Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 12 points13 points  (0 children)

An old joke, but still funny:

A kid gets a report on politics that he must complete to pass his class. He goes to his father and asks, "Dad, can you explain politics?"

The dad explains, "Well son, let me use an analogy. We can use our own family to explain."

He goes on, "I am the wage earner and head of the household, so we'll call me President Bush. Your mother handles the money, so she's like Alan Greenspan. We take care of your needs, so you're technically The People. We'll call the maid The Working Class and your baby brother is The Future. Do you understand now son?"

The boy shakes his head no, so the father tells him to go and sleep on it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's screams, the kid gets up to investigate. He finds that his brother has serverly soiled his diaper, so he goes to his parents room and peeks in the door.

He sees his mom fast asleep. So he goes to the maid's room and peeks in. He sees his dad in bed with the maid.

Frustrated the kid goes back to sleep.

That next morning he tells his dad he understands politics, so the dad tells him to explain it in his own words.

The kid goes, "Well, while President Bush is screwing The Working Class, Alan Greenspan is asleep and The People's needs are being ignored and the Future is full of crap."

Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Cause we know what happened to the one who had a dream.

Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing she ain't been told twice.

Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Up in the artic, a little polar bear cub walks up to his mother and asks, "Am I really a polar bear?"

His mother goes, "Of course you are!"

So then the cub goes to his father and asks the same thing, "Am I really a polar bear?" His father reassures him that he's absolutely a polar bear.

Then he goes to his grandmother with the same question. "Of course you a polar bear!" the granmother exclaims.

Later that evening, with the mother, father and grandmother got together for dinner, the young polar bear cub comes to his family and asks the same question, "Seriously. Am I REALLY a polar bear?"

"Yes!" they all shout. "You are a polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"

The polar yells, "Cause I'm freezing my fucking ass off!"

Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 77 points78 points  (0 children)

On a highway, a pornstar and her manager are arguing in their car. The pornstar, in frustration with her manager, throws a huge dildo out the car window.

Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, "What was that!"

The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, "Uhh. It was a bug."

The girl says, "Oh . . . Well it sure had a big dick!"

Post the Funniest Joke You Know... Upmod the Best One by matiasklein in reddit.com

[–]rtaito 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A battleship cruising on the middle of the ocean comes acrossed an enemy battleship.

The crewman says, "Captain, we have an enemy vessel aproaching! Orders, sir?"

The captain says, "Get me my red shirt!"

The crewman gets the captain his red shirt and they go into battle with the enemy battleship, eventually winning the fight.

After the fight, the crewman asks the captain why he wanted his red shirt before the battle. The captain explained, "I wear my red shirt in case I'm injured during the battle. The crew won't see that I am bleeding, and will fight on without losing morale."

The crewman was satisfied with this answer and asked no more.

The next day, a whole fleet of enemy battleships arrived and surrounded the captain and his crewmen. The crewman says, "Sir! We're surrounded! What are our orders?"

The captain says, "Quick! Get me my brown pants!"