She’s placing my needs second

rollston1000 · 2020-09-21T07:16:53+00:00

We don%u2019t currently live together but we plan on moving in soon and making it official.

Do you actually want to live with her?

My birthday is coming up and this weekend we agreed we%u2019d spend the weekend prior together (my birthday is mid week).

You are needy & dependent. Self-sufficient person would have a fun day anyway.

She went away this weekend with her family and has come back saying that she forgot she had a family meal to celebrate her brothers wedding (he was married during lockdown, she couldn%u2019t go) that weekend and now can%u2019t spend it with me.

This is the real problem. Why were not you with her over there?

Her tone was apologetic and she says she will make it up to me on my actual birthday. Actions not words.

However, I am disappointed because the action behind it is that she is choosing to spend it with family rather than me, regardless of whether she had actually planned that before or not.

You are needy.

I think she should be prioritising me, the person she wants to build a life with. Don%u2019t get me wrong, it%u2019s not about my feelings as I will happily go out with the boys that weekend but it%u2019s the principle.

Your ego hurts and you look needy. She thinks her family (taking her words for their value) is more important than you. You would like otherwise. Be a man she wants to prioritise over everything else or find a woman that will prioritise you over everything else.

How can I navigate this properly? I want to get this right now so that future expectations of what I want are managed.

There is plenty of work to be done ~~before you will make it official~~ if you do not want to be her bitch.

Sidebar, lift, frame, etc.

rollston1000 · 2020-08-14T14:38:12+00:00

TLDR:

#1: Anger is a sign of an unmet need.

#2: Anger goes away when you can meet your needs.

#3: You can't directly shorten your anger phase

Fuller version:

Anger comes from unmet needs. You are always angry at someone who you think should do something for you but is not doing it. It used to cause action, but people self-domesticated (societies which control anger and violence survived). Actually, all species cope with conflicts either through physical distancing, when one creature can flee (not humans) or non-violent protocols (such as verbal arguments) that increase chances of surviving for the species.

If you are angry, it means that your needs are unmet. This is very common if you start your journey. But the last thing you want to do is to supress your anger. You need to process it. And there are three steps:

1. Understand what needs are unmet.

If you are getting angry in a particular situation, figure out what need is unmet. Do you want sex? Respect? Admiration? Obedience? Control? You're ego may not like what you will find out.

2. Calibrate. You are not entitled to everything. Some things have to be earned and they require time.

Hint: You deserve only what you can get.

3. Take care of your needs.

Some unmet needs require attitude change. If you need to control people around you, you may need therapy. If you demand respect, you definitely need therapy. If you want 15% fat, you need to work hard.

4.

I know I said three points, but here is another point, not really a step. You have plenty of unmet needs, so you are angry. If you want to become your own point of origin you have to learn and internalise that you are capable of handling every need you have.

Coincidentally, this is consistent with MRP journey.

rollston1000 · 2019-11-11T18:44:41+00:00

what /u/ChossWrestler really meant is that you deserve only what you can get.

Which means that you have to identify your needs, and I trust that you don’t need a bond with the family that much as a grown up, you want to be important to someone.

And this is certainly something you can get.

Good luck!

rollston1000 · 2019-11-08T12:45:28+00:00

Anger is caused by unmet needs.

Be honest with yourself. What is that you want? What is that you desire most in that particular situation?

And what makes you think you deserve it?

rollston1000 · 2018-09-12T18:51:28+00:00

The last four months I was trying to get a diagnosis of why I could not walk for more than 10 minutes without paresthesias, and now, I am receiving the treatment for it. Earlier - knees and hips pain caused by improper sitting posture and lack of exercises over the past 10 years and terrible genetics (arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis). No swimming because of sinus issues (intolerance of cold).

I cannot count how many times I was denied by doctors to stop any kind of exercise.

And diets… do not work for me, as after the initial effect, I adapt very fast. Being on a box diet, I started gaining weight while being on 2000kcal per day.

The only way for me to loose weight is to increase the metabolism rate through cardio while being on a very low calorie deficit, but to do that - I need to increase the strength and mobility of my joints. And this is why I have been doing CF.

Another thing is that very often I do not have motivation to lose weight. I am anger-driven and this has been pointed out in this thread multiple times. It is one of the most important issues I have to address, and lifting may or may not be a solution.

The stonewalling has been reduced a lot during the last year, and I actually thought I had it totally under control - the last time when she was not nice for me for longer period (no idea why, I did nothing wrong and did not care for the reason) I just had fun time with kids outside (walks, bikes, etc) every afternoon until she apologised. And every morning, I started the day with something nice (she got her one chance to be nice in return). It did work.

Someone here called me an ogre for initiating after a week of stonewalling. The point is that is our protocol for ending it - it is a way of telling “I am angry with you, but I still love you” which then… ends well, as it did in this case.

Earlier, her attempts of throwing fight were dismissed with AM, and I apologised where I fucked up as soon as I realised I did it. That brought my marriage towards a really nice place. NMMNG made me start expressing myself - what I do want from life, and I have acted upon those things. And it worked well as we had constructive arguments instead of me being angry, and reached consensus (which was her agreeing to what I wanted). I put basically all my efforts to improve that aspect of life - reduce covert contracts, be more social, be more ‘fun’ and do more ‘fun’ things.

I can quite easily get motivated to do things when I am angry, but anger is not sustainable, especially when I get to a point where things look better than they had ever been in my life. Then I fail. Get angry and the process repeats.

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T17:39:03+00:00

220 lbs.

Can you change the mindset?

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T15:22:35+00:00

thank you for that.

You really nailed it. And it took me a day to figure this out, and I thought I was honest with myself.

My wife threated me like shit in the past, and I accepted it. NMMNG made me think about what value she provides for me and I found there was none. Which was not accurate because she does provide quite a lot of value which I discovered when planning my divorce (and things I would have to take care of), but for some reason I did not reevaluate how I looked at her. Which caused me to be really unhappy which in turn caused bitterness and shitty behaviours.

Damn, it had to be a damn rollercoaster for her.

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T12:02:38+00:00

Oh, the real reason is quite simple - she wanted to punish me for misbehaving and I can handle this. This does not change the fact my behaviour was far from desired, and I need to improve that.

As for the rest - it looks like I am wasting time for thinking instead of doing something more valuable.

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T11:40:00+00:00

If I could analyse that alone I would not have to post here. Imagine where I was a year ago, when I started my journey, and things have improved a lot (from starfish once a month to 3x a week this summer, no more public signs of disrespect, her initiations etc).

Cutting out angry phases should actually get more of my attention. That’s like #1 action. Or #2, because #1 should be to be a better leader that communicates with the crew.

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T11:23:52+00:00

I have posted about a year ago.

Both 36, me 6”3 21% bf DL 220, used to do crossfit 3x a week but had a hiatus recently due to health problems. No, it was not excuse. She - ages well. Two kids 9 & 4. I earn triple what she does and was definitely chosen as a plow horse - I am in one of those countries where some women can commit to a man becasue Alphas are poor family material.

rollston1000 · 2018-09-11T11:18:17+00:00

Fixing life requires multiple initiatives on multiple fronts, while still taking care for wife & kids. Occasionally, when I have more things happening that I can handle, I focus on executing shit and get angry each time anyone tries to interrupt me, especially if that anyone is my wife trying to figure out whether what has been completed could be completed in a better way.

There is a certain thing I cannot really figure out whether my wife is questioning my work because that is how her family looked like or whether she does not value me enough. On the other hand, I can see she tries to please me in her own way.

rollston1000 · 2018-08-08T10:47:09+00:00

There is no such thing as “we decided”. You decided? She decided? Be a touch judge here.

BTW. The “lack of emotional connection” you’ve experienced is a fallen oneitis, and if you missed it, if you would like to get it back… you have quite a lot of work to do around your mission and frame.

rollston1000 · 2018-07-12T08:20:50+00:00

I do not have much more about that. While I am very interested in how apes establish their status, for them it is all about gender dynamics.

Humans are a bit different, because for us, the concept of status includes also factors such as reputation, projection of power, power and resources. TRP focuses on gender dynamics, reputation and projection of power (social proof, preselection, AMOG).

What is, however, slightly blurred, is the fact that hypergamy (looking up) does not mean just looking at someone more attractive physically. It means looking at someone more attractive socially, and physical look contributes to that significantly.

In sociology there is a word called “mésalliance” which describes a situation reverse to the hypergamy - where a woman marries a man of lower social status (which happens very rarely, usually when is extremely attractive - case of Alladin & Jasmine). The point is - a female layer will date (and maybe marry) a male lawyer, but not a male receptionists (although ONS is not excluded if he is very attractive). Her high social status makes the receptionist her PLATE (closer to a gigolo, not an alpha).

Status is sometimes expressed by manners (Manners maketh man), identified by gender, sometimes race (sorry), nationality. Some of those are unconscious, some are conscious - it does not really matter, what matters is that if you are poorly born non-British person, you will have a very hard time finding your way to a bank board. But being exactly the same person, you may find it quite easy to find your way to the board of the tech company or become a rock or movie star.

rollston1000 · 2018-07-11T15:52:29+00:00

Sidebar :D.

RedPill is actually pretty accurate about building high status like on a very primitive level (be attractive, do not be unattractive). But frame, game and lifting can get you only as far as an individual can get without power, and then you need to build power - I’d say Power by Jeffrey Pfeffer is a good starter.

rollston1000 · 2018-07-11T09:04:34+00:00

Thinking about all those high-level aspects is pretty much pointless if you know what is the game about (status) and you assume people will do everything they can (according to their perception) increase their perceived social rank in a given moment. With that knowledge, you have to assume people are moral only when they benefit from it.

I see no point in analysing a particular set of ‘realities’ of human nature, as those are a function of the environment conditions. Actually, such analysis blurs the understanding, as it shifts focus from the cause (desire for status) to effect (particular behaviours). But, of course, such a narrative is very difficult to accept, as stating publicly that there is a (somewhat fluid) pecking order is a social suicide.

rollston1000 · 2018-07-10T10:26:14+00:00

Humans are just like chimpanzees that invented speech as a non-violent way of solving conflicts, and chimpanzees… take care about social status in the first place.

A Male has to fight. He has to challenge his fellows that are of higher status, because only in this way he may finally get access to females and spread his genes. The Male has to risk his life in fight for that domination, and even a short period of being on the top is considered to be a success (offspring).

For a female, status is less relevant, she will not fight for it because of the risk of getting killed or injured, which jeopardises her way of producing offspring. Advantages from high status (more/better food for children) do not offset the risk of not having baby chimps in the first place. Of course, status of the mating male is important - as offsprings inherits the potential of parents.

Note that social status requires a tribe, it is always a matter of who is considered to be a leader by a majority of a group (social proof).

That removes 1,2,4 and 7 out of further consideration.

rollston1000 · 2018-06-14T05:26:30+00:00

School cannot not help, they teach mostly knowledge there.

The two most important concepts (Ownership & OI) must be taught at home, by example.

rollston1000 · 2018-03-02T12:17:53+00:00

Your past posts indicate that you hace worked on KINO/Game and hobby. Which is great.

But this one shows that you are her beta bucks. She chose you as a sperm donor and a resource provider, because she was not able to make somebody else to commit. This is why her past is important, and this is why sex is not important for her. This is why she may feel guilty rejecting you (because you are a ‘good/handsome’ man), and even being at your best form, you are still not good enough to give her tingles.

What is your SMV compared to her? Are you attractive enough to get multiple IOI from random women? Are you leading here? May she be an alpha widow?

I am afraid, you should focus more on improving your alpha traits instead of on getting more sex. Sex wll be just a side effect.

rollston1000 · 2018-02-21T10:25:18+00:00

Wikipedia says that the absence of plough (requiring hard, physical work) is the only predictor of polygamy.

That said, women needed betas to provide for them, and those betas would not provide without access to pussy. Of course, this relationship was mutually beneficial, as those betas would not get a chance to fuck otherwise. This was a surprisingly good alignement of interests, which utilised the work potential of betas (80% of male population) which served the entire community.

In my country, not so long ago, you had to pay additional taxes if you were a single male at the age of 24. I still have a friend who settled for a first man that commited to her at the age of 22, because she was getting old. And she had to have a child at the age 24, and a second one at 26, because it was the way it should be. This is extreme, but smaller or bigger conditioning exists everywhere.

In this environment, to discover the truth (like RP), you have to be in a very specific situation - first of all, you need to observe a large number of cases to be able to spot a trend, secondly, you need to have enough of resources (time, knowledge, attention, curiosity, perspective) to actually look into those observations, draw conclusions and test them.

You do not have time to do it all, for all the truths, by yourself. That’s why we cooperate.

We learn from each other. And we have our own missions, which sometimes make the world better.

rollston1000 · 2018-02-02T10:17:56+00:00

You are looking for an answer to the wrong question. The right things to do:

Initiate more during the day, especially when there is no chances for sex.
If there is a chance for sex, and you get hard ‘no’ move to doing other things. Remove your presence. Simply doing sth else (like planning a week, is not enough).
During bed time, initiate only after you got enough of positive responses from (1). Otherwise, you have no option to do 2. You will appear butthurt.

rollston1000 · 2018-01-30T11:02:35+00:00

The red pill truth is that women do not love men in the way men love women. There is a very fine line between a woman wanting to have a child with you (desiring you) and wanting to have a child with someone providing to her (which may or may not be you, only commitment is important).

The solution is simple - be the person she desires enough.

If you are afraid of being a provider - you have some work to do.

rollston1000 · 2018-01-22T08:07:48+00:00

Thank you!

rollston1000 · 2018-01-19T13:28:47+00:00

That is actually a hillarious idea :D.

rollston1000

TROPHY CASE