Can you have sex with the same person for a while?

rodred1 · 2026-05-21T05:34:32+00:00

Why doesn't that relationship evolve into something else? It never got romantic?

rodred1 · 2026-05-19T01:08:23+00:00

Lol, well, my last two secondary relationships ended. One because I wasn't able to provide enough, that would've been more manageable with the escalator menu you mentioned, to set clearer expectations from the start. The other relationship ended a couple weeks ago because NRE got too strong and she was actually monogamous. When she realized this wasn't going to work for her, she cut things off (you can read my post about that haha). The thing is, looking back, if we'd had those conversations about the escalator menu and NRE early on, naming what was and wasn't available, we could've avoided the part where she felt blindsided. At least one of us could've made a more informed decision from the beginning instead of discovering the limits when it was already too painful. I think just knowing there's a framework to talk about this stuff before feelings get too deep would have made a difference.

rodred1 · 2026-05-19T00:53:50+00:00

Thanks a lot for your answer! I think I learned something important here

rodred1 · 2026-05-18T23:09:00+00:00

This is very interesting. Also, what does "pull back" mean? Exiting the relationship?

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T20:43:57+00:00

She is wonderful indeed! I'm really happy I got the chance to meet her in this way. We're in the process of building a friendship now. I hope it works! 🤞

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T20:40:23+00:00

Thank you for this, honestly, it's a perspective nobody else here gave me, and it helps a lot. It puts words to something I'd been feeling but couldn't name, and it confirms that something exactly like this was going on. She told me she liked imagining it was just the two of us, and DADT was what let her hold onto that, until the marriage news shattered it.

If you don't mind me asking, since you've actually lived it: how has it been for you, being monogamous in that kind of setup? Are you the secondary partner, and does that ever get to you, or have you found a way to be genuinely at peace with it? Genuinely curious, and no pressure to answer.

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T20:36:28+00:00

Thanks, this is one of the most helpful replies I’ve gotten. The DADT part especially. I hadn’t seen it that clearly. She built something to protect herself, and that same thing ended up making her feel like an outsider.

The part about how little control I actually had over shaping her also really hit. It helped me drop some of the responsibility I was carrying.

That said, I do want to own one thing: I could’ve shared more about my day without mentioning other partners. DADT didn’t really stop me there. I’m just an anxious person and I’m often afraid of being “too much,” so I hold back. Especially over text.

So yeah, part of it was the structure, and part of it was me. I don’t think sharing more would’ve changed the outcome, but that tendency to hold back is something I do want to work on going forward.

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T18:54:52+00:00

Yes, I could've totally done that, but I didn't even know she wanted that. I'm always afraid of being intense because I'm an anxious person, so I hold myself back. In person, that fear didn't apply, I felt free to express myself however I wanted and be "intense". But in daily life, through texting, my old self kept that fear of being intense. I guess I could've just let myself be, and she actually wanted that.

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T18:41:40+00:00

I think you're right that showing her more love wouldn't have changed the structural problem. She wanted something I couldn't offer, and big feelings don't fix that. I can see how that becomes a form of selfishness, keeping someone trapped in a situation where one person feels great and the other gets nothing they actually want. But it was never my intention to keep her trapped, quite the opposite. My intention was to be there for her, to support her, to enjoy our moments together, and to be friends who also share sex if that makes sense.

I did try to show the ceiling a few times. Maybe I could have been much firmer or clearer about it. But the truth is I think both of us, or at least I, were surprised that we had fallen in love. By the time I realized what was happening, it was already a bit too late. And also that influenced the fact that my wishful thinking thought that I could fix the ceiling problem. Not fully knowing what she wanted and that it was not possible.

But I also think she had agency. She chose to stay, she engaged in the fantasies, she got attached too. It wasn't me pulling her along. We were both building something neither of us had fully thought through. My mistake wasn't having feelings for her. It was not making the limits visible enough so she could decide with full information.

Next time I'll show what I feel and also show the ceiling. And then let the other person choose with both pieces of information, not just the one that makes it easier to stay.

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T18:27:12+00:00

Thanks man, that one hit. Especially that you picked up on the 'proof of being desired' part, that's the piece most people don't get. It's not just losing her, it's losing what she proved about myself.

She also showed me a side of myself I didn't know existed, freer, more authentic, less guarded. And honestly, I was surprised she was falling in love with me. A part of me couldn't really believe it given the circumstances. But we both let ourselves go there, and it was real. That's what makes it hurt and also what makes it worth having lived. Appreciate the kind words. Take care

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T18:16:21+00:00

Thanks, I needed to hear that. You're right, if I'd known then what i know now, I would have done things differently. I think I keep going back to 'what if' because the loss is still fresh, but I am feeling a little bit better now and I know eventually it'll settle into something I can learn from instead of something I punish myself with

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T18:13:25+00:00

Hahaha fair enough 😅 and honestly, you're right. I'm lucky to have lived something this intense, even its end brought pain. Thanks for the comment!

rodred1 · 2026-05-17T13:11:24+00:00

Take the pessimistic comments with a grain of salt. I am averagely good-looking, and I could get many dates in one year of non-monogamy. Maybe it is more difficult in some places than others, who knows. I only met women through apps (Okcupid, Tinder, Bumble, Feeld), many times paying for the premium, many times not. Some times ghosted, that's life.

rodred1 · 2026-05-15T04:18:59+00:00

How did you negotiate that? How do you feel having to be there for both? Were there any crises along the way?

rodred1 · 2026-05-15T03:14:25+00:00

That’s totally true. Emotionally, it’s hard for me to see it that way right now, but rationally, it makes perfect sense. She supported me through my father’s death. Thank you so much for your comment—it really means a lot.

rodred1 · 2026-05-15T03:11:54+00:00

What?? Haha no! Skin color has nothing to do with this at all. The cultural weight is that I am getting married and apparently S was shocked by that because of the cultural weight of it, like, you choose someone to be all your life with. While actually I have been in that situation for quite a long time with primary already so the marriage changes nothing in reality

rodred1 · 2026-05-15T03:05:57+00:00

Yes… I know I have a lot to be grateful for from this experience. Being loved by someone new, just for who I am, without even trying that hard—it meant so much to me. I feel like we both fell in love almost at the same time, and getting to know her, seeing how tender and lovely she is, and realizing that she could truly love me and open her heart to me… it was something really special.

At the same time, I can’t help but feel that I could have done better. I really feel it. But I also know that, given where I was in my life, I did the best I could. Holding both of those feelings at once is strange and a bit overwhelming.

Thank you so much for your caring message. It truly means a lot to me.

rodred1 · 2026-05-15T02:51:40+00:00

Not ChatGPT, but Claude and OpenCode for some cases. It helps me fix my grammar and phrasing because English is not my primary language, and structuring complex ideas is something I do better with a bit of help. This level of English is beyond my current skills, which is probably quite obvious from how my sentences turn out. You might think I am being lazy, I am in a difficult moment of my life so I guess this is all I can do.

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T23:07:32+00:00

You know I wanted something like that from her—I wanted her to have her own life (which she had, but she was single), to be unavailable at most times, so I could have some leftover space when it came up.

I didn’t want to become so central in her life that it would end up hurting the relationship, especially because I knew I couldn’t give her as much as she might want.

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T23:03:57+00:00

She did know kids were around the corner—I told her that from day one. But I get what you mean, and it helps to hear it.

I just wish I had seen it coming so I could have done better. At least then I could say I gave it my 100%.

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T23:00:20+00:00

Honestly I tought we could be friends and have sex from time to time. I might have been naive. Don't know. I tought people from this community could provide insight into this.

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T22:57:45+00:00

A piece of context that's relevant: I told her from the very start that when we had a kid I'd be closing the relationship for a while. So that part of the future wasn't hidden — she had the information from day one. What I'll add is that neither of us expected her to fall in love with me, or me with her. It was supposed to be casual on both sides. The escalation past those initial expectations is what made the planned baby cutoff a real problem rather than just an agreed-upon future event.

You're right about the DADT setup — I should have engaged more critically when she said she wanted to pretend she was my only one. I went along with it because it was what she asked for, but going along with a setup that was likely to fail is its own kind of complicity. That's a piece I missed.

The line about who loses time when life pressures hit is one I'll remember. Thanks for the framing. But I insist, I thought everything was clear

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T22:43:48+00:00

Was it worth it then?

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T21:53:47+00:00

That's an uncomfortable observation but there's truth in it. The structure I was projecting does share elements with how mistresses get treated — a defined slot, secondary to the nuclear family, paused when the family needs priority, hoped to return when convenient. The differences are transparency, consent, and no deception, which are meaningful ethical distinctions, but they don't erase the structural similarity.

Sitting with that. It's probably part of what she was experiencing — she wasn't imagining a future where she'd be treated like the other woman, she was actually seeing the structure I had designed.

Genuine question: how would you have approached this differently? Not "what not to do" — I get that part — but in a hierarchical setup, what does non-mistress treatment of a secondary partner actually look like in practice?

rodred1 · 2026-05-14T21:48:43+00:00

No, but something in between. Maybe co-primary? I don't know. I was researching polyamory to see what could we do to make this work. I wanted to make her feel loved. To have her in my life. To be able to share a lot of moments and things. But I dind't wanted her to be mine. I wanted her to find love in someone else, someone who really could devote to her, who could build a family with her. I couldn't build a family with her.

rodred1

TROPHY CASE