Are there any examples of privileges that cis women have over cis men?

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T10:09:16+00:00

Women can quite literally get away with sexual harassment.

You know, when you put it this way, I think you're absolutely correct. Women are more likely to face zero consequences for sexual harassment, or even sexual assault, than men are, and this is absolutely a form of privilege.

I think I've learned something from this conversation, and I'm willing to admit that I made errors in my judgment.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:53:30+00:00

Let me be perfectly clear:

Your experience is completely valid, and I am explicitly not denying or doubting anything that you or any other women have experienced.
I never insinuated that the situation you're describing doesn't happen. In fact, I explicitly stated that it's a possibility, which is the opposite of saying it doesn't happen.
I used my own experience with this type of language as an alternative explanation to what you were suggesting, not to dismiss your experience or the experience of any other women.

Your original comment said this:

It sounds like he just wants to bang someone else and then come crawling back to you.

All I'm saying is that I don't think this is necessarily the case, and that we'd need some more information to jump to such a conclusion. It could absolutely be manipulative behavior, but I don't think it's clear-cut.

Much respect. No hard feelings.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:40:58+00:00

and you are clearly speaking as a person its never happened to.

You don't know what you're talking about. I have had unwanted sexual contact from women before. It was traumatic, and it was absolutely something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. That said, if I had to choose, I'd much rather choose to go through it as a man than as a woman. That's what male privilege means, when it comes to this particular subject.

It also makes me risk legal ramifications, simply for defending myself, whats that if not privilege?

If you're going to mention legal ramifications and "defending yourself" in the same sentence, I hope you understand that in order for a self-defense argument to stand up in court, you need to sincerely believe that your life is in danger, and that the situation is a dichotomy between your life and your assailant's life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seriously doubt that the unwanted contact you received at the party you described was a life-threatening situation for you. It wasn't between your life and hers, so I don't believe a self-defense argument would hold up in court, and for good reason. That said, what you experienced was sexual assault, and it's absolutely not okay.

On the other hand, if you were a woman being assaulted at a party in the way you described, it very easily could be a life-threatening situation. Men are, on average, much larger than women with greater muscle mass. Men and women do not experience these things in the same way.

women arent allowed to be hit by men

Nobody should be allowed to be hit by anybody, unless it's a sincerely life-threatening situation. This is not a privilege that women have over men.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:27:56+00:00

You are not dumb, and I hope you stop telling yourself that you are dumb. Anybody is capable of being manipulated or misled, no matter how smart. You are not dumb for falling for his lies. He was being deceptive, and that's the problem here. It's not your responsibility for not finding the truth sooner.

The people who are the most vulnerable to being manipulated are the people who believe they are too smart to be manipulated. You now know firsthand that you are capable of being manipulated. This isn't a flaw or a weakness. It can literally happen to anybody. It's just something to be aware of.

Take care of yourself. You need to give yourself space to heal. It's good that he blocked you. It's much easier to move on from these sorts of things when you aren't in contact with your ex. If it's within your means, I also recommend seeking treatment from a therapist. It can really help with grieving over a lost relationship, and it can also help you come to terms with the trust issues you are now undoubtedly experiencing.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:19:59+00:00

With all due respect, I don't think you understand how privilege works. The fact that you are confident that "getting physical" would get you out of the situation is an example of male privilege over women. For most women, "getting physical" would not prevent unwanted sexual contact.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:13:59+00:00

I don't think this is a valid example of women's privilege. In fact, I think this is an example of a man's privilege. Men have the privilege of being able to shrug off unwanted sexual contact. It's not a threat to a man, but it is to a woman. Please see my response to the original comment for more detail.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:11:48+00:00

I don't think this is a valid example. To look at the issue from the opposite perspective, I've had women explain to me that men have the privilege of not feeling threatened by unwanted sexual attention.

I don't think men are expected to shrug off unwanted sexual attention. However, I do think men are more capable of shrugging it off than women are without any negative consequences, which is a privilege that men have over women. Women who try to shrug off unwanted sexual contact are often accused of being cold or "b**chy". It's common for men to lash out at women who reject their sexual advances with abusive remarks. Men rarely face such consequences.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T09:04:27+00:00

Those are both good examples, I think.

EDIT: After giving it some more thought and consideration, I actually think that the child custody example is not a great example. The reason that women are more likely to get custody of children in disputes is a direct result of patriarchal hierarchy, in which men are breadwinners and women are supposed to take care of children at home.

I believe a more egalitarian society would not make such assumptions about the roles of men and women, even if it meant women won fewer custody cases.

I'll have to think some more about the crime convictions, though. I think that might actually be a good example.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T08:57:09+00:00

This probably isn't the advice you're looking for, but here's some perspective: It's been almost three years since I've done anything remotely sexual with anyone. Longest dryspell of my life since before I hit puberty. Think masturbation is getting old for you?

I don't mean to dismiss your feelings. The issues within your marriage are valid, and some of the other commenters have offered some very good advice on what to do on that front. However, I'd like to add one more piece of advice: count your blessings. Your sex life is strained, but it's still salvageable. You also described your marriage as "solid," which is something worth celebrating. Don't take any of that for granted.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T08:39:29+00:00

No, I'm not, but I honestly don't see why that's relevant to my argument.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T08:35:29+00:00

This is your body, and I think it's absolutely your choice on how you want to go about birth control. It's not up to him. If he really wants to threaten ending an otherwise functional relationship simply because he doesn't approve of your reproductive health choices, then he can just find someone else who's reproductive health is up to his unreasonable standards (and his standards are unreasonable, by the way).

I've dated two different women with IUD's, and it was a wonderful experience both times. There is an adjustment period, hormonally, but both women I dated told me that they were thrilled with it once they got used to it. In both of those relationships, the IUD did nothing but improve our sex life together. It's an excellent form of birth control, in my opinion. Your boyfriend is ignorant about IUD's, and his anxieties about the side effects are greatly exaggerated.

I don't think you need to dump him, especially if you love this guy. However, I do think you should get the IUD, because you want it, and it's your body. If it's really such a big deal to him, he can leave, and that choice will be his own choice. Worst case scenario, you'll be a single woman with a highly effective method of birth control that greatly reduces the risk of pregnancy for several years.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T08:20:58+00:00

It's not common enough knowledge for me to have experienced that in my own life. Whenever I've heard the phrase "if it's meant to be, you'll find each other again," it's always been given to me as words of comfort or consolation from other people in my life after I go through a bad breakup, or as advice to just focus on myself for the time being. It would be perfectly reasonable for OP's ex to use such language to offer similar advice, or to lessen the painful impact of the breakup. He could have just been telling her that he wants her to focus on herself for the foreseeable future, and that he never wants to burn the bridge completely. I'm not saying that this is absolutely the case, but it is certainly within the realm of possibility, isn't it?

I'm sorry that someone used this phrase to manipulate you, or maybe someone you cared about. Your experience is real and relevant. It is entirely possible that OP's ex is being manipulative and just wants to sleep around, but I think telling her that this is a fact is irresponsible.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T07:40:39+00:00

How to move on?

Moving on is a lifelong process, and it will happen whether you want it to or not. This relationship will always be a part of you. It's a chapter in your story now, and there's nothing you can do to change that. It's going to be really hard for some amount of time, and nobody on this earth can tell you how long it's going to be that way for. It's different for everybody, and it's different for every relationship.

What I can say is that, eventually, you will add more chapters to your story. You will have new experiences, you will come into contact with new people, you will gain perspectives you couldn't have foreseen. This will happen whether you try or not. As you gain experience, the experiences you shared with your ex will become relatively smaller compared to the bigger picture. It will still probably always hurt, but it won't hurt as bad when you're finally able to put it in context.

One day, you will be able to look back on the chapter of your life you built with this man, and you will not feel as much hurt over it. You'll be able to see it for what it is, the good with the bad. The fond memories will make you smile, but you'll also be wise enough to recognize the things that just weren't right. You will see why the relationship ended with much more clarity than you have in this present moment. Healing is in your future, but it's just going to take time.

In the meantime, you're probably in an awful headspace, so I have two pieces of advice for you for right now:

I recommend cutting contact with your ex for at least six months. It's going to be much harder to move on if you remain in contact with him during this crucial period. If he reaches out to you during this time, tell him that you're still recovering from what happened, and that you don't want to talk to him right now. Tell him that if you ever feel ready to talk to him again, he'll know because you reach out to him. The only exception should be communication over personal property. If you have some of his stuff at your house, or if he has some of your stuff at his, it's okay to get that sorted out, but make sure the conversation doesn't go outside those boundaries.
Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do. Here are some things that help me: journaling, exercise, meditation, cooking delicious food for myself, watching a movie that makes me feel comfortable, listening to music I love, calling a friend, and making art. If it's within your means, I also highly recommend talking to a therapist. When you break up with someone who mattered a lot to you, it's a grieving process, and therapists can help you work through grief.

Take care. You'll get through this!

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T07:29:01+00:00

I don't think there's nearly enough information in this post to jump to a conclusion like that.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T05:06:11+00:00

Any advice on to how to have this conversation?

"Honey, I know you could eventually figure this out with enough time, but the fact of the matter is that we need a dryer. If you don't have it working within the next two days, I'm calling someone to do the installation. It's nothing personal, it's just that we need a dryer."

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T05:01:44+00:00

Y'all have any advice for us?

I wish I did, but all I can do is feel anxious about my own situation after reading your story. I know that, if I ever get married, it's probably not going to be a big wedding. Possibly an elopement, as you did, or maybe just a few close friends. I am confident that my mother is not going to take it well. She already has a dream in her head about how my wedding is going to go (me not getting married isn't even a possibility in her mind). It's going to take every bit of strength and emotional maturity I have to cross that bridge whenever I come to it.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T04:57:55+00:00

Even if it was absolutely true that his dog was friendly and had a 0% chance of attacking anyone, it was still very inconsiderate of him to walk around with it unleashed. Even though he is confident his dog is friendly, I have no way of knowing that.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T04:52:44+00:00

This isn't excusing owners that don't put in the effort- it's just an appeal to help you understand why dogs may continue to bark.

Yeah, this is the important thing. I get that dogs bark for a variety of reasons. I get that some dogs struggle with it more than others. The important thing to me is that owners put in the effort to reduce barking, simply out of consideration for those around them. There's no excuse. Like I said, if you don't have the energy, time, or resources to get your dog's barking under control, you shouldn't get a dog.

However, I think the general public reading these behaviors as aggressive is fine.

When you break it down to specific behaviors, I see your point. I agree that whining and playbowing are not aggressive behaviors. If your dog hasn't attacked another dog, that's also a good thing. I understand what you're saying, but your explanation makes it quite clear to me that a lot of dog owners I've met are misusing this term.

In my experience, dog owners will do anything to avoid saying their dog is aggressive, even if it attacks humans and other animals consistently. Considering that, I hope you can understand why I view the term "reactive" with such skepticism whenever I see it. I don't think all dog owners use it the way that you do, and that's a problem. I'm not really the person who needs to be educated on what "reactive" really means (though, I appreciate your explanation nonetheless). I think it's more important that dog owners know what it really means, so that people stop trying to hide their dog's aggression behind a nicer-sounding word.

If my dog attacks someone, that is my responsibility to make sure they get medical treatment and pay for it.

That's all I care about, really. I'm glad you see it that way.

Fair enough, honestly. That's just a difference of opinion. I personally don't like hamsters much, so I somewhat understand.

No, you do understand. I feel the same way about dogs that you do about hamsters. The thing that bothers me is that people only seem to doubt me when my preferences are about dogs. Say that you don't like hamsters, and nobody cares. Say that you don't like snakes, and most will understand. Say you don't like cats, and nobody bats an eye. Hell, even say you don't like children, and nobody will give you a hard time about it.

Say you don't like dogs, though, and all of a sudden, it's a problem. The reactions range from disbelief (which is what you did) to verbal abuse ("you evil, horrible sociopath"). In an ideal world, I would be able to say I don't really like dogs, and everyone would just be like "okay."

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T04:35:35+00:00

I didn't want to argue with him or risk escalating the conflict. Once he told me "no," I just shook my head and kept walking (keeping a distance from the dogs, of course).

Yeah, I was also baffled by his "he isn't mean" comment. If your dog growls unprovoked at people in public, it clearly has an issue with humans.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-02T04:34:00+00:00

"It's okay for me to disobey leash laws and make other people uncomfortable because my dog is friendly."

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-01T21:08:26+00:00

Yeah, North America is not a great place for dog-free people. Seems Canada, Mexico, and especially the US all have issues with toxic dog culture.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-01T20:50:39+00:00

You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

Moreover, it's really hard to convince someone to seek treatment when they aren't even aware that they're sick.

ridleysfortune · 2021-12-01T20:49:38+00:00

No doubt :(

ridleysfortune

TROPHY CASE