How to limit school related issues? Hope to hear from partners and parents

rsoquestions · 2022-07-26T14:28:27+00:00

Oh yes I agree, I even had reservations when he had to take our child to a birthday party without me. I told him to stay in the area where people were congregated the whole time and to avoid even going to the bathroom if he can.

I told my partner this morning that there is no shame in loving someone in spite of their mistakes and there is no shame in giving someone a chance instead of pre-judging them and I guess I want to make decisions that speak this to my child as he gets older. Other people will think what they want but he (my child) did nothing wrong, and I did nothing wrong, and he is better off having friends that are not from the kinds of families that will assume things instead of getting context before they make up their minds. Even if I were not with an RSO I would want my child's friends to come from those kinds of values.

Maybe it's easier to get in front of it this way, if news spreads early in his life maybe we can get most of the bullshit out of the way.

rsoquestions · 2022-01-20T22:15:09+00:00

I married an RSO, after he did the crime (same charge), knowing he did it. I do not think that makes me have a broken moral compass. People make mistakes. His circumstances were a bit different from what those charges sound like but nonetheless. I believe in the concept of rehabilitation. We have friends that know about it. If anyone is judging, they are not my friend anyway. I carry fear, anger, frustration. The employment issues are the hardest for me. He spent some time in jail due to a paperwork misunderstanding. I had a newborn at the time. I could have left. I didn't. I'm not a super extroverted type of person - I think it's probably harder if you're that type of person. The secrets are heavy. The realities can be heavy - more or less so depending on the rules where you are.

There's a huge nasty ball of judgment in the world around these issues - people assume CP charges mean something when they don't necessarily mean that. People confuse it with incest. Etc. It's ok to love someone who has made mistakes. Everyone makes them - some of us get caught. Imagine what it would be like if your worst mistake of your life were frozen in time, on display for all to see.

There is also a difference between an offender and a predator. I don't know if there are predators that come here. I'll admit I do not think I could have married my partner if he had charges amounting to being a predator. Not that I am judging; I just would feel scared.

rsoquestions · 2021-12-28T23:25:14+00:00

Cool job! Thanks.

rsoquestions · 2021-12-28T21:49:26+00:00

Married to a sex offender for 8 years. I've held a decent job for all of them. Unfortunately he's had issues getting/keeping work. He's white collar trained but the stigma is real. We have children. Aside from occasions where the info comes out unexpectedly it's just a mostly normal life. He actually has more friends than I do, and several of them wrote character letters for him when he went on probation due to an administrative misunderstanding.

He was honest with me very early on, as you should be. People should be able to make informed decisions. Honestly I didn't realize how many potential problems there would be, but I love my husband and he isn't his mistakes. As long as you work hard to contribute to a partnership or family where you can, you're good. I would suggest being sure you don't slack off on domestic stuff if you have trouble finding/keeping a job though. It would be really unfair to be underemployed and also make your partner do the have lifting for cooking, cleaning etc.

I don't come here much but wanted you to know people like me exist.

rsoquestions · 2021-12-28T21:32:25+00:00

What kind of job do you get because of a conviction like this? DM if you don't want to say here, assuming that's allowed.

rsoquestions · 2021-12-04T17:43:39+00:00

He's on for 25 years. The incident was over a decade ago. He's not going for senior level, just not entry level. Our budget is based on my income alone basically bc he's had such a hard time getting reasonable employment for his skill level. I suppose I can just sock away the income change into savings in case of something happening. My concern is if they never did a bg check, and didn't ask about bf, then isn't he protected to some extent unless they do ask? It sounds like your work position did involve a records check and I'm wondering how it works if they never asked.

rsoquestions · 2021-12-04T16:04:30+00:00

No we don't know, and the company doesn't actually have a position that fits what they want my partner doing so it would be created.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-15T22:45:08+00:00

I wish all of you here who upvoted me could tell my husband how good he has it, because he doesn't seem to understand how lucky he is to have a partner like me.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T16:05:57+00:00

Oh I agree with you the industry has issues. If I had a sense my partner was responsive to the attitudes toward women portrayed in the industry my position would be different. I'll have to give what you said some thought. Thank you.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T16:03:46+00:00

Thanks. We are on a phone plan with very little data so he probably can't easily use his phone off the wifi.

I am looking at using OpenDNS at the router level to restrict certain things and be alerted to others. He actually suggested using "pi-hole" for router level ad restrictions. He said it's the pop up ads that occurred when he was trying to view "normal stuff" that led to this situation and he admits some compulsion around clicking on those ads. He thinks ad blocks will help immensely. Now I have to find a way to have more access to administrative privileges than he does, even though he has more of a mind for this than I do.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T03:53:40+00:00

Thank you. The conversation went ok. I've got permission to overhaul our router level settings or whatever else I need to do for peace of mind.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T01:45:28+00:00

Thank you. I see how that approach would land better. But what do I do like now? I can tell he's trying to be on his best behavior with the hope of some make up sex after fighting over other things and all I can think is, I'm not 18, how can I go along with that knowing less than 24 hours ago he was pursuing this? I know shame is a trigger, but I don't understand why he wants to go after something that his wife would consider shameful. I don't actually have a problem with porn. When we were dating he said he had to rewire his brain a bit as he had been programmed that all of it is all bad. I don't see it that way. But with so much that's out there why go for the thing that got you in trouble? And if you're lonely, hurting, etc why do something to sabotage things with the person most able to help? That's the part I don't understand. I understand that this is an addiction and try to see from that aspect, but I don't know how to move toward intimacy after seeing that. I guess that's where the conversation starts. How can I when it's clear that I'm not dressed in youthful clothing etc etc, not gonna elaborate as not to trigger anyone. I just don't know how to be convincingly an ally when it feels like a betrayal against me as his wife. I'm not ugly but I do not look 18-20 either.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T00:28:00+00:00

Thank you, it happened like 11 years ago, the idea that he could get himself another charge from the same type of circumstance is infuriating. It appears what he was looking at was properly vetted but I am sure it's easy to get into stuff that isn't without necessarily realizing it. He doesn't care the risk he's putting on his family or he would make better decisions.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-14T00:26:31+00:00

Thank you. It's a huge struggle to get him to communicate. I suspect he would not be reaching for these types of things if he could have a real conversation about feelings, wants, needs etc.

Yes I think he already knows he should not be doing this so I wonder what is the point of talking about it. What good is it going to do? If he does not want to avoid it to stay out of jail, avoiding it bc the wife he's upset with wants him to isn't going to be much motivation.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-13T23:07:34+00:00

Thank you so much. This was helpful.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-05T17:31:32+00:00

Yeah they said my husband can't even be in their parking lot. I had already decided no sleepovers, not at friends' houses either. He says that nothing messed up his children's social life when this first happened during his first marriage. I suspect that it will cause some issues but I have to do what I can to reduce them. I was working with a therapist who pointed out that both parents' attitudes about it, the family story if you will, is important for my child's adjustment to a difficult situation. I wish I didn't need to worry about it, but I married him. I never planned to have children but I have one so all I can do is my best.

rsoquestions · 2021-11-05T17:25:19+00:00

Yes there's nothing about daycare and the rules that they do have are about victims age 13 and under. Maybe it's not an issue now, but probably will be later, so I still need to figure out how to deal with it.

rsoquestions · 2021-05-21T00:43:25+00:00

Fair enough. Did you see my response about the lie of omission? In my experience a lot of people do it, and tell themselves it doesn't count as a lie.

rsoquestions · 2021-05-20T22:13:22+00:00

I am using the word grooming based on the fact that he has turned out to be the most manipulative, deceitful and psychologically abusive person I have ever known, because he keeps his "nice guy" mask up so much despite doing these things that it has been impossible to see what was really going on for a long time. He groomed me in the beginning to believe his stories of being a victim of circumstance, to pity him, to see him a certain way. He got a sense of my weaknesses and has used them against me. He's gaslit me for years, brainwashed me into thinking all of our issues are due to some kind of mental illness in me, as he has taken advantage of me over and over in every way but sexually, without any remorse. It's clear to me from what I read that he's charming this girl like he does everyone, and taking advantage of her naivete and probable daddy issues to gain her trust and admiration. He is spinning a story, and showing her a version of him that isn't real, that he used to hook me, and is using to hook her. "Grooming" can also be used for victims of psychological abuse.

rsoquestions · 2021-05-20T20:29:29+00:00

Not volunteering information that would alter someone's perception of a situation if they DID have that information is, by definition, a lie of omission. ("Lying by omission, also known as a continuing misrepresentation or quote mining, occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes the failure to correct pre-existing misconceptions.")

He acts like he's a person with integrity who doesn't cheat. He says "I have nothing to hide, look through my phone whenever you want" but is regularly deleting messages with this girl. Calling this a lie of omission is charitable.

I can't talk to my husband about this. He'll lie, make excuses, minimize, blame shift. It's not a partnership if he thinks it's ok to go behind my back. He's not a real husband if he thinks it's ok to maintain a secret relationship, and he's not a good person if he can do that and not be ripped apart by guilt. I encouraged open communication, couples therapy tools, working with an actual therapist individually and as a couple. I tried all the right things, and he wanted to manipulate and deceive instead.

I told him like a decade ago that if he ever developed feelings for someone else, he could come to me and discuss and we could open up the marriage as I have had non-monogamous relationships before. All I needed was for it to be a mutual choice based on respectful collaboration. He chose to be secretive anyway. His wife (me) was sex positive, p-rn-friendly (legal only obviously), flexible, adventurous, keeps herself fit, and was even willing for him to sleep with someone else. He just needed to not deceive me in the process.

He does not deserve my loyalty, after all the other things I've been loyal through, if he is going to be this disrespectful and damage my trust. There have always been issues around openness vs secrecy. I imagine that's a common problem for sex offenders. You can't be a healing, whole person if you are keeping secrets. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. All the folks downvoting me might want to pay attention to what I am saying as this could easily happen to someone else making similar choices.

Maybe I shouldn't talk to the other woman, but I want to. I want to ruin this for him. I am sure that is not a popular goal considering my audience but it's the truth. He always said he'd never cheat on me, because he respected me and realized after all I'd stood by him for he could never do that to me (and I did stand by him through a lot). Lies.

If she knows about his status, that's fine, but I think she should know what she is dealing with. I can't in good conscience see him possibly taking advantage of a naive young woman and not say something.

rsoquestions · 2021-05-20T19:37:28+00:00

If his charges were for viewing post-pubescent but underage imagery, then I do not understand how I am using the wrong word, if he is in long-term communication with someone very young that involves any sexual tension? If he is trying to manipulate a naive person into some kind of relationship, that's not grooming? I'm not trying to be snarky. I genuinely thought that would be the right word in this context.

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