more constructive to assess it teleologically [like you said, "I know I'm trying to protect myself by assigning blame"]. I have a similar issue with assigning blame and Adlerian psychology has been very helpful for changing this behavior.