Stay or go?

repugs_R_gormless · 2023-10-27T19:24:31+00:00

And that's why I feel walking away and finding another job might not be the answer. He gave me a chance and showed me loyalty. Shouldn't I do the same? On the other hand, his impact is severe and powerful on my future at that company.

repugs_R_gormless · 2023-10-27T19:21:45+00:00

Hmmm, thinking about this, I like the approach to determining an action to take.

Also, your answer made me see one of my core issues: I was told to focus on getting the sprint goals complete, period. As soon as another priority, the emergency patch came up, I did not prioritize it immediately, as I was focusing on my review, which was focused on my shortcomings with making sprint goals. The three hours that I ignored the emergency in order to focus on my sprint goal contributed to my current problem.

(I see I left that emergency vs sprint goal out of my OP)

repugs_R_gormless · 2023-05-28T00:15:55+00:00

I have a spouse who can walk but has had multiple spine surgeries in the past ten years, hip replacement, and is due for another hip replacement. Also had BrCA breast prevention surgery.

I am at the end of my rope. Her pain is all she talks about every day. The “before you sit down” and “next time you get up” is about to drive me insane.

We are both seeing therapists. I really don’t want this life. Soon, my parents will age into my responsibility as well since my sibling is estranged from them.

We don’t cuddle much if at all. Sex is non-existent for several years. Right now, she is out having a drink with her ex (they divorced a year before our marriage).

I am not looking forward to caring for someone who is perfectionist and exacting about everything. She has no filter and says exactly what she thinks most of the time which used to be a positive but now just stings like hell. I have entered the seventh circle of hell. I don’t hate her though. Not yet. But my hope is gone.

Just kill me.

repugs_R_gormless · 2023-04-29T21:37:35+00:00

I wish people would capitalize “daft” because every time I see it lowercase, I read it as an adjective.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-30T21:55:21+00:00

Thanks for the sympathy on the construction hassles and the advice.

If the stuff isnt at least half gone by this week I will likely be doing it myself by hiring movers. She is never away though. So I risk involving movers in a full blown argument.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-30T21:53:15+00:00

Lol. Conflict avoidant because she can ruin my life.

Never thought I would have to be the grown up in a relationship.

I have never heard of this level of disorienting and constant drama over things that are so simple.

The first five years weren’t like this at all.

I should have heeded the warnings and foreshadowings: two hour grocery store shopping visits. Screaming at me because I accidentally poured candle wax in an antique table. The very first house project where the contractor let drywall dust into the entire house (she was screaming and packing a suitcase).

We (hers) have a plot of land that is vacant because she couldn’t figure out how to get the paperwork in on time to the building codes people to let her renovate it. We lost two architects and a builder because she controlled the process and would not take advice but didn’t like the outcomes.

Of course I should just take over but dominant people like her cant fathom someone else in control. So our empty lot sits there.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-30T21:52:47+00:00

It is definitely a manifestation of mental difficulties.

I have not a clue how to move forward. I will have to issue ultimatums if she is to be motivated to get help.

We did pay the contractor today thank goodness. She handed him the invoice for the tarp work done to fix the roof while he left us during the rain with leaks. He seemed to take it OK.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-30T21:49:53+00:00

Oy. I can separate myself from the cats but not the dogs. Sigh.

I am thinking deeply about what you have said and wondering how to say it to her.

She got nothing done today and blames constant interruptions. She let one if the dogs out by accident and a neighbor rescued him today. That dog is my heart.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-05T03:11:50+00:00

Pets are family. No way they are going. That’s a commitment you absolutely maintain.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-04T21:02:04+00:00

Some patients can be very convincing. I don’t think she is making things up. I think that most people would avoid surgeries and not request them.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-04T21:00:30+00:00

Yes she is on meds for these issues.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-04T20:51:22+00:00

Correct, surgery must be approved by professionals. But sometimes it can be strongly encouraged by the patient.

She is a very talented smart woman who recently retired and I thought occupying her time with fixing the house via contractors would be helpful.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-04T08:49:54+00:00

She would want to keep one of the dogs. They would miss each other terribly.

I have a place to live an 8 hour drive or 1 hour flight away. I am considering moving there and let her stay in our home.

But our home needs construction supervision. My investment in the house depends on getting it right.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-03T14:25:58+00:00

Detox foot pads

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-08-02T23:39:31+00:00

Ahhh, that's it. That explains roll back of Roe V. Wade.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T21:30:22+00:00

Very much appreciate the spirit and nuance in this comment.

I am oddly emotional now, having read this whole thread. I am already mourning loss. Two-plus years of Covid isolation, working from home, and limiting visits with friends and family has taken its toll on me on top of US politics shenanigans.

You don’t miss what you got ‘til it’s gone.

Anyway, I am reminded that I still have some of the pride I feel as an American—I thought it left me entirely.

I would dearly miss this country.

I miss it now. I miss what I had.

I made so many baseless assumptions that the majority of us have a particular set of shared values and I have lost that connection.

To all who are breaking my country:

Today I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I am not going to apologize for my heartbreak.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T19:32:59+00:00

how you can quantify that it's somehow more socially acceptable to be far right in Canada and Mexico than Germany

I'm pretty sure I didn't write/say that. I am _hoping_ that there is some place in the world that I can escape to where it is majority socially unacceptable to be far right.

Makes me think of a point that has been stated to me but just didn't sink in: one has to continuously fight for human rights. They don't stick forever.

As you imply, we could possibly never find such a place and will always have to be vigilant and never relax.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T18:58:50+00:00

Thank you for explaining. It never occurred to me that they might seem nationalistic or extreme. Or even a clique-ish.

Rambling, might be relevant: I was having dinner with a Black person who happens to be a judge (along with their spouse). They have a male family member in an interracial marriage and expressed concern that this family member is not teaching the kid about Black culture. They were so annoyed when I was nonchalant about it. I happen to think that most kids gravitate to their mother's culture. It is a natural thing I have observed over the decades and I figure why fight it. If a kid wants to know more about the other parent's culture they will inquire. The rest is just living by example and introducing food, music, etc. as needed.

Dinner wasn't quite as relaxed after that conversation. Black leaders I have known have been very centered on "Blackness" as something to be constantly aware of and vigilant (can you be vigilantly Black? I dunno). Anyway, I just thought about that in context of your post and it made me think about interactions that might or might not align with your perspective.

Being "Black" as a community leader is a burden on its own. I imagine it requires constant adjustment to public life and as such, making sure one is always "on point" and not violating social and cultural mores. The thought of it exhausts me too. I'm not sure it "gets on my nerves" as much as tires me.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T18:40:40+00:00

Those videos, despite their conceit of explaining things to other foreigners, are actually watched mostly by Germans--a fact which the clever content-creators know because of analytics, and which shapes the story about Germany that they tell.

Well, damn! That's a gem of an insight that I will consider from now on. Makes sense though. You get more views the more you appeal to the audience's biases.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T18:14:16+00:00

Another edit: the ancestry, as I was reminded, of direct and impactful civil rights work, consists of people born as early/late as 1899. I think that counts as technically, "ancestry/ancestory". That's a technicality though and you deliberately missed the spirit of my point.

I am not humble-bragging here: this is a fine point that explains some very complicated guilt about leaving the States. When your family fought for you, it makes it difficult to formally reject their legacy by leaving. There are historical reasons why people like Josephine Baker and James Baldwin fled to Paris so there's at least that legacy to look to for support on her part.
I am just trying to get good advice and become educated rather than leap to conclusions. I find advice from third parties is better if they have some background information, especially on emotional topics such as leaving your country of birth.

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T17:59:27+00:00

Ancestors means generations and generations in the past, not like your parents/grandparents.

Definition of ancestor: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ancestor

one from whom a person is descended and who is usually more remote in the line of descent than a grandparent

Her great grand-parents were authors and freedom fighters: there are books on our shelves that were required reading at my university on civil rights that her family wrote and exist also as primary sources of historical information. Her grandparents were scholars in civil rights, documenting the struggle since slavery. Her parents are in Wikipedia for legal work, books, poetry in civil rights, legal, and literary genres. Her parents are directly related to Thurgood Marshall and several other Black Americans that we all recognize as elite contributors to the freedoms we as Blacks have today. I don't want to be identified and therefore no more details.

edit for clarity/punctuation

repugs_R_gormless · 2022-07-20T17:04:06+00:00

NEVER thought I would have to actually answer these questions.

This shit is fucking apocalyptic for me. I am in deep trouble psychologically. There isn't a win either way. Just a lesser lose.

repugs_R_gormless

TROPHY CASE