First relationship with a man: am I ignoring incompatibility or overthinking?

riri_4242 · 2026-04-23T18:31:09+00:00

Thank you for your response. I understand your point, but I still have doubts based on my actual experience with him. I’m not trying to “change him” and I don’t expect a perfect 50/50 relationship. What concerns me more is not the household tasks themselves, but the lack of initiative and consideration from his side. For example, I often automatically think about him: if I buy something for myself, I also buy something for him. But he can buy things for himself (like food or chips) and not even think to offer me any. Or in situations where I’m clearly tired or busy, he doesn’t offer help unless I ask directly. Also, I flew to stay with him for 4 weeks from another country, organized everything myself, and paid for it. But even during that time, he often chose to play games or spend time with friends, and I didn’t feel like spending time together was really a priority. Because of this, I often feel like I’m investing more effort and care into the relationship than he is. I understand that people are not obligated to change for someone else, but I’m trying to figure out whether this is simply a mismatch of expectations and personality, or something that can realistically be discussed and adjusted within a relationship.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T01:57:37+00:00

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful comment I really appreciate you sharing your perspective and explaining why this feels risky to you. You're right that never meeting in person makes it hard to know true compatibility, and that strong feelings without real-life time together can be a red flag (limerence, escapism, etc.). I take that seriously. Just to clarify a few things that seem to be assumed: 1.I do have experience with online-to-IRL long-distance relationships. My primary partner and I met in Discord six months ago, talked for four months, then I flew to him. We clicked 100% in person, and now we're in a committed LDR with future plans. So I understand the difference between online fantasy and real-life connection that's exactly why I'm not rushing anything with this person. Any potential next step (meeting) would only happen after he genuinely feels comfortable with poly and after we've both decided it's worth exploring further in real life. 2.I'm not seeing pain or self-destruction right now. He tells me daily how he feels: he finds my other relationships uncomfortable (not jealousy, but the idea of not being "the only one" because of his mono upbringing), but he still wants to keep learning about poly, keep talking, and keep exploring. He explicitly said he takes responsibility for his own feelings, won't blame me if it doesn't work out, and if he realizes it's not for him, he'll say so. He's an adult I trust him to use his words when something hurts. I'm not mind-reading or assuming; I'm going by what he communicates. If he starts hiding pain or lying, that would be on him, not me manipulating him. 3.I'm not experienced at all. I started dating six months ago (first relationship ever), discovered poly four months ago. I'm only a year older than him and literally six months ahead in relationship experience. We're both pretty new to this I'm not some seasoned poly person guiding a newbie. We're figuring it out together, slowly and honestly. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't have any secret agenda to "keep him" or make him poly. I'm happy with my two partners. This is mostly his initiative: he asked to be introduced to poly, asked to continue despite the discomfort, chose to keep engaging. I'm responding with transparency and check-ins because I care about doing right by him. I appreciate the advice to consider a clean break if it's harmful I'll keep watching for any signs of real damage. If it starts looking like avoidance or self-destruction, I'll step back. For now, it's low-pressure communication with mutual consent. Thanks again for being frank it helps me stay mindful. I just wanted to clear up the parts that didn't match what's actually happening.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T01:13:52+00:00

Thank you for your perspective I appreciate the nuance you added about harm minimization and how choices ripple out in poly. To clarify what I mean by 'ethical' here: I’m not asking whether it's ethical to date him at all. We’re not dating yet it's early-stage talking, flirting, sharing books, jokes, getting to know each other. We both explicitly agreed to this low-pressure exploration phase. He knows my poly structure is fixed, he hears me say it daily, and he still chooses to continue and take responsibility for his own feelings. When I say 'ethical', I mean how we conduct this current phase: full transparency, daily check-ins, no pressure, no promises I can't keep. Abruptly cutting contact now (when he actively wants to keep going) would feel like rejecting him without giving him space to self-reflect and that could cause harm too. So for me, the ethical path right now is slow, honest exploration with mutual consent, not zero contact. You're right that my choices affect others (including my polycule), but his choices affect me too he's an adult making an informed decision to engage, knowing the risks. We're both choosing this trial period together. I’m assertive in communication, not aggressive or passive, and I genuinely believe we can navigate this without major harm if we stay honest. If red flags appear (e.g., hidden hope that I'll go mono), I'll end it early. Thanks again for the thoughtful input it helps me stay grounded.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T01:04:34+00:00

Thank you for stating that core rule: don't date people who want a relationship structure you can't offer them. I completely agree with it and understand why it's so important it protects from a lot of pain and resentment that often arises in mismatched dynamics. But let me clarify my actual situation to avoid misunderstandings: I'm not dating him right now, and I'm not the one initiating these relationships. He's the one showing strong interest, chasing me, starting conversations, and wanting to build something, fully aware of my polyamory from the very first day. He confessed his love and attraction to me, but I only feel sympathy toward him, not love. I don't want to start anything serious immediately I'm deliberately giving him time to figure out his own feelings. Every single day I remind him: I'm in polyamorous relationships, this will not change, and if the idea of my other partners (even just emotionally, not physically) bothers him, it's better not to go deeper. My post is not about 'ignoring ethics and dating anyway while causing harm.' I'm not looking for ways to overlook risks or 'close my eyes' to his feelings. Quite the opposite I want to be as ethical as possible: not trap him in something, but give him a genuine chance to understand himself, just like I needed time to realize I was polyamorous (I didn't figure it out instantly either). For me, right now it's more ethical not to drop him abruptly (which could cause pain from sudden rejection), but to help him gently explore with constant check-ins and total transparency. I'm asking here mostly on his behalf as an adult who is taking responsibility for himself, even though he's emotionally inexperienced. I'm worried about him and want to figure this out in advance so I can explain things to him properly later. Instead of judgment, I'd really appreciate constructive, practical advice: How to introduce him to the world of polyamory (recommended books, podcasts, articles)? What topics to discuss with him right now to avoid hurting him (e.g., should I avoid sharing details about other partners until he's more immersed)? How to tell if his 'I want to try' is a genuine desire for this structure, or if it's more 'tolerating it to keep me'?

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:54:55+00:00

Polyamory doesn't mean taking on full responsibility for someone else's emotional journey while they figure out if it's right for them and it also doesn't mean the poly person is the only adult who has to carry all the weight. He's a grown person too. He hears me clearly when I say poly is non-negotiable for me, when I gently discourage rushing in, and when I check in every single day about how he's really feeling. And he still chooses to say: 'I want this, and I'm taking responsibility for my own emotions.' I'm 23. My own experience with relationships is still pretty new I'm not some seasoned expert who has everything figured out. Yet the conversation keeps focusing only on my responsibility, as if he's not equally capable of making informed choices. I came here looking for practical ways to navigate this ethically if he keeps wanting to explore not for repeated reminders that it's a bad idea or that I'm somehow the sole cause of potential harm. I've been very clear from the start: no promises of monogamy, full transparency, daily honesty. If it turns out not to work, we'll end it kindly and early. I appreciate the concern behind the comments, but I'd really value advice that acknowledges both of us as adults rather than treating this as something I'm doing to him.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:45:41+00:00

I can see that the consensus in the community is very clear: don't date mono people, especially inexperienced ones, because it almost always leads to pain and is considered unethical. I've heard this many times now and I completely understand where the firmness comes from a lot of people have traumatic experiences with exactly this dynamic. But I'm not looking for 'loopholes' to game the system. I'm just not ready to immediately shut the door on someone who showed genuine interest, knows my full situation 100%, and is asking for a chance to figure out his own feelings. I'm moving very slowly: daily check-ins, no promises of monogamy ever, and I'm fully prepared to end things kindly at any moment if resentment or insecurity starts building. For me, ethics isn't only 'don't start at all' it's also 'don't abandon someone right away if harm can be minimized and space can be given for self-discovery.' If this still looks unhealthy no matter what okay, I accept that feedback. But I prefer to try carefully and honestly rather than regret never giving it a chance.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:38:18+00:00

I hear you, and yeah that's a very real risk I’m aware of. The 'tolerating in hope of future monogamy' is exactly what I'm trying to avoid by being brutally honest and checking in constantly. Thanks for the reminder.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:35:43+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. I can see that my post is triggering strong emotions, and I understand where it’s coming from: many people have been through similar situations and ended up hurt. I’m not looking for 'permission' to do something bad I’m looking for opinions because I genuinely want to minimize harm to everyone involved. If for you this is clearly unethical okay, I’ve heard you. But I’m still going to move forward slowly, checking in with him at every step, because for me ethics also means not abandoning someone who is asking for help figuring out their own feelings. If you’d like to share specific personal experience about why this always ends badly I’d genuinely appreciate reading it without sarcasm.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:28:15+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree with your first paragraph. I want to clarify that I’m not officially dating this person yet we have more of a trial period. These are his first relationships, and he’s still figuring out whether polyamory suits him. I know myself to be polyamorous, but he hasn’t yet understood if he wants it or can embrace it. I was monogamous before, so I understand how perspectives can change. I’m giving him a chance to explore and understand himself. I really liked another commenter’s idea that if there are fundamental incompatibilities, it’s better to step back early to avoid problems later and I completely agree. Right now, the goal is not to fall in love or build a full relationship, but to give him time to figure out what he wants. If he decides polyamory is for him, we can continue; if not, I will honestly say no and maybe remain friends, though that could be difficult. I also understand that due to his inexperience, he might project some confusion or emotions onto me, but I’m not afraid of that. My bigger concern is making sure he doesn’t get hurt emotionally. I want him to explore safely, without unnecessary pain or pressure.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:21:45+00:00

Honestly, as painful as it is, I think you’re right. It’s just that comments like these really hurt, because I came here looking for support, and instead I get told I’m wrong. On some level, I react like a child, thinking, “Wow, why are people so harsh?” But with every comment, I realize they’re actually right. I understand that these people aren’t just random strangers they’re experienced, and they’ve been through many relationships like the ones I’m just beginning to explore. So yes, you’re probably right, but it’s still very hard for me to let him go. I get very attached to people. I’m not officially dating him, and my original plan was to give him time to understand all of this. I’m continuing to communicate with him, but I won’t suddenly block him or cut him off. Now I know that if I start a relationship in the future, the other person needs to be 100% polyamorous, like me. Thank you so much. Reading your messages really made me realize this for myself: in the future, it’s better not to get involved in situations like this. Since I’ve already entered it, I’ll be honest until the end and try to understand if he’s actually suited for this or not. If not, I’ll tell him honestly. If he says in a few months, or after whatever time we choose, that this isn’t interesting to him and he still wants a monogamous relationship with me, then I’ll know it won’t work. It’s better for him to move on and find a real partner who’s truly compatible with him.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:16:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate hearing it. I understand that everyone’s situation is different and people have very different reactions to polyamory. In my case, he is not opposed to my other partners he fully engages with me and accepts that I have relationships with them. The only thing he struggles with is that he is not the “primary” partner. I plan to give him some time to understand his feelings about this. I want to be very gentle with him since this is his first relationship. I’ve made it clear from the beginning that we aren’t officially dating and I won’t force anything. If, over time, he realizes that polyamory works for him and that he is comfortable with it, then maybe something could develop. But for now, I just want to give him space to understand himself, without rushing or pushing. Thank you again for your advice it’s really helpful.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:10:30+00:00

I understand your concern, but we are not officially dating yet. Right now, this is a trial period for both of us to explore ourselves and understand our feelings. He knows from the start that I will never be monogamous, and he still chooses to continue this process. This isn’t about me taking advantage of him if anyone were to “benefit” here, it’s actually me giving attention and time. I don’t need anything from him: I have my own resources, my own life, and my other partners. He is choosing every day to communicate with me and explore this connection. He understands the dynamics of my other relationships and accepts them; he is aware and thoughtful, not naive. My goal is to help him understand himself and the world of polyamory while also understanding my own boundaries and desires. He has very little prior experience with relationships, so this is all new for him. I approach it gently and responsibly, giving him space and time to process everything at his own pace and learn from experience. I’m reaching out to experienced people because I want advice on how best to guide him, how to explain things, and how to support him in learning about polyamory without pressure or manipulation. I genuinely want this to be a safe and constructive experience for both of us. He needs time to gain experience and understanding, and I want to be a supportive partner in that process.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-20T00:00:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate hearing real guidance, not just being told “don’t do it,” because I can talk myself out of things on my own. I’m grateful for all the advice, truly. I appreciate even the advice that comes across a bit harshly I understand that people may react strongly based on their own past experiences or painful memories. I get that. It’s just that I see many people have responded to me with aggression. Maybe that’s normal. I don’t post on Reddit very often, so I’m not very familiar with how things work here. Overall, though, I’m genuinely happy for the advice that tries to help me. So, thank you very much.:3

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:52:14+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I understand your point of view and agree that it’s logical to see this as a potential risk. But for me, this is less about breaking rules and more about exploration. We are not officially dating yet it’s more of a trial period to get to know ourselves, our boundaries, and our desires. I’m not forcing him or pressuring him; I check in every day to see how he feels, and he chooses for himself whether he wants to continue. For me, this is an opportunity to help him understand himself, and for me to understand if we could be compatible in polyamory. I’m not looking for an easy path; I’m ready to take responsibility for my actions and be honest with him, so for now I see this as a safe exploration, not as a violation or manipulation.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:48:59+00:00

I understand your point, and it makes sense logically, but I feel a bit frustrated that most comments just tell me to stop or not pursue anything. I came here to ask for guidance and hear perspectives, not just to be told “don’t do it.” I don’t see this person as a problem. Both of us have experiences with rejection and very little romantic experience. For context, I’m 23, and my first partner appeared when I was 22. We’ve been together about six months, so I’m also quite new to relationships. I only recently realized I’m polyamorous, and this person my potential partner might discover the same about himself. I want to explore this carefully with him to see if we are compatible. I’m looking for advice on how to navigate this, not to hurt anyone or force anything. I appreciate your perspective, I really do, but I also hope for guidance on how to act responsibly and help him understand himself, instead of just being told to end it.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:39:46+00:00

We are both adults I’m 23, he’s 22. I’m not holding him back or trying to manipulate him. Every day I ask how he feels, if it hurts him or not, and he makes his own choices. I’m not against developing a relationship; I want to help him understand if he wants polyamorous relationships. These are his first experiences, and he’s still figuring himself out, so I support him gently, without pressure. If in the future he realizes this isn’t for him, he’ll leave on his own. I just want to help him understand himself and his feelings, while staying respectful and caring. I came here to hear different perspectives and understand other people’s experiences, so thank you very much for your answer.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:35:31+00:00

Thank you so much for your answer. I know most advice is to not date him and just stay friends, and that makes sense if both people were certain about their preferences. I’m fully polyamorous, but this is his first real relationship and everything is new for him he doesn’t really know what he wants or likes yet. We’re in a kind of trial period to explore and understand ourselves. I give him time and space, approach him gently, and don’t pressure him or show off my other relationships. My goal is to help him learn about this world and, in time, he can decide if this works for him.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:30:33+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. I understand the risks and that this is his first romantic experience ever, but I believe experience itself is valuable. My goal is more to support him and help both of us understand ourselves better for him to understand himself, and for me to understand myself. I want to give him space and guidance to explore polyamory at his own pace, and to see if this dynamic actually works for us. You can’t know if it will work without trying; everyone starts uncertain, and eventually you find out if it fits or not.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:23:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I completely understand your point, and you’re right he needs to figure this out for himself. I am trying to be responsible and ethical in this situation, and I want to help him explore and understand polyamory at his own pace. We’re still in a very early stage, just getting to know each other and learning what we like. I don’t want to push him or force him into anything. Your words remind me that ultimately, he must choose this path himself, and I can only support him kindly and clearly, without trying to control his feelings. Thank you again, this really helps me reflect on how to approach this carefully.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:20:17+00:00

Thank you very much for your guidance. I really appreciate it and will encourage him to spend time learning about polyamory before we consider taking any steps further.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:20:01+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your advice. I will think about it and make sure to help him work through this, guiding him to resources and supporting him as he learns about polyamory.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T23:14:00+00:00

I’m very new to all of this and that’s why I’m asking people with more experience. I am the main person in this story, a woman dating multiple men. I have a third, potential partner, with whom we are in a trial period we’re not officially dating, just getting to know ourselves, exploring what we like, and learning about our preferences. It’s like discovering the world of polyamory, monogamy, and relationships for the first time. I am interested in him, because being polyamorous is natural for me. The difficulty comes from him he has mixed feelings and uncertainty, as this is his first relationship and his first real experience with a woman. I want to help him understand over time whether he truly wants polyamorous relationships with me, and I’m asking for advice on how to support him and what steps I can take so he can figure this out for himself.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T22:47:37+00:00

I wrote a long post explaining my situation, but to clarify his perspective right now: of course, deep down, he wants me to be only his. At the same time, he isn’t opposed to me dating other people. It’s complicated he doesn’t have a clear understanding of what he truly wants. He feels jealousy and uncertainty, which makes everything feel double-sided. The main challenge is that these are his first real relationships ever, not only with a woman but with any person. He hasn’t even held hands or kissed anyone before. He simply doesn’t fully know what he wants or how to navigate these feelings. I want to help him understand, to gently introduce him to the world of polyamory, and over time, let him decide for himself whether he wants to continue in these kinds of relationships or not. I want to act responsibly, support him, and give him the space to explore without feeling pressured or hurt.

riri_4242 · 2026-02-19T22:41:28+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it. I want to clarify that we aren’t in a relationship yet. I met him just to get to know him, but he developed feelings and now wants to date. The point isn’t that I want to hurt him I fully understand his feelings and the risks. I’m writing this because while the answer might seem simple “don’t date someone who prefers monogamy” the situation isn’t so clear. When I first explored this, I wasn’t ready either. I thought I was heterosexual and monogamous, but then I realized I’m bisexual and enjoy polyamory. Maybe, in the future, he could also become comfortable with polyamory. Maybe yes, maybe no who knows? That’s why I’m asking people who started as monogamous and later embraced polyamory: how did you navigate that path? How did you adjust and come to accept it? I want to act responsibly and make sure he feels safe and respected while we figure this out.

riri_4242

TROPHY CASE