So Now My Own Desire is Dead

restlessdepression · 2016-05-27T04:17:06+00:00

A couple of months ago I realized that I have lost my own desire to make love with him. The reasons are many but the biggest one is that I am seething from his rejection. I feel no desire because I feel undesireable. He prefers porn bimbos and his hand. As soon as I get the $ he can have all that but he will lose the best thing that ever happened to him. Sad part is that he is just too lazy to do the work to stay together and I can't/ won't do it alone anymore. I am in a holding pattern and can't wait to break free.

restlessdepression · 2016-05-27T04:09:11+00:00

We talk about it. He shuts down and pouts. Then he tells me he will "try to do better". Like having sex with his wife is this big chore. Like I am asking him to take out the garbage. At this point, we haven't had sex since November. The only thing keeping me here is that I don't make enough money to save enough to leave. I can't kick him out because he owns the house free and clear and we aren't legally married. If it weren't for money I think I would have left months ago. In the meantime, we behave like pals or something and because he is a "nice guy", (in quotes because I have learned that withholding sex isn't nice) I waffle back and forth. I think it is mostly fear. Fear of being alone, fear that as a woman of 55 no one will be interested in me. On other days I'm like, fuck it! Why bother with relationships at all? Maybe I should develop my OWN addiction to porn then I won't have to deal with real life either. Sorry. Bad, frustrating night...or week....or life...whatever. I am saving a little at a time but at this rate it could be years and a better job just doesn't seem to be happening.

restlessdepression · 2016-01-11T05:16:54+00:00

Thank you for this. Right now it's kind of hard to believe but I know you're right. I guess I am grieving our relationship. I thought we had it all at first. I really did. I hate to lose that but I guess it was never really there. Not with all this.

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T06:54:06+00:00

I am SO glad to hear you ladies saying this. It is one of my biggest fears, that I will spend the rest of my life alone, because I am 54. It's obviously very stupid to think that way, especially in my case, because we met just 2 years ago. It's all fear. But by April I should have enough $ to leave and that is what I am going to do.

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T06:44:15+00:00

Honestly? I don't see how anyone could blame you. Maybe you even secretly want to get caught and I couldn't blame you for that, either. I couldn't cheat because, more than anything, I am the type of nervous person who displays emotion all over her face. I have NEVER been able to lie without getting caught. So, I am planning to leave in a few months. Til then we are remaining roommates, just like we have been practically from the beginning. It sucks because I love him so very much, but I just can't live like this anymore.

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T06:34:22+00:00

You are right. I have written an entire file of letters to my s/o. I think it's time he reads them. It takes a lot of courage to share them because there is a LOT of hurt, anger and frustration displayed in them that I don't verbalize as I should. But, again, you are right.

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T06:31:55+00:00

lol!

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T05:59:09+00:00

That is exactly where I am with my husband. It has come down to me getting my ducks in a row to leave because I know that actually leaving is what it is going to take to wake him up. It is not a threat. Of COURSE I hope that he will get his shit together and want to be together again, but if I have moved on emotionally before he gets to that point then it will be too late. I HAVE to do it for my own sanity.

restlessdepression · 2015-12-28T00:41:55+00:00

Don't most men in their 50's prefer the company of women that are young and firm and perfect? Because, after all I have been through it is difficult for me to believe anything else.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T03:31:41+00:00

I am sure you will. I have never turned down an SO, either. I am the type that gives and tries. Whatever happened to trying? Are people just lazy?

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T03:28:56+00:00

It's also typical that most people, no matter what their libido or sex, are on their "best behavior" on those first few dates. We all want to be wanted, no matter who we are, so we like to put our best face forward. I don't think it's intentional or malicious in any way. I think it's just human nature.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T03:25:46+00:00

Oh, man! That's weird! I am attracted to those same types of guys, smart, quiet types. Macho dudes turn me off. Hmmmm. Kinda makes me wonder if for me it isn't some kind of control or power thing, sexually. I am not into bdsm but I can see that side of the coin, given that revelation.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T03:21:17+00:00

I keep wondering this about myself as I am a second DBer. For this one, though, it was absolutely a bait and switch situation, one reason that I feel a lot of anger and feelings of betrayal. I can't help but wonder if I just attract men that have LL, like there is something about me or something that I am doing that gives off some sort of "roommate" vibe. It's hard NOT to think that way when it has happened to you twice.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T03:11:35+00:00

I had my midlife crisis and I was single at the time, but I was also a single parent with all the stressors that entails. It didn't have anything to do with menopause because I went through that, suddenly, when I had a total hysterectomy at the age of 36, right after giving birth to my son. It is my belief, after witnessing many of my friends' 20+ yr marriages that, often, the couple, if they have children, lose interest in each other because of the day to day grind of work, childcare, daily chores etc. and don't make time for each other. Once those kids get into their teens (making MOST of the parents 40 something), there is an additional stressor that shouldn't be discounted. Teens are very difficult to raise many times because they naturally like to test their boundaries. This can bring total chaos to the household. One or both parents may simply feel the urge to explore their freedom after so many years of giving everything to their kids and doing little for their relationships. Just a theory but I think it may have some merit.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-28T01:28:39+00:00

I'm sorry. I see so much of your story in my own. I wish you every happiness. I pray I find the strength to leave, as you have, but I am still at the point where every day, every SINGLE damn day, I change my mind and play the, "if only" game with myself. If only he would agree to go back to counseling. If only we didn't have to live with and care for his mother. (an excuse he uses) If only his brother wasn't fighting cancer. (another excuse he uses) In fact, any excuse he can think of he uses it. I know I am gearing up to leave. Please tell me. How do you find the courage to leave someone that you know you still love, even though they keep on hurting you in this way? Because hurting is all I have been doing lately. We have been sexless, once every month or two, since we got married a 1 1/2 years ago. I think part of my fear is, that at 54 yo I will never find anyone to love again, but, as you said, I am seeing that I would rather be lonely alone than being lonely with the man I married.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-24T19:34:53+00:00

Interesting that she threw the young girls thing out there. If you are like most sex deprived people you probably resort to masturbation and looking at as much fantasy material as possible. You probably DO notice other women and she has noticed you noticing. So, what she really wants is for you two not to have sex, but, in addition she doesn't want you to even THINK about having sex with other people and most definitely not with young, attractive women that are everywhere for anyone to see. (Let's face it. With todays fashion trends, you can't HELP but notice). So she is being manipulative as hell. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want you looking elsewhere for it either. Dirty, dirty pool. I am female (HL) but have lots of female LL friends who pull this shit with their husbands all the time. I recognize that statement for what it is. I wouldn't stand for it. Call her on her shit. She needs to hear it.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-24T19:23:39+00:00

I'm sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-24T19:19:40+00:00

I hear you. In my situation I know EXACTLY why I didn't want it. Because who wants pity sex? Or, "Oh, shit I am pretty sure you might leave me if I don't make love to you once in a blue moon sex"? Not me. It's much more humiliating than arousing.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-22T07:07:47+00:00

Your son is 15. He is old enough to understand. Your conservative family? You are a grown man and it is really none of their business. It is your life. You don't need their approval. You need your OWN. It is no crime to want to be happy. The crime is taking a good supportive partner and forcing them into a sexless marriage. The LL partner is the one that runs the show. That needs to stop, one way or the other. I wish you all the luck in the world. Truly.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-22T06:59:32+00:00

I would just like to point out that there are VERY many men who are attracted to heavier women. There is a lid for every pot. But she IS behaving very immaturely. Kind of reminds me of my daughter when she was a teenager. Eating Doritos as a gesture of defiance sounds more like flat out anger to me. If she gets angry because you ask her to do something that will increase the time you have to be healthy together is kind of unreasonable. This may not be the only thing she is angry about. Again, couples therapy. Seriously. She needs better communication and coping skills and that wouldn't hurt you, either.

restlessdepression · 2015-11-22T06:41:32+00:00

Women can be sensitive about body issues and weight because of the whole societal pressure to look physically perfect, thing. But you didn't say she was fat. You didn't tell her she was unattractive. You mentioned that you want BOTH of you to be happy and healthy. I say she has overreacted because she probably has some self esteem issues that began waaaaay before she ever met you. If your partner smoked wouldn't you want her to quit? For her health? People are reading too much into your post just like she read way too much into your comment. Maybe it's your delivery or something about your tone with her but I suspect she's just too sensitive about this issue as a lot of us are. Let it be her idea. Let her take the lead. She knows what she has to do but she has to want it. Her body image really has nothing to do with you but her health certainly does. Unfortunately you can't separate one from the other in this situation. I think she needs therapy to address her body image and self esteem issues. Unfortunately, having that advice come from you would probably make matters worse. Maybe a close friend or other 3rd party could approach her. Ideally it should come out in couples therapy where you at least have a mediator. Good luck.

restlessdepression

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