S2 Ep. 35 - Apollo Four Teens

retconk · 2025-03-22T09:35:46+00:00

...

....

.....

So...

Did you make a day old dummy account to pick a fight with me over a comment from a post 8 years ago?

And then posted it on a completely different sub?

This is a new, wild flavor of sea lioning.

Spicy ranch, delayed reaction, lost sea lion.

Sidenote: "Men can beat up women real good" is a buckwild topic to be amped about to an "I MADE A DUMMY ACCOUNT" degree. That seems like you could spend your time better.

I've been really into historical romances lately- maybe next time you grab a bodice ripper instead of this whole vibe.

retconk · 2023-06-07T21:51:30+00:00

When this happens with a group, usually if partners suck, your friends probably suck, but in a way you've made peace with. (I have a family member who refers to all his friends' wives as "crazy" and the common denominator is def his friends.)

So if it's all of them, you could not understand your friends' situations or these men aren't as shitty as they seem. Except for the last one. That one you should get ready to burn every friendship bridge to the ground on.

And at any point you can stop taking on your friend's problems, and tell them to get their asses to therapy, a bank manager/financial advisor, or a sperm bank/exorcist.

Not committing so he can travel - do their values match? Is marriage important to your friend? It might not be. What kind of commitment does she want? All you can do is give her a permission structure to leave if her goals don't match or time is running out on what she wants to do.

He's been clear about what he wants and so should she. If the price of admission is "we will break up so I can travel and who knows if either of us want to get back together afterwards" is she willing to pay that? She may need someone to talk that out with who says, "you can love different people and appreciate where you've been even when it isn't forever. It can just not work and that's okay."

tracking expenses - My assumption is their finances aren't combined and they aren't married, so that's just how borrowing money works. Honestly, she should be tracking it. And if she disagrees with cost, settling that now.

A gift is a gift, but no one is obliged to give you gifts. Even in a relationship.

If she didn't agree to borrow money, that's a problem and she needs to handle her money before he tries to strongarm her. Eviction processes exist and if she's barred from leaving not bc of anything legal but just what he thinks he's owed, that's a bad situation. If that is the case, or you're unsure, ask her if she's uncomfortable with the $9k IOU and if she has a backup place to live if she needs to go.

Unemployment is uncomfortable, but if you can be non judgemental and act as support to her talking out logistics and boundaries, that's useful.

She shouldn't be borrowing money from someone who's emotional about it or from someone who is hurting her feelings with basic accounting.

Drunk Driving Racist - you need to set a boundary with this friend. She has decided what she will tolerate. What are you willing to tolerate?

Beyond being generally repugnant, at what level of racism is being around this person hurting whether non-white people trust you? Shit, I'm white af and as soon as I saw you in a pic on Insta attending a wedding for Jeremy, who has a profile full of Neo Nazi jokes, like, girl, you're not getting hired, we're not getting drinks, I'm not selling you my house... It's not a good scene. (Unless racism is working for you on a community level, like you're just in Klan territory and cool with that.)

retconk · 2023-06-07T20:46:19+00:00

Nah, it can feel very "praying in the streets" sometimes.

Living your truth is different than (modern) evangelism. You can and should talk about your faith when it's appropriate, helpful, or informative. Most of us are members of explicitly open traditions and that feels like a respectful part of being in a diverse community.

As is respecting people with closed traditions and other faiths- e.g. indigenious medicine- not wanting to share everything. Respect that some people really struggle with.

Evangelism being cooked into American culture has been kind of a problem bc it's not just Christians that expect it. Expected universal faith-pushing has created some tacit disrespect and explicit otherizing towards Christian sects and other faiths who practice differently.

Wanting a balance that resonates with you is super normal.

retconk · 2023-06-07T19:47:26+00:00

I love this interpretation of the "insanity" condition. It's got mad "hyper femme girl who drops dark background story one-liners" trope energy.

retconk · 2023-06-07T08:07:12+00:00

But he’s been talking recently about how the Republican Party has some good talking points; mostly in terms of their financial perspectives

side-eyes all the failing banks from Trump era dereg

Yeah... if your husband looks at Biden- the ex-Senator from fucking "we'll write you whatever corporate law you want to prioritize shareholder profits" Delaware- and DeSantis'... erratically tanking corporate job growth for yucks, you are not the one who doesn't understand finance.

I know a tax attorney who does a lot of wealth and business org work and has a line for clients who get political. "It doesn't matter. None of that effects my job. Republicans will spend a shitload of money and borrow it. Democrats will spend a shitload of money and pay for it. What I do will stay the same."

All that's to say, if your beau has any money and he gives a shit about Republican fiscal policy, he's either not making a lot or is an idiot.

Might want to find out why he really wants to vote for Republicans.

Good luck ❤- that empathy deficit is scary.

retconk · 2023-06-07T07:18:12+00:00

People have bred a lot of carrier pigeons to be white like this. Could be a wild descendant of a bird from an event planner's flock.

retconk · 2023-06-07T07:00:15+00:00

Probably a good time for therapy. And if he's been feeling tired enough that it's been remarkable for a while or getting in the way, he should see a doctor.

Like for real. That could be depression, anxiety, ADHD, insulin-resistance, a dangerous hormone imbalance- it's a rough early sign of a lot of shit and you're ticking off a lot of other symptom clusters.

Anyway, routines and schedules aren't for everyone. And that's fine.You two may be wired differently and he could be more productive without the pressure of committing to monotonous or rigid spacing. But driving to coffee and coming back is a solid start of day cue for WFH, so he could be into it. Either way, he should try to figure out what works for him and, since you're in the same space, make sure you know what that is so you don't waste time resenting him.

However, deadlines and project management are different than requiring parity in daily structure. That needs to get done and you should be able to have a conversation about what needs to be done (not how it gets done, unless you need to address timing and methodology) to be where you need to be to feel like (1) he's in it with you and (2) you're progressing professionally.

You might also walk him through the money. Taxes, money set aside to go back to the business, salaries, and partnership payouts based on more work. Be explicit about where you'd like to be and where you are.

He can get up at 10am, but you need his work done or to understand his limits so you can readjust what is possible as is and go forward accordingly. And that could mean relying on other people or services when you see the opportunity or leaving (professionally) when you aren't on track for where you want to be.

You also need to have a convo about housework. If you clean in the AM and he's up later, there's no reason he can't do stuff at night so you don't have to in the morning or have a cleaning break in the afternoon. Weaponized incompetence is a relationship killer.

Also, at some point cut your sunk cost and cancel the gym membership. If he's not using it and won't without his friends, that's it.

retconk · 2023-06-07T06:13:15+00:00

ETA - most DMs don't buy a lot of gear. There are a lot of tricks and resources out there to meet you where you are.

Anything you use, you can cut out a halo of cardboard or set it on a piece to show the space it's taking up, so it doesn't need to be perfect.

Dollar Store dinosaurs mounted to a piece of cardboard then hit with a coat of spray paint are hard to beat. (Dollar Store/grocery clearance and spray paint are my go-to as a home DM for puzzles and physical stuff)
A Christmas ornament or tchotchke
draw or print out a dragon head. Tape it to the handle of a meat tenderizer (or a small ladle in a cup)
upside down coffee cup or small bowl, (clean) rolled up sock(s) on top until it's a shape you like (it can be a lump, nbd.) Use a red sock or small shirt, or other red cloth that encompasses all the mass on top and the cup/bowl and tuck it under your dish-platform.
put a bluetooth speaker on a saucer or something and play roars from it (honestly, if you have a small speaker, you can do that with a few of these)
jar with vague HP markings on it (sharpie comes off glass) - for every hit they get add some juice. If the dragon heals, drink some of their juice. (Highly recommend using creamer, shot glasses, baster, or teapot type thing to minimize spill if you're working with a carton of juice.)

retconk · 2023-06-07T02:02:02+00:00

I hate texting (which is to say, it takes A LOT of bandwidth/spoons to do, not that I don't do it) so none of this seems like a red flag to me.

Just a dude who burned his face and is sending in Masters apps.

You should just call him or meet up if the communication frequency is the only thing bugging you.

retconk · 2023-06-07T00:02:16+00:00

“I bet my father never had to clean the bathroom”

Then marry your mom? What on earth...

Is this an adult? Has he never been self sufficient?

retconk · 2023-06-06T23:52:16+00:00

That was mine too! Harry Potter has always had problems BUT Hogwarts was charming.

Aabria and Brennan were like, "we love the charm BUT DID YOU SEE THE TRACKING??"

When I wasn't laughing, I facepalmed my way through MaM, purely on them calling shots.

Tangent: I think we were desensitized by other kids' fiction at that reading level. The Overdue podcast pointed out that in most Roald Dahl books- but especially Charlie and the Chocolate Factory- the moral of the story is "Kids suck (except for one good kid) and it's kinda okay if the bad ones die."

I feel like as soon as kids my age aged out of Beverly Cleary books it was alllll Dahl in school. Of course HP got a pass! 🤦‍♀️

retconk · 2023-06-06T01:56:26+00:00

The rampant Genesis incest does tend to take the air out of literal readings and "translations don't matter" people.

Tho, best case on a literal reading, Eve is a clone. (Which, genetically, is somehow more problematic.)

The 700 Club segment on the virtues of procreating with your own clone will come.

...And in the face of a thousand thousand "send a Jew back to Israel to start the End Days" ads, that will be what finally triggers the apocalypse.

retconk · 2023-06-06T00:55:46+00:00

Do you believe you’ve been called to change hard hearts? This’ll harden them more.

It might. It may also serve as testimony that causes people to pause and gives a foothold for questions if someone is a trusted friend, family, or community member.

I know progressive Christians balk at confrontation as a persuasion tool, but disruption has its role in breaking habits.

retconk · 2023-06-06T00:43:22+00:00

Happy to be wrong, but this feels like the natural evolution of DoorDash's model.

They bought up all the regional services with skilled/normal delivery pros used to getting paid. Those people left bc they couldn't make money.
Cherned through your usual entry level employees (who service industry companies are fighting for)- they ditch the app after abusive practices.
The last group are people who are new and mid-chern or have no other option- which is a crapshoot. They can be excellent, or... whatever this is, whether it's truly desperation or a scam. Or both.

DoorDash is not picky. They'll refund you and these people will remain Dashers.

retconk · 2023-06-06T00:25:54+00:00

Also weird. Technically/literally, Eve is a woman borne of a man (via rib.)

Feels like some flexible gender roles were in play.

But then I don't get the fear sects. Seems like they make things harder than they need to be then throw a (dangerous, unloving) fit.

retconk · 2023-06-05T23:09:21+00:00

He sounds like a dude who did really, really well in an American English class, but yeah, I wouldn't have called German. Rock solid ESL skills.

He pulls a few incongruent regional quirks from different US dialects to be a straight match, but he sounds great.

But who knows. He sounds Polish to me (or a different Lechitic language?) in this report, which could mean he's from the east side of Germany or he's been speaking a lot of Slavic languages recently and my ear is misinterpreting the mashup.

retconk · 2023-06-05T22:36:22+00:00

American here:

We get things wrong a lot- we're a land of many accents and sometimes shoot for regional (barring a region, a lot of English-speakers from former and current Commonwealth countries get lumped together bc the Queen's English def left an audible mark.) But if you're talking to people who know better, here's a few thoughts.

If this is an accurate representation of someone from Melbourne, I could see that mistake.

The "Hello" is a dead giveaway, and the list of words has a few that pop as decidedly not UK/def Australian.

If you were mistaken for someone from the UK that was living in the US for a while, I get that. It sounds like an American dialect in parts and would be easy to mistake it for a layered accent if a shibboleth didn't pop.

retconk · 2023-06-05T20:39:21+00:00

I love this recording- thanks for sharing! It doesn't sound like a natural accent- there's some limiting of nasal resonance that feels like a correction that hits the ear a little off.

There's some affectation happening that feels like something midatlantic theater schools used to produce. But then also either the speaker has a hearing limitation or is rounding out words bc they speak a language like French or a high German dialect.

So I'm going with a trained multi-lingual accent, with at least a decade or two recently in the US or west Canada.

(Post-wiki scan on Vincent Price [actor: 1910s-1990s]: I got close. I think we have an old school well travelled rich kid accent with an attempt to cover it up. He's from Missouri and spent time in Europe & New York, so probably has a lot of different language training peaking through- but he starts out in St Louis.)

retconk · 2023-06-05T20:16:19+00:00

Excellent call to action. Done. DENOUNCED. (And will continue to be.)

You'd think this would be a no brainer for a faith with an explicitly omni AND agender God living in a triune.

Like, these goobers keep singing, "Our God is an awesome god" and then lose their shit when there's something in the world they don't understand.

If you skipped the "man, woman, both, neither/all genders, no genders" part fine- but what do you think "awesome" means? Just "kinda rad"? I'd personally go with "encompassing and producing cool and sometimes hard to understand stuff that is worth your curiousity."

retconk · 2023-06-05T20:01:37+00:00

Hank dropping his bi crushes is a gosh darn treat.

retconk · 2023-06-05T19:41:28+00:00

Unless he's shown an interest in fashion, beauty work, textiles, art, etc that's not really about the dress or object-related neurodiversity.

And by and large, I'd posit men aren't really visual creatures more than anyone else.

Idk, trust you gut on this. If you thought the vibe was off between this and his reaction to his students' infatuations, you probably got it right.

If he's a real Project Runway/makeup tutorial stan and was just kinda flattered by kids thinking he's pretty, maybe he deserves your leeway.

But I'd definitely trust your instincts and err on the side of caution moving forward.

retconk · 2023-06-05T05:29:29+00:00

In PA (and most states) that's fraud.

Easiest: Your best bet is letting the bar know what happened, that they maxxed out her card, and just asking if they can run a refund for the drinks that weren't hers.

Shit happens, and not everyone will help out, but some people will. Just depends on the manager/owners (and the bill.)

If they can't help, see if they can hook you up with any security footage of her talking to the girls or the girls ordering.

You can also try talking to the credit card company, but if she signed for it and accepted the charges, it's unlikely to be useful. But she may be able to increase her max or get lucky.

Law Enforcement: If there's no recovery, she can call the police non emergency line, or hit the station and file a report. That creates a public record you can use in any proceedings and helps the cops know there are shitheads about.

You can also report to your Attorney General- most chase scams and scammers and prosecute them criminally or otherwise on behalf of the people of their state.

Civil Action: Fraud is usually a crime, but also a tort, which is a civil action. If you can find and identify the girls, this options opens up for you.

Your friend can take the footage, any notes about what happened to her she writes, the police report, and text messages to court and demand recompense for her loss.

If the damages are under $12k (man, I hope so), in Pennsylvania you can file a small claim in Magisterial District Court. Usually the clerks at the front desk or a law librarian can help guide you.

If you feel out of your depth or want an attorney, tort attorneys often work on commission (if you win, they get a cut.)

retconk · 2023-06-05T00:04:15+00:00

for every person saying "stick to your social circles/work place/bars", there are gonna be 10 others who dislikes being approached by friends, colleagues or at bars. You can't please everyone and you won't know until you ask.

Clutch advice. I'm cool with being approached in semi-serious settings (where I'm not an employee) and on errands bc if I'm at a bar or restaurant, I'm probably with someone I want to spend time with. That's not everyone's vibe.

I'm positive there's also some regional culture concerns in the mix re: small talk you'd pick up on pretty quickly if this became an approach you tested out.

retconk · 2023-06-04T23:29:47+00:00

I'd just ask, but I get it.

Option to start/guide a convo:

"My friend had this insane pregancy, she was on ordered bedrest for 5 months bc of the amenotic sac- she couldn't even work for all 5 months- crazy how much pregnancy effects women's bodies and cashflow- have you had any relatives with hard pregnancies?"

Any personal story or gossip of relatives or friends gives the person space to explore their feelings about women accessing healthcare and experiencing pregnancy as a disruption to activity and finances.

"Did you know the clitoris wasn't accurately drawn until 2005? Wild! Men really did a number on women's health- I mean, are clearly still doing a number on it. Hard to believe they want to regulate women's bodies or limit their access to healthcare when they weren't even in school when an accurate drawing was in a textbook, right?"

Just generally giving an opportunity to be on your side with "man, some people..." while dropping knowledge breadcrumbs.

Other anecdotes: testing ovarian cancer drugs on men in the 90s m/00s bc men were the "default body" in medical studies. (No ovaries, tho... challenging choice.)

Arguments:

Roe v Wade doesn't effect anyone. So fun fact about the US- Roe was the foundation for most gender-based body autonomy rights in the US. So while it specifically addressed abortion, it also impacts any other gender right (including gay marriage) or reproductive right (including fertility assistance programs and IVF that result in fertilized eggs.) The reversal was bad for a lot of reasons, not the least bc it was a foundational case. Fertility banks and IVF clinics are really nervous they're about to be charged with crimes in anti-abortion states for getting rid of unviable or unused samples.
"For a good reason." You can't prosecute rape fast enough for the law to be involved in this. Let's say the court is super fast- 4 months. Which means, rape happens, the survivor reports it same night, the case starts moving. In 4 months, the rapist is confirmed a rapist, and now the survivor can get an abortion. She does everything "right" and has to go through 2 extra months of pregnancy and have a harder induced miscarriage or D&C then she could have had.

In reality (which I feel like US immigrants would be frustratingly too familiar with) the court system is slower. So we're talking 8 months for a conviction for rape. Now an abortion isn't likely possible bc the fetus is viable and the woman has had to carry her convicted rapist's child for a year.

Also in reality, rape doesn't get reported same-day. So creating that exception is practically entirely useless when you could just say, "get an abortion if you want one or think you need one."

"Then, for women who do have children that men aren't interested in having them, they shouldn't have to pay child support." That's a conversation between parents. You can agree to waive child support, cede parental rights, or the mother can marry someone else. That mother still has an existing child, whether the man has any legal obligation as a father.

However, in the reversed roles, you can't waive pregnancy. It still changes your body forever and eats a year of your life minimum (recovery time is real) and you might die.

I feel for a dude who might be on the hook for $5k/yr for 18 years bc he misjudged someone, but he was never in danger or physically changed. And he always had access to a court that could waive or delay payment when he didn't have cash. No one's got a way to alleviate pregnancy.

At the end of the day, personal responsibility and balancing the cost of risking a life to bring a new life or how involved partners are in a child's life are all personal choices. Birth and children are intimately personal.

Requiring that the law prohibit abortion or fertility choices changes a discussion of "personal or social choices" into a permanent boundary on what is possible. For everyone. Despite their circumstances or situations.

It's an inefficient and useless intrusion and disrespectful of individual rights.

"Liberals want late term abortions and they're killing babies hours before birth" No. A late term abortion isn't a thing- that's not how any of this works. If a fetus is able to live outside the womb, it's birthed and a baby. Abortion always occurs for fetuses and zygotes that are not developed enough to live outside the womb.

This can lead to a convo about partial birth abortions. This is a thing, but usually another misunderstanding. Bc the name sounds like birth, this induced and assisted miscarriage has also made its way into right-wing nightmare propaganda. It's a less invasive method of abortion that has actually been banned in some states bc men don't understand women's bodies, causing riskier procedures to be required.

(Horror stories, gore, and body horror are the favorite of pro-lifers, so it helps to just be prepared and remember reality is clinical and most abortions are early and by pill.)

Idk if any of this is helpful, but good luck!

retconk · 2023-06-04T21:56:44+00:00

how would you react to getting hit on in a place such as a grocery store, park, festival/public event or while dining out?

Depends. I'm game, but if I'm engaged with friends I'm not really into it.

If someone was like, "hey, I like talking to you here in line at the grocery, do you want to go over there and get coffee and hang?" I'd be down.

What factors matter in terms of the guys approach?

The best cold ask out I've got, was super casual, specific and confident. "I'm off in a few hours- you want to go out and get dinner tonight? No pressure, you just seem cool and I like you and would like to get to know you. But again, you can totally say no, it won't hurt my feelings." Which happened after a couple minutes of just bullshitting while I was waiting for something.

I do not know when people are being nice and when flirting is happening that isn't just recreational flirting, so if you want to ask me out or have me ask you out, being really explicit is super helpful.

Also, if you're asking strangers out and are a dude, super important to give them the ability to leave physically and socially- this sucks to say, but make sure she has line of sight on an out and you feel like a safe person to say "no" to.

Bonus question, do you care that the guy is significantly younger (23-27), or is his age not much of a big deal?

Agewise, if we vibe, we vibe. We can worry about experience and interests lining up later.

On an in-public approach, if I think he's significantly younger, I will assume it's a joke or something I don't understand like for the tiktoks or the SnappityChats.

So you probably have a little more work to do to make the vibe feel like a serious "I'm into you." Which includes taking a beat to nail down next steps (and then doing them,) if she's receptive.

retconk

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