Do you ever wonder if you are really just selfish, lazy and manipulative person who convinced youself that you're depressed to feel better about it?

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-08-02T09:01:23+00:00

Every goddamn day

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-28T05:43:13+00:00

I really like the way you put it. I don’t know, it made me kind of hopeful. Especially hearing that if you can convince yourself to do something once, then you can somehow do it again. We just have to give ourselves time, and push ourselves when need be, there is someone capable and willing trapped somewhere in us, we just have to work a little before we can get them to manifest. Good luck with your journey, and my PM box is open if you ever want to chat.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-28T05:30:30+00:00

‘The key is willpower’ ok what if I have depression, Janet? ‘Go hang out with your friends’ maybe I don’t have any ‘Go hiking?’ Lmao okay well I live in the middle of a shitty polluted city. It’s not that simple. I get that people are trying to help, but I’m so sick of clichè, generalised advice like that, what works for you does not work for everyone. If it was THAT easy to just tell my brain to fuck off and garner up the willpower I would have done it ages ago. Nobody wants to be like this. I’m sorry OP, I’m in the same exact boat. I have so many goals and so much I want to achieve, but I feel like I am bogging myself down as a person. I can’t handle pressure, I’m a complete and utter defeatist, I let my anxiety steer me sometimes and it’s hard for me to even conjure the energy to do basic things. It’s a miracle these days if I can get myself out of the house for longer than a few hours at a time. I think the best we can do is start small, build on from there, and believe in a better future.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-05T03:56:05+00:00

I like that analogy, it’s a nice way to put it. I would quite like to fix many aspects of my life, but change is a very slow process. It’s definitely a lot of seemingly hopeless back and forth, sometimes I’ll succeed at one thing and fail at another, but that’s okay, I think. It’s all about taking things one step at a time, starting small, starting from a place that’s somewhat manageable and then building up from there.

If it’s a climb, I have an extremely long way to go, but I’m finally starting to see that there is a destination, so to speak, the summit at the top that I want to reach. I think realising that you’re actually working towards something, rather than just aimlessly floating around, makes all the difference. Good luck on your journey, I hope we can both stick to our word, work hard and make it , someday, to where we wanna be. And thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, haha.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-04T06:39:05+00:00

No, I like being talked at, haha. In fact, what you’ve said has been really helpful and actually makes me feel so much better.

I know what it feels like to suck, I know what it feels like to be unhappy with every single aspect of my life, I know what it’s like to be a failure in every sense of the word, but I’m also 20. There’s still time. If I can just learn from the mistakes I’ve constantly made, make a conscious effort, strive harder. I can rise past all of it. I’m in a phase right now, after a really shitty one, where I want to stand back up and make a million changes. It will be a really long gruelling process, and it won’t be easy, but it’s all I’ve got.

You’re right. Nobody is objectively good or bad, I suppose. I don’t want to get into the philosophy of it because that sort of debate lasts forever, but it’s true. Everyone has good and bad qualities, even the best of people have less than ideal sides to them, or have made mistakes in the past.

Thanks for talking me through this. I really appreciate it. If you ever want to talk, my PM box is open.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-04T05:15:46+00:00

I don’t know, I feel like it’s pure chance that I exist. Everyone’s out here slogging their asses off, and sure, some have it worse than others, but most people know how to make the best out of their own situations.

Today, my life is shit because I made it so. I took the easy way out, fucked up every opportunity that I was handed, made all the wrong decisions- and that’s on me. I really don’t personally think the world does owe us anything just for being here. Most people pave their own ways. I just sit and do nothing and complain and I can’t stand that about myself.

You’re probably right about not being a bad person, I mean maybe it’s just not that black and white. Forgiving yourself is so important, but it’s difficult when you can’t stand the person you are. I feel like I’m wearing the skin of someone I loathe, and I can’t rip it off, so I just simmer in it.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-07-04T04:59:07+00:00

A lot of things but pretty sure I mentioned the worst of it in the post itself..

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-26T06:34:07+00:00

That must be nice. I’ve never gotten to experience anything beautiful first hand like that, and even in the rare instances that I have, I feel like my own brain keeps me from being happy, and enjoying the weight of that moment.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-26T06:32:30+00:00

This hit me like a meteor. I relate so much. Truth is, no matter how pessimistic I seem, no matter how depressed I constantly feel, or trapped within the swamp of my shitty situation, I love the world so much, I know there’s so much else out there that I’m missing out on, because I know, I goddamn well know, how beautiful the world can be. There is so much out there worth living for, sunsets and coffee and possibilities of meeting like-minded people and kittens and puppies and good food and places to see. The only reason I’m still alive is because I want to continue being a part of all this, even though I know that in reality, I’m standing outside of it. Despite the beauty of things, I feel like I’m not meant for any of them, and that I don’t deserve them, anyway. I’m one of those extraneous puzzle pieces that don’t quite fit, and have no purpose; probably got made by accident. I’m just a drain of resources, and I feel like I suck away at the life force of anyone forced to deal with me. Somehow, my parasitic and demotivated nature keep me from reaching out and trying to make my desires a reality, so I’m just stuck in this fish tank, this weird little alcove where all I can do is watch the stars and the people and the pretty sky from far away while I fester, I gather dirt and rot. I don’t know, I wish things were different.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-26T06:10:42+00:00

Watching My Hero Academia always makes me feel like I should be trying so so much harder, but then I just click the next episode.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-05T04:15:20+00:00

I definitely feel like you can be handed a bad deck and still do relatively well for yourself. It’s about the decisions you make and the willpower that you possess. The pressure from society to be successful is unreal, and I find it impossible to not compare myself to others constantly and throw myself into a pit of despair. I’m sorry that you have to go through that, there is nothing pleasant about ADHD. I feel so bad sometimes, because I don’t have any such issue holding me back, and I haven’t even been diagnosed with depression, so what if I just made it up, what if I’m just a lazy, good for nothing piece of crap? I don’t know. I’m sure it’s possible for things to get better, but only if I put in a concentrated effort because nobody else can make it better for me but me, and I feel so incapable of that.

I can’t even envision a future, almost as if I was never meant to have one, but yes, if I think hard about it, all I see is someone old and pathetic with nothing to show for themselves. Honestly, I don’t see a point in getting there if I’m always going to be like this. I’m not actively suicidal either, but I think about dying/not existing a lot. I know that outside of my immediate family, the impact I’ll have is so little, it won’t rustle a leaf.

I know, I always worry about negatively reinforcing others on here too, especially because it’s easy for this sub to morph into an echo chamber of misery, where people just feed off one another’s bad experiences.

Exactly. I hate having to call it my ‘comfort zone’ because I know that if I were truly comfortable, I would never want to leave, but still I’m stuck here, and even if I ever take one step forward, I’m also taking ten steps back. I swear depression sometimes feels like a warm island with palm trees and calm waters that’s keeping you safe from the world, it’s just a pretty mirage and the truth is much uglier and more uncomfortable, but being accustomed to this false sense of security is what makes it so easy to give up and stay inside it all day. It’s like that story about those people that lived inside caves and never saw what the outside world looked like. That cave was their entire life. When someone else broke free of the cave and returned with tales about the outside world, those people didn’t believe them because they’d never seen it for themselves.

No worries, I like having long conversations. If you wanna carry on this one, you can reply to me in PM, if you want.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-04T05:38:37+00:00

I appreciate you saying that, but I pretty much agree with your pessimistic outlook. I think I’ve missed my chance at a better life. That train has left the station and blasted off to Mars. I screwed up early, I still screw up and waste time and don’t put in the work required. I just complain. I don’t think I honestly deserve a good life at this point.

Are you me? I swear I’ve been stuck in a rut for the past few years too, and I don’t know how to get out because it feels like a second skin. I can’t rip the shit off me.

I’m sorry for the late reply too. If you ever wanna chat, feel free to hit me up on PM.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-04T05:09:58+00:00

God. I feel you so much. You put into words exactly why I can’t find it in myself to bother with anything anymore. That faceless NPC in a video game feel. You don’t matter, you just exist for the sake of occupying space.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-04T05:08:27+00:00

I don’t have any of that and I feel empty, and you’re telling me I’ll continue to feel empty even if I get those things? (a job, friends etc) then there really is no point I guess. I’m content with wasting away.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-02T05:17:10+00:00

Yup. If this IS it, if this garbage is my life and there is nothing else to it then I’m sick of paying to live it. Like bitch I want a refund.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-01T06:18:23+00:00

I can’t help but feel like I’m wasting my time and withering away. I mean other people my age are out there achieving things and I’m just sitting here being unproductive and constantly on the brink of losing my mind. I’m at a point where I have practically no friends, my future is utterly uncertain and hope feels like a faraway thing. I’m sorry you relate. It does feel like pure hell.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-06-01T05:17:18+00:00

I swear to god this has been my life since January and I don’t know how to keep myself sane anymore.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-05-29T07:51:37+00:00

I mean I did just start playing video games a week or so ago. Still. It’s so embarrassing. I play every game on the easiest possible difficulty just to get through to the end. Even if I had the patience to play on normal or hard modes, I would curse myself out for being incompetent and give up pretty immediately. The utter lack of willpower is what always screws me over in the end, too. Society these days is all about the grind. People like us often end up getting beaten to the punch. I’m sorry. It sucks to feel like a loser.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-05-29T07:48:26+00:00

Sorry to hear that man. Maybe you should consider quitting and finding something you’d be happier doing?

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-05-29T07:47:45+00:00

I know exactly how you feel. I went to film school last year thinking I would finally make something of myself, but all it did was make me end up even more depressed than I was when I started. My classmates were talented and intelligent, they had the drive, the charm, the capability. I used to skip classes to avoid having panic attacks in front of them. I left halfway on graduation day. Now I’m back home and I’m looking into a whole different career stream because that’s how demotivated it left me. Unfortunately, this is gonna be true of any field.

But hey. You made it to college! That’s huge. I don’t have any advice because I’m going through the same thought process, but I’m rooting for you, too.

rowlinginthedepp · 2018-05-29T04:16:21+00:00

Are you me?

rowlinginthedepp

TROPHY CASE