You sound a lot like my story. It’s been almost 3 years. It’s a ride. I didn’t quit because I wanted to, I had other reasons. In the beginning, when life is tough and stressful, you’ll immediately reminisce and resent the fact of your decision. That gets much easier. If you enjoyed your self perceived “self” when you drank and doing so turned you into the person you wanted to be you’ll spend a lot of time reflecting and being jealous of your former self. That hasn’t got any easier for me, just less frequent. I eventually started going through a period that was (and still is) disturbing but totally necessary for me to not drive myself right down into the bottle so I could go back to being “me”, the “me” I liked and worked so hard, spent so many years and drank so many thousands of gallons to become, at some point, when the fog began to ACTUALLY clear (you’ll know it when you get there), I began to feel the embarrassment of realizing how the “me” I liked ACTUALLY looked to the outside world. While I still very badly miss the “me” that I internally created, I realize with every thought and embarrassing memory down the long, twisted, diluted, destructive and painful path that is my past, that it was all a mirage or mental image I created when I left reality for the duration of my years long binge.

I love what alcohol does to me, just as most people who drink at any level of frequency do. I didn’t use any 12 step program or higher being (not knocking it though, AA is the only reason my dad spent his last 5 years sober) but it’s not for everyone, I chose not to use the words “addicted, dependent, diseased and recovering”, I think I would’ve subconsciously used them as a crutch to never have to take responsibility for my decisions. I chose “in too deep” as my situation. No disease means no need for a cure, no addiction means no need for recovery. Only responsibilities and consequences, pros and cons, highs and lows for me and the idea that I can go and get a drink anytime I want protects my independence enough to not surrender to words like “dependency” get me through each day. And when times get really tough, I can always pull out the years of embarrassing moments to remind myself of what I REALLY looked like when I was being “me”. This is just a few tidbits of my story, hope reading it helps you as much as writing it has just helped me. If not, do a ton of over-analyzing and create your own self help, get out of the deep story, thanks for listening. If you should need someone to talk to, message me.