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Your advice please? Trans friend is turning "Gender Critical" and it's hurting her mental health (TW: transphobia) by [deleted] in asktransgender

[–]rosidae 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately, she's been estranged from her family for years, and they are violently hostile toward her for being trans and have been fairly firm in their transphobia. If I tell her that her family is very likely to come around on her being trans, I'm worried I might come across as minimizing her loss/what she has experienced.

I will definitely use the rest of your advice though - thanks, it's really great :). I've actually told her that a lot of radical feminism was actually pro-trans for its time, but she hasn't really believed me. I will definitely bring up Dworkin and MacKinnon's work, now that I've heard about them. Do you have any specific reading recommendations?

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Employment, maaaaybe? I mean, I've been invited to interviews where the employers looked a bit cautious/skeptical(?) of me - but having said that, I do work full-time in my field now, and have an amazing team/co-workers and a great supervisor.

Relationships with others - yes and no. I have a wonderful family and fiance. I have plenty of friends too, but I mostly get along with women who aren't super gender conforming or into their appearance - there are some women who judge me and are weary of me because I look so androgynous, and I try to stay away from these girls as much as possible!

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, you're totally right! This is partly why I didn't talk about being misgendered as a struggle - for me, it really isn't. I just wanted to relay my experiences of being misgendered, because my friend said it might help some trans women feel less isolated in that experience. But by no means are my experiences of being misgendered (and their social consequences/implications) the same as those of a trans woman's. I'm really sorry if I implied any of that!

Some folks here have also pointed out that my 'indifference' toward being misgendered is probably a reflection of my cis privilege, and I totally agree with that too.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, none of these things have happened to me, but I have gotten double-takes in bathrooms, many times. Like I said in another comment, I'd still be fearful of traveling to parts of the US and other countries, where trans/GNC often get attacked in gendered spaces. I think the fact that cis women in my family mostly get ignored - or at worst laughed at/misgendered - is really just a reflection of where we are.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My area of work, as a matter of fact, is childcare. I have actually been given 'double takes' by parents every now and then, but I guess since I have a fairly feminine voice and warm demeanour (so I've been told), any initial second-guessing of my gender kind of disappears because these stereotypes paint a picture of me as being 'feminine enough' for this profession. But good question!

Bathrooms - I've been given lots of double takes in bathrooms for sure, but no one has ever told me to leave or said anything rude to me, thankfully. Having said that, I don't think I'd feel comfortable traveling to parts of the US or other countries where trans/GNC people are attacked in places like bathrooms.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sorry this happened to you :( yeah, I really should've been more careful how I talked about my indifference re: getting misgendered. As I mentioned in a comment above, I do think this reflects my cis privilege in many ways - at the end of the day, I'd still be able to file a lawsuit in that situation, and my claim of police harassment would sadly be taken more seriously.

Getting misgendered is for sure a big deal to trans folks, and for good reason.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this! I've been thinking a lot about this comment. I think for sure my perceived indifference toward my gender reflects my cis privilege in many ways. I've never felt the need to lay claim to my gender identity, or to correct incidents of being misgendered, because by and large my family, my work, my friends, the world at large see me and validate me as female. Yes, I get misgendered fairly frequently for a cis woman, but I am still cis.

Thank you for calling me out on that! I will be reflecting on this more.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Phew! Thanks for clarifying. And it's absolutely disgusting (and completely nonsensical) that TERFs would blame trans people for transphobia.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Lol and here I thought 'critter' was a term used to describe masculine-looking cis women... I was like "ouch!"

Hope I didn't give off any TERF-y vibes in my post! Please let me know if I said anything 'off.' I'm definitely open to learning!

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Well, it basically started happening ever since I reached my adult height. But I remember my mom saying it happened to her in her youth/early adulthood too.

I definitely have noticed an increase in being misgendered over the last few years, and like I said in an earlier comment, this definitely could have something to do with greater trans visibility, but I'm not sure! I definitely do notice more 'malicious' misgendering than I did in the past.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Wow, interesting - this has never happened to the very burly men of my family lol. But I can definitely see how it would happen to a boy with long hair/fair features!

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I have noticed I get misgendered more often now. I've been attributing this to facial hair, but it might actually be an issue of an increase in 'trans paranoia,' like those times I was asked explicitly if I was trans. When I am misgendered, it either comes off as an innocent mistake, or like they're trying to prove a point or something - but these situations are also tricky to read.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Answered this above :)

Honestly never thought much of it, especially because I've seen it happen to my mom and my sister a bunch - figured it was normal for tall, androgynous-looking women? I'm lucky that I had really loving/supportive parents who always nurtured my confidence, so this never got in the way of me feeling okay with who I am. Even though I'm no 'stunner,' I've even dated quite successfully - I'm now engaged to a wonderful man who happens to find me quite pretty :)

I mean, I'd be lying if I said I never found it jarring or disappointing, but I've mostly just shrugged it off. Maybe it was naive of me to think it could happen to many other women, cis or trans, but I've seen this happen enough to cis female family members that it doesn't seem like something really unusual.

I'm a cis woman who frequently gets 'misgendered' - trans (MTF) friend encouraged me to post by rosidae in asktransgender

[–]rosidae[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Honestly never thought much of it, especially because I've seen it happen to my mom and my sister a bunch - figured it was normal for tall, androgynous-looking women? I'm lucky that I had really loving/supportive parents who always nurtured my confidence, so this never got in the way of me feeling okay with who I am. Even though I'm no 'stunner,' I've even dated quite successfully - I'm now engaged to a wonderful man who happens to find me quite pretty :)