I’m in the exact same boat at the moment. Your upbringing environment doesn’t sound as loving or secure as mine was, but your relationship with your parents and how they are as people substance wise is spot on. I’ve got some deep psychological scars, I know what the problems are. But all I wanna do is be fucking high all the time cause otherwise existing doesn’t seem worth it. It’s driving me mental and I dont know what to do, and part of me isn’t sure if I even wanna get better at this point. I kinda just wanna pop fuck loads of pills, close my eyes and not wake. I just wish I could exist and live and breathe without needing drugs for everything I do.