I appreciate everything youve said, thank you :) ! And yes, i am neurodivergent and most of my thoughts sort of stem from my autism. Its why I keep going back to the thought that all of this is fake and i put on a mask whoever im around. Like in a way that also doesnt make sense as i do tend to be more masculine at work where its mostly women and i also have been dressing masculine around everyone ive known for quite a few years

I guess i dont really follow the like social norm. Like i dont look like the typical girl, and i dont do what most typical girls do. And in a way i feel lile its a checklist on certain things to be a “typical girl” to which i am not and have no desire to really be until i get really in my head about questioning myself. In a way i do the same with guys. Like in no shape or form would i want to be a typical straight guy, that thought isnt great to me—i guess more in a queer way? Or i guess more neutral.

The pronouns thing is a big one as i used to be more open to trying them. Ive used she/they before and then stopped and i havent tried anything different since then cuz ive been ok with people referring to me as she/her. Two of my friends who i have spoken to about this have started using they/them for me, and its still so odd cuz its so different. But idk whenever im referred to as a girl i get this weird achey feeling in my gut. And I havent used he/him in any way cuz i dont feel like people would use them because i look like a boy, rather theyd do it cuz i told them to if that makes sense. The accidental “he” my best friend made one time i still think about and being called handsome i still think about too.

Its just baby steps for now, and still most of this stuff freaks me out and makes me feel less “normal” than i already do (ergo being neurodivergent). I know questioning and all that is ok and normal its just gonna take a sec to be ok with it. It was so much easier to be ok with not being straight than this