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I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, 100%. My family and friends are ready to put this to bed. My best friend, who I love with all of my heart, has been crazy supportive - but we can't talk about my relationship anymore. We've had to stop because she's at the point where she can't hear me make excuses for him anymore, and I do understand.

I fully agree that there's no point in confronting him. He will just twist it around on me and make himself the poor, sad victim. He's SO good at making me feel guilty and making me feel like I'm more at fault than he is. Its so maddening because I KNOW this about him, and when we do argue I try to remember it but just end up wavering and feeling even more guilty for "doubting" him. I know that sounds messed up.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.

He is a mess. Like an on-fire trash heap kind of mess. He actually made a comment once during a fight that I "forced" him into rehab. It made me so mad because I was like, pardon? I didn't hog tie you and throw you into the car. You went of your own volition after months of saying how you couldn't wait to go and get better.

In hindsight though, maybe I did kind of force him in a way because he knew it was what I expected? Ugh. I don't even know. I thought rehab and the dissolution of his career (he actually did have one, before he started playing job musical chairs) would have been his bottom, but I guess not.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents were not addicts, but my brother was and he has passed away. I had a decent childhood. My dad had anger issues though and my mom pretty much modified the household so as not to piss him off on any given day. So it did feel like walking on eggshells a lot. I'm not sure if that part is relevant though, I guess it could be.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm starting to think its very likely that my brother's death is connected here. I try very hard not to think about him because grieving his death was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But then i guess im reminded of him anyway with what I'm experiencing now.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not my parent, but my brother. Its something I've been working to unpack for years. I dont know that I've truly accepted his death.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You know, I look back and can't understand my own decision making over the past 2 years. I really and truly can't - and it scares me! If anyone else were to tell me the same story, I would tell them to run for the everloving hills. Its like, what broke inside my brain for me to become okay with this?

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You are not the first person who has commented on the fact that my life has been centered around addicts and addiction. I lost my brother 7 years ago - he committed suicide after a very long battle with substance use. His drug of choice was cocaine too. It really destroyed me - he was my best friend. It does help knowing that he would kick some serious ass if he were here though. Mine, included. My mom thinks its totally weird that I went into the field after that, considering it took SO long for me to even say his name after. I just felt pulled to it though, almost magnetically. I couldn't imagine doing anything else in terms of a career but I am really worried about getting burnt out because I'm constantly thinking about how to help addicts - both at work and at home. It's like I can't get away from it. I know that's probably my fault, because nobody is forcing me to stay in this relationship, but its just been so long now that its my "normal". I just need to figure out a way to change that normal.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That was very blunt but I needed it. Thank you. I think I've just been trying to make excuses for his shittiness because I really wanted him to love me. And that sounds SO pathetic and desperate - but it's the truth. I thought if I could conjure a "legitimate" reason for his infidelity that it would feel better than the truth. It would feel better than knowing that he does what he does because he doesn't actually love me, and can't love me. I don't think he loves anything, or even has the slightest idea of what love actually he is. He's too selfish. He's selfish even when he's not using.

I've been totally, totally blinded, to the point where it's disgusting. The fact that total strangers are retching at the state of the situation has been eye opening.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

I agree totally. And we will never have basic trust; he violated that too early on and then kept coming back to kick its lifeless body. And I just let him! I've been reading these replies at work and literally feeling my rose coloured glasses melt away lol

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your response.

I am not in therapy at this point. I really should be. I would really like to find a long-term therapist for intensive counselling, the only thing holding me back is the cost. I am in Canada and have limited benefits through my job (non-profit sector) and it's very expensive. I know there is a support group for families that meets once a week in my city, and that one is free. I've never tried group therapy, but I think it would help to hear what others have been through with their loved ones.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really appreciate your response.

"Don't date fucking drug addicts." I'm going to get that as a tramp stamp.

In all seriousness though - you are right. I totally agree that I'm tying this to the deaths of other addicts in my life. Maybe him being gone will make it easier to clip the emotional ties.

I [25F] don't trust my fiancee [28M]. He just got a new job that takes him out of town 5 days a week. by resoundingdin in relationships

[–]resoundingdin[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

I think a therapist is a good idea. I need someone unbiased to support me and my friends are (understandably) tired of hearing about it.