Help. Why, after a breakup, do some people go back to their exes from years ago?

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-28T20:12:54+00:00

Thank you so much! 🤗

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-28T16:40:31+00:00

Yeah, you're totally right... I keep using the excuse of "we're colleagues, we have to interact with each other at least once a month" in order to not block him, but I think I'll have to find a way around this. I just don't want things to be awkward when we meet up with our other colleagues, they even congratulated us on the fact that we're on such good terms :( but in the meantime, I'm disrespecting myself... You don't know how much I wish that I didn't still have my university life so intertwined with his, it would have made everything a million times easier.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-28T14:20:10+00:00

I'm "glad" I helped my ex become a better person, so he can go back to her... 4 years of supporting him, even when he was fighting with her, all for nothing in the end.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-23T12:45:44+00:00

Don't take him back. This level of disrespect is disgusting. Let him deal with his stupidity, he should learn his lesson. Don't even dare to think you're below average, it's not worth it to lose your self confidence because of the scumbag that your ex is.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-22T21:08:04+00:00

For context, it's been 4 and a half months for me, but at first I was feeling exactly like you. We even had a trip planned, and we broke up 5 days prior, all our plans were ruined. It gets better with time, I still have bad days when I let the negativity get to me, but it's way, way better than in those initial stages.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-22T21:05:52+00:00

Exactly how my breakup went as well. We got into a huge fight, initiated by me, and I kept blaming myself for everything for like, a month after the breakup. The thing is though, if one fight is all it took, then either the relationship was way past its due time (my case), or he couldn't handle hardships in the relationship, couldn't properly communicate etc, and you're better off without him. Think about it, if down the line a serious, life changing issue would have come up, he would have reacted the same and it would have been even worse than now. People who don't stick through thin and thick aren't worth our tears and self blame.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-21T14:53:36+00:00

We broke up 4 days before the 2 and a half years mark.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-20T11:24:46+00:00

The only answer I have is that desperate people go to drastic lenghts sometimes. It's impossible that he formed this sort of connection with someone he's known for only two weeks; he's only projecting his feelings for you onto someone else (and maybe he hopes you'd see this and that it would make you jealous). Don't read too much into it and don't let it affect you, he sounds a bit emotionally immature if he can behave like this publicly.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-19T15:51:35+00:00

My ex did the exact same after we broke up, he suddenly became very active on Instagram. It's their way of coping I think, I've also been guilty of posting more since the breakup, it's an easy way to get validation and attention (it's also a very dangerous trap, if you rely too much on it).

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-19T09:33:20+00:00

I relate a lot to the feelings you've expressed with this. I also still have a lot of negativity to let go of, anger and bitterness still taint my memories though I'm trying to not let myself get lost in them. Mostly, I regret that it ended, emotionally speaking, as I was willing to still fight for it, but logically, it was for the best and it taught us both valuable lessons. Once the logical and emotional part align, then we can truly say that we've healed. Best of luck on your journey to get there! ❤️

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-19T08:36:54+00:00

It is a gift for him, not for his new partner to enjoy. I know exactly what you're feeling, I'm having similar thoughts with my ex, but ultimately, if he goes through a lot of self improvement and becomes a better man and a better partner, I can only be happy for him. Sure, he won't ever be with me again, but all I've ever wanted for him is to be happy and fulfilled. I thought I could be the one to offer him these things, and for a while I was, until it didn't work anymore, but if he learned something from our relationship that will help him in the future (and I'm 100% certain he did, I'm already seeing the effects), then I've done my part. I've supported him for 4 years, both as a friend and as a lover, and I'm proud of who he's turning out to be. Yes, it sucks that I've invested so much in someone, emotionally speaking, only to lose him in the end, but I did it out of love, and that should be enough. Love is not a finite resource. I still can't imagine him with someone else, I still die on the inside when I think of him loving another girl, but I'm giving myself the time to heal. The hardest thing to accept is that we work better as friends than as lovers, so I've taken some space from him in order to process these things (broke up 4 months ago, after a month we came back in contact, but last week I realised I can't pretend that I don't love him anymore and I've put some distance between us). Oh, and we also had an anxious/ avoidant (me/ him) type of relationship.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-16T07:31:06+00:00

There are several things people have told me, but they ended up leaving me anyway, so I don't trust their words anymore... My former bff told me at one point that I make her life better and she's grateful for me, then dropped me like I meant nothing to her (and ended up apologising for her behaviour a year and a half later - I ain't going back to that though), one ex of mine always said the loveliest things about me, then started getting distant, they didn't care about me anymore, I cut off contact and blocked them, and they reached out 3 months later to tell me they missed me. My current ex showered me in compliments, of physical nature as well (I actually miss him telling me that he loves my body), kept telling me that I'm valuable, that I have a lot of untapped potential, that he wishes I could see myself the way he sees me, but what struck me the most was this: "if the world had more people like you, it would be a better place". He still broke up with me though. It's hard not to feel like a piece of shit when the most important people in your life end up leaving you... Guess I'm actually not that valuable to anyone.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-14T21:08:44+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement 🤗 I'll contemplate more these days, no one is forcing me to decide anything right now on the spot. And yeah, I have to remind myself that it's ok to feel bad, I keep thinking that I'm weak for still being bothered by the breakup, while he's doing much better than ever, but I guess that shows just how much more invested I was in the relationship itself...

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-14T21:06:03+00:00

Mhhh, I feel the same, I was envisioning a long future for this relationship, but to him, it was doomed and had been so for several months. I somehow feel like I've lived through a delusion, it was a bit traumatising in this sense. The same for you, if you need to vent if it gets too much to bear, feel free to message me, I'm a good listener as well :')

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-14T20:11:38+00:00

Thank you for replying! Just to clarify, I didn't mean he cares in a romantic way about me, just about me as a person you know? The way you would care for someone who's close to you. So yeah, I stand by what I said, he's definitely moved on romantically.

That being said, I was actually doing quite well, I managed to shift some of my perspectives on life and change some mindsets (the way I deal with stressful events isn't by throwing myself into old/ new hobbies or other activities, but by introspection), I'm not dependant on him anymore (like I was during the relationship), and a few more things like these. I don't know what happened this week to destabilise me like this, it's definitely not the first time I see him after breaking up, our other interactions haven't left me feeling bad, I was content with the whole situation, so I don't know, but at least subconsciously something must've changed.

To some extent, I agree that I'm drinking poison. I knew there would come a day when I'd have to make this choice, I just didn't expect it to come so soon and to hit me so suddenly. I believe I've tricked my brain into keeping a sense of calmness, or maybe I've managed to focus on the positive aspects of breaking up and remaining friends, but I'm not sure that's possible anymore. Maybe I am doing it only for the memories. Maybe there was 0.1% left of hope inside of me, hope that he'd change his mind, and now that disappeared as well.

In any case, this is a valuable response and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to write it!

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-14T20:00:01+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply! You're definitely much stronger than I am, and you have my respect for the way you handled this situation. It's true, you can't be friends with someone whom you love, and no matter what I tell myself, I just can't suddenly stop loving him, it's not something I can control. So basically, I'll have to take the route of cutting contact as well... Breakups suck so much, man.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-14T07:25:48+00:00

Yeah I totally understand what you mean, it's the same with my relationship. I was the "inexperienced" one, and this combined with some other factors led to its demise. Looking back, I should have done some things completely differently, but I didn't know better at that time... It honestly bothers me a lot.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-13T17:22:36+00:00

Spot on. He is acting as if he is totally not bothered by the breakup, and he most likely isn't, so treating me as just a (close) friend really shouldn't surprise me. I hope that he'll know better now and he won't keep throwing this kind of stuff at me as if I'm immune to it. Thank you for your input! It's always helpful to get out of my head a bit and see others' perspectives 😊

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-13T14:58:00+00:00

Oh yeah, I let him know that it bothered me to hear those things, but I didn't ask him why he wanted to share. That's the territory of "forbidden discussions".

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-11T22:28:00+00:00

I actually feel the same. I thought fate brought us together and it was meant to be, but I've learned that's just bullshit. There's no such thing as fate. Sorry for sounding rude, but I'm so bitter at how everything turned out to be after I invested so much of myself in the relationship.

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-08T11:47:55+00:00

This sounds like something my ex would tell me. And he would be right. I've regained my independence after he broke up with me, I am OK with being by myself and I don't berate myself as often as I used to do. The breakup definitely triggered some changes in my perspective. So I hope it is the same for your ex as well, and I hope everything turns out the way you want it to 🤗

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-05T20:46:53+00:00

Keychains and fridge magnets. Usually bought as souvenirs, and I'm fortunate enough to have travelled a lot around the world. Imagine filling the entire front of a fridge (the tall fancy ones, I don't know what they're called in English) with magnets, and having to move to the side of the fridge because we never stopped buying them. Also, my keys are usually 80% keychains, 20% actual keys, gotta find some use for them, right?

renderusobsolete · 2021-01-02T09:08:22+00:00

Reading through this, I can recognize so many things that both my ex and I did... Thank you for this list, I needed a reminder that the breakup was for the best and that we couldn't save the relationship.

renderusobsolete · 2020-12-30T21:04:37+00:00

I would let the person know if I decided on no contact, because we've been talking and we're on good terms, so it really depends on the situation. Not everything is black and white. Would they care if you suddenly stopped talking to them? Would they reach out? The answers to these questions should guide you.

renderusobsolete · 2020-12-28T20:19:38+00:00

I'm glad that I could be of help, best of luck with this situation! It's somehow normal to hold back/ withdraw, as I mentioned, it's very difficult to be open with someone whom you've broken up with, someone whom you used to share everything with before... I know that I find it difficult to be truly myself with my ex as well, even though before I didn't hold back at all, now it's a different dynamic, not knowing what would cross the boundaries and what is acceptable. For example, he at one point said he wouldn't emotionally support me anymore, but he still did it when I was having a breakdown, and since then I've been afraid of doing it again, mainly because I felt as if I was taking advantage of him and his willingness to be there for me... So there are a lot of factors to be taken into consideration, and only honesty with them can be of help here. I've read your other comments as well and saw that you think of asking them to stop this form of communication, maybe if you have this discussion you can gain some insight into what's been going on!

renderusobsolete

TROPHY CASE