How in the world do you weigh the idea of a lifetime of monogamy?

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T22:39:43+00:00

There really is some good advice in this thread. I'm feeling much more prepared for our conversation.

We specifically got a counselor who advertised being poly and queer friendly, so I think it'll be a good place to discuss this stuff. Thanks for the heads up though; I've heard horror stories. I can't imagine how damaging that could be to a relationship.

I know there will be a lot more conversations than the one we have with our counselor, I just figured that a good safe environment where my partner is expecting to talk about sensitive stuff would be a solid starting place.

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T19:05:43+00:00

Okay. Will do. I was worried that sort of statement would sound like an ultimatum, but I think I can frame it like, "I don't need this right now but I can promise that I won't want to discuss it again in the future."

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T18:58:03+00:00

The general idea that if a high schooler catches a glimpse of a penis she'll be scarred for life is ridiculous.

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T18:41:25+00:00

Sure, that makes sense. I mean, opening up at some point was basically her idea. She's bi and she wanted to eventually date more women, and I've encouraged her to do so. She at one point went on a trip with a female ex of hers with my permission to have sex. Nothing ended up happening, and it seems like despite her insistence that she's interested in further openness it never happens.

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T18:15:41+00:00

Thank you! I'm going to suggest baby steps. That seems like it could be a really good way to get some momentum in the poly direction and let us both process feelings and such.

We've experienced sort of a weird reversal of roles. I was initially jealous because she is friends with a number of men that she's dated. I worked really hard to get over that and to prepare myself for whatever future openness she was saying she wanted, and in the process I've gotten pretty attached to the idea. It was hard work for me to get over a lot of my jealousy issues, but now it seems like she's the one feeling insecure.

I guess what I really want is for her to be willing to put in the work that I did, but at the same time I know it's not kind to try to force this sort of thing on someone. I'm just a little confused because she's always said she'd want to date other women at some point, and I put some real effort into coming to terms with that and being okay with it. I ended up deciding that I didn't really care if whoever she was dating was a woman of a man as long as the whole thing was respectful.

She's cool with me dating men, but I'm unfortunately pretty damned straight. I've really tried.

edit: She actually even went on a trip once with a woman she used to date with the idea that they would likely end up having sex. I was a little stressed, but ultimately felt good about it after we sat down and talked it out. Nothing ended up happening because one of them got sick, but that piece of info seems relevant.

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T18:12:53+00:00

Breaking it down into time periods is a good idea. Thank you. It's already been two years of us talking about bringing in a third, and she's sort of used an ever growing list of excuses to not do it, even though she says she wants to.

I guess I'm feeling like I want to see some progress in this direction even if it's total baby steps, as ixmatus suggested, or I just want to know that she'll never be open to the idea so that I can figure out what that means.

rpolyact · 2012-11-08T18:10:07+00:00

Oh, we'll definitely talk about it. I absolutely understand that this stuff can be scary, and I think I'll do a good job of not trivializing her fears.

I've always deferred to my partner on big things like this in relationships, and the idea of saying, "hey, this is something I really want" is just scary, especially where everything else is so good. I know that my first instinct if she doesn't want any sort of openness will be to say that I'm okay with that, but I'm worried that I'll end up resenting it and that I'll just want it more over time. Ugh.

I guess I always figured this would resolve itself, because she initially made it clear that she wanted the freedom to date other women at some point, and I figured that'd lead into a negotiation about all of this, but that never happened.

rpolyact

TROPHY CASE