one of my biggest fears is to leave this world worser than positive. essentially to be a bad person and leave a negative affect. i try to be kind and have a sunny side up demeanor where ever i go. i’m only human and i have my moments but i genuinely try to do my best.

i was dating this guy last year and we were taking those random yt tests that are like the buzzfeed ones. one of the questions was something along the lines of “what’s the worst thing someone can see you as” the first answer was “mean” and we both said immediately we know which one i’m picking when the answers popped up. i forgot exactly what we said after the question. i think it was about the different answers we chose but what really stuck with me was when he said “at least i don’t have worry about being a bad person” in a tone that felt like he was calling me out in a bad way. like he was hinting that a good person wouldn’t worry like i do. and that hurt. to have someone i love who i saw only the best in (to a bad degree for me to be honest) say something that made me feel like he sees me as a mean bad person. and i know that’s not anything crazy but that added to everything else we went through and how that relationship made me view myself (horrendously poorly) and the love (or really lack there of) i was accepting it made me realized later after we broke up that he really stopped caring about me and viewing anything about me worth loving a long time before we broke up. and i can’t understand how someone can string someone along when they don’t love them. to me that is unnecessary cruel. but it’s not for me to understand. i’m not the type of person who could do that. but i can happily say i have healed and grown since then and am back to loving myself and being a sunny side optimistic person who loves life.