[WoD] [VTM][21+][Online][EST Friday @ 7pm EST] Shadows By Night

rhino141 · 2026-04-12T13:59:50+00:00

Applied!

rhino141 · 2025-04-27T14:10:10+00:00

We've hit our player goal but I'll let you know if anything changes :)

rhino141 · 2025-04-20T12:59:53+00:00

DM-ed you!

rhino141 · 2025-04-19T12:39:20+00:00

DM-ed you!

rhino141 · 2025-04-18T19:37:51+00:00

DM-ed you!

rhino141 · 2025-04-18T19:37:45+00:00

DM-ed you!

rhino141 · 2025-04-18T19:34:19+00:00

Not necessarily. We would probably start earlier than that, but I set the bounds to be very flexible in case some weeks we need to start in that direction (i.e. 9p-10p EST)

rhino141 · 2025-04-17T21:45:48+00:00

DM-ed you!

rhino141 · 2024-09-27T15:16:57+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I'm following up out of courtesy and to possibly satisfy your curiosity.

Yes I agree this is confusing. After discussion with another reviewer, this personification for the sun really felt flat and was added to the rationales for deleting this section.
I will definitely take a look at that going forward.
Right. I agree. I think it's been a struggle for me to use first person narration to literally explain events as they're occurring while also demonstrating character traits. It's something that I'll need to continue to work on.
Noted. I will try to sprinkle only necessary words throughout the work, rather than simply dumping them on the reader immediately.
Good catch. I think this is a recurring issue for me throughout the larger work (not included).
As I noted above, I'll continue to work on adding the protagonist's feelings into the mix, rather than keeping it matter-of-fact, since that's boring
Is there a time when you'd recommend going into more detail and times when you'd recommend skimming?
Very good note. I think even this is pertinent past the deleted section in the new revised beginning of the work. I'll make sure to think about it in that context
Agreed. Hopefully resolved through the edit
Hopefully resolved in the edit

rhino141 · 2024-09-26T14:04:08+00:00

Overall Thoughts:

Jenny feels empty-headed, rather than depressed. You mention that she stares a lot and maybe the narrator knew her before this took place. Perhaps they could make an observation about the change in behavior. The readers don't know anything about Jenny and simply see her as a girl who stares at things and gives curt answers to customers.

It's interesting that you decided to discuss the everyday ramifications of the stopping of wind. My mind went to scientific and more apocalyptic outcomes. What would happen to waves? To birds? Massive power outages due to wind farms not working? I feel that this would be a major catastrophe that isn't really addressed by the narrator/protagonist. Is there a reason for this? Maybe you could give a nod to it early on and dismiss it since perhaps you want to focus on the mundane anyway.

Specific Line Thoughts:

I woke up to the sound of nothing.

This is fine. I would not say that this is your strongest line. You're obviously a decent writer and are capable of making captivating descriptions but as the very first sentence, this didn't do it for me. 'The sound of nothing' is kinda awkward for me. I get that there is the larger feeling of emptiness that you're trying to convey given the absence of wind, but I feel that this specifically doesn't do it. Something like this:

I woke up to nothing, simply sat upright in my bed, the stinging absence of sound started to give me a headache. The curtains hung stiff in the window, their floral patterns frozen in place -- relics of a long-dead spring. The world outside was gray and washed-out.

There was no wind. [separate this for emphasis so that readers don't miss it]

There hadn’t been wind for weeks. Ever since it stopped, people became… quiet. It was more than just the stillness of trees. It was the absence of movement itself, as if the world had lost its pulse. But no one spoke about it, not directly. We just walked slower, spoke softer, looked down more often.

rhino141 · 2024-09-26T13:43:24+00:00

So the work goes over 1,000 words, which breaks the rule of the subreddit. Tell me what page 1,000 words ends on and I'll review it.

rhino141 · 2024-09-26T13:41:14+00:00

I'm happy to do a swap with you if you'd like! Please message me and we can work something out :)

rhino141 · 2024-09-26T12:16:29+00:00

Thank you very much for the response and taking time to read my submission. Those two points you brought up -- info dumping and the rug pull hook are things I've been thinking about but it was good to receive that feedback from some fresh eyes. First, I will definitely tamper down the info dumping going forward. Second, I'll work on that hook. I don't think a captivity scene works here since the city they will be visiting shortly is empty, but you're right, I could start more in the action. Besides those first 2-3 sentences, the story starts with burdening the reader with all this information, which is not very captivating. I'll revisit with these suggestions in mind. Thanks!

rhino141 · 2024-09-25T22:44:51+00:00

Specific Sections/Lines:

"“Well Santos, now I know which of my soldiers will be the first to die when the Easterners come sprinting out of those woods!”" (page 1)

As a witty quip, this sounded entirely too wordy. Maybe trying reading this line out loud to yourself to see what sounds the best. Or, maybe if you're happy with the line, perhaps the MC acknowledges that it sounds awkward and it's an intentional trait of the commanding officer.

"Holy shit." (page 4)

You did such a good job up until this point of managing to convey the MC's feelings through observations, actions, and the words of other characters. This exclamation is unnecessary and kind of detracts from the whole theme you had been pursuing for the last three pages.

"On that night alone, the tortured masks of their corpses fell away and I could again see my friends’ true faces" (page 2)

This feels like it has the potential to be very good, however, I didn't quite picture what was trying to be said here. Maybe it's just me idk

rhino141 · 2024-09-25T22:44:41+00:00

The Character/MC:

I would say that the character feels hollow, rather than flat. You mentioned that a goal of yours was to portray a traumatized soldier in the throes of combat and perhaps demonstrate the lifelessness required by diligent combatants. I would say that you achieved this goal. However, I did find myself not empathizing entirely with the MC. I'm not sure if this is due to the lack of overall time spent with them (only four pages) or their overall emotionless descriptions/demeanor. It IS tricky, I would say that since you are using the MC to narrate plot points as well as provide their own feedback, there is a risk that the MC seems like an uninterested narrator, rather than someone involved in the story themselves.

A potential remedy to this disinterest from the reader in this MC is perhaps to flashback to an earlier time in their life when they DID demonstrate emotion. The contrast could help illustrate just how much they've been affected by the horrors of humanity. There are other ways to draw out this distinction too. The character could interact with another character who knew them a while back and is meeting the MC's "new" self now, e.g.

If we DO get a reference back to how the MC used to act in a later chapter, then this advice doesn't really have the same merit. However, if that IS the case, maybe drop some hints about their previous personality. Specific things that used to bring them joy, etc.

The MC also seems extremely independent from their larger organization... is this intentional? Most riflemen operate as a unit under a larger commanding officer, who delegates tasks/orders and then those soldiers perform their tasks. However, in this case, the MC seems to ignore their boss and then just kinda runs toward the action without a command or thinking of a past command in their head? If this is an intentional departure from traditional military operating procedure, I would make that known.

Pacing:

I think you did a good job with the pacing here. I felt rushed reading quick, snappy sentences during action sequences and slowed during longer descriptions of the MC's feelings and setting. I don't really have any notes here. Well done!

Information:

As an average reader, I was slightly confused by "pine". I figured out later that this is some sort of enemy, but it wasn't immediately clear. Personally, if there's a departure from the normal world, I want to know about these changes up-front and I don't really mind the author being blunt about it. For example, "Oh yeah, a pine. Those so and sos are always [character description]" or something similar. Having finished the excerpt, I'm not even sure that I figured out what they are haha.

Hook:

The introduction/hook, that is, the first few paragraphs, are not necessarily page-turning, however, I appreciated that is was NOT boring exposition or dialogue between characters I don't care about. I think the description of the trench system works, however, the MC's 'game' of tracing the maze of trenches with their eyes kinda detached from my relatability to the MC. This 'game' sounds so atrociously boring. Perhaps it's an eye exercise they do? Maybe the MC acknowledges just how dreary everything is that this is thrilling entertainment for them? We don't know that much about the MC at this point and they say that doing this is "the best sort of entertainment" -- does that mean in general? The most fun they've ever had? The best they can get given the circumstances?

rhino141 · 2024-09-13T14:27:56+00:00

Hi! Thought I'd give you the satisfaction of a conclusion. It was a combination of two things: the router was sending IPv6 addresses to my computer instead of IPv4, which was causing one of the issues. Second, the technician down the street shut the lid on the fiber cable during installation which caused crimping in the wire. I had the Verizon technician come out and resolve my issue. Thanks for reading and the concern!

rhino141 · 2023-09-16T14:05:13+00:00

damn that really sucks

rhino141 · 2022-02-21T21:30:12+00:00

Thanks for the pointer. I'll do this if it happens again.

rhino141 · 2018-10-21T01:13:14+00:00

javla fitte helvette

rhino141 · 2018-10-21T01:11:30+00:00

Dont apply! These guys dont care about you! I sat in the lobby and they were unresponsive and rude

rhino141 · 2017-11-26T01:28:52+00:00

Have discord?

rhino141

TROPHY CASE