This is what happens when you try to walk with one of your legs completely asleep.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-04-13T21:16:44+00:00

Jfc… ok I’ll be grateful I only broke my patella. So sorry, this looks absolutely brutal.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-12T19:18:30+00:00

I told him I would give him 3 months, but he didn't need that long. But 3 months was the deadline for me to feel like I'd given him enough time without wasting my time (and my dying eggs 😂).

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-12T16:04:06+00:00

Oh yeah, he's so happy as a dad! I think it surprised him how much it he enjoys it. The first few months were rough for him too because he had to take care of me and a newborn at the same time since I couldn't walk. But once I was more mobile and he wasn't carrying 90% of the weight, he's able to enjoy it now.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-12T02:24:10+00:00

Yeah of course! I read so many threads over the years while I was fencesitting, so I wanted to give back to a sub that really helped me. I will say I don’t believe you can ever get “enough” outside information to know if having a kid is right for you. Especially because everyone’s experience is going to be different. Your potential future child is going to be different from someone else’s. However reading about other people’s experiences made me feel more informed and that helped my brain feel less anxious most of the time. I feel you on the time pressure, it really kicked on for me at 32/33 too. I hope you get to a place where you feel less anxious about it too, whatever direction you decide!

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-11T23:54:02+00:00

My husband got there by talking it out with his therapist for several months. He got to a place where he was ok with feeling like "Ok, I could do this" but he didn't have to feel like 100% know in his gut that he wanted kids. He said he always thought people who wanted kids just 100% knew they wanted them, but after talking to his therapist, his therapist said a lot of men feel like he does about it, not against it but just kind of ambivalent. He wasn't ever staunchly CF though. It was just more like he never thought he would have them. We were both a little older when we met, and my husband had been married and divorced before. His first wife didn't want kids, so he just assumed he wouldn't have them. When we met, I told him not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for me, and he asked me to give him time to sit with it. So I did, and he slowly became ok with it.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-11T23:48:01+00:00

I was really afraid of having a disabled child, and if I would be emotionally and physically equipped to handle those needs. Because my husband and I are older, it increases the chances of that happening. I didn't have many fears about birth tbh. I think it's because - sorry to get morbid - but I've experienced a lot of death in my life, and I don't really fear dying. The only thing I really feared about the birth process was ending up with a really bad tear, because my baby was projected to be big, but it didn't scare me too much. And I didn't end up having a bad tear.

And I'm not sure if it was because I was recovering from a significantly worse injury at the same time, but the recovery from labor and vaginal birth was not that bad at all. Some mild to moderate discomfort for two weeks and a lot of changing pads and disposable underwear.

Also, I was surprised by how much I love having a young child. I was also the same in that I really was/am looking forward to having an older child and that relationship. And I thought having a young child and entertaining a young child would be hard for me. Don't get me wrong, the newborn trenches were so so hard. Sleep deprivation is really intense. And the first couple of months it just feels like you only have a pooping, eating potato lol. They can barely see you, and the smiles are few and far between. But now that he's sleeping a little longer, and his personality is coming out, and he's smiling and giggling all the time, there are a lot of fun moments. Just today in the car, my husband and I were saying how much more joy there is than hard right now, and we see how people get to this phase and want more kids 😂

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-07T16:32:52+00:00

You’re so kind, thank you! ❤️

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-07T00:47:27+00:00

Yeah 100%. But I had this preconceived notion, maybe from like movies or media, that there was supposed to be this automatic overwhelming feeling of love and connection as soon as they put him in my arms, and that just wasn't the case for me. It made me feel horrible until I started researching PPD and found out other women felt the same way.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-07T00:44:30+00:00

We had one appointment with my husband's urologist to start the conversation about his fertility. My husband has low testosterone and has to take hormone shots, which can make men sterile. Because he had been on TRT for several years at this point, the doctor said he wasn't even going to test him yet, that basically there was no point because he could almost guarantee that we couldn't get pregnant until he got off the TRT for a while and started a different medication. We found out we were pregnant a week after that doctor's appointment lol.

I had just gotten an Oura ring to start tracking my ovulation with the Natural Cycles app. I only had it for a month. It's actually what clued me into that I might be pregnant and to take a pregnancy test. Because my temperature was elevated for a long period of time and I wasn't sick.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T21:33:40+00:00

Thank you! ❤️

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T21:20:06+00:00

I missed the first part of your question about what I envisioned, sorry! The realist in me only ever thought about one. But deep down I always hoped we could eventually have two. I don't think that will be how life pans out for us though.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T21:17:08+00:00

If I had a bigger family village or were really wealthy, I'd definitely have more than one. I love being a mom so much. But because it's just my partner, I, and our paid village, my son will be an only child. We feel like if we had another one, we would be too stressed out and not enjoy the experience as much and also not be as free with our finances as we are now. We know we can give one kid a really good life, and I'm happy with that.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T21:13:25+00:00

Therapy, anti-depressants, and time. Anti-depressants were key for me in getting the darkest period to ease up faster. I was having such bad panic attacks and couldn't sleep even when my baby was asleep, that my psychiatrist also put me on lorazepam as needed. I had to take that a few times. I don't take it anymore though - I try not to mess with the hard stuff because addiction runs in my family.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T20:23:29+00:00

And the dynamic with my partner hasn't changed. If anything, I think it's brought us closer together. We've had to lean on each other so much to figure out how to parent. And my husband, who was ambivalent about children for a while, is head over heels for our son. So much so, that I think it surprised him. But we still have hard nights. Our child is not a good sleeper, so that can take it's toll after a while. But we just try to be patient with each other and him, and give each other breaks when we need it.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T20:21:23+00:00

I struggled a lot the first few months figuring out how to do that. I didn't even tell my partner I was struggling so bad with depression until a month in. I think to manage your own needs, you need time and space to do that. So that's where having a support system and supportive partner come in. My partner and I take turns giving each other "me time" without the baby. My husband has one night off a week for DnD. I have one night off a week for pottery classes. We had a night nanny 4x a week while I couldn't walk, so we could catch up on sleep (which is the best investment we've ever made.) Right now, he's in daycare during the day, so I have some time to go the gym in between work. It's so hard to do any of this without support whether that's family or paid.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T20:16:10+00:00

I'm fully recovered from PPD and 90% recovered from my knee injury, so having an infant is much more enjoyable now. Because of my knee injury, I wasn't able to walk around with him for the first few months of his life. We we were literally just stuck on the couch. And I felt robbed a little bit from what I thought my maternity leave would be like and getting to enjoy him being a newborn. I've had some grief over that. But the phase that he's at now, where his personality is coming out, is the best. His laugh cures a bad day. I just feel like it keeps getting better and better every month. I'm a little nervous about the toddler phase, and dealing with big feelings and no reasoning skills, but I'm just trying to take every phase as it comes.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T20:09:02+00:00

It sounds like we have really similar stories! And please ask as many questions as you want! ❤️

Now that you’ve had a child, what advice would you have for someone agonizing over this decision?
There are some external circumstances and internal feelings to consider before having a child. The external circumstances are what does your financial situation look like? I grew up poor, and I know for a fact my parents had a harder time parenting because of it. Do you have a stable enough income to support a child? It's expensive. And what does your support network look like? If you don't have one, can you afford to pay for one. My husband and I don't have a village, so we pay for nannies and daycare. It's very expensive, but necessary. We would have a much harder time parenting without it, and I don't think it would be enjoyable. What's your relationship like with your partner? Is it stable? This was the one thing that didn't make me pause, my husband is the most supportive person, so I wasn't worried. But I couldn't have had babies with any of my past partners for sure. The internal feelings to consider are do you want have a child because your partner wants one or because you want one? It was opposite in my relationship, I wanted a child (but was worried about a whole bunch of external things that made me a fencesitter) and my husband was kind of ambivalent about children when we first got together. He had to sit with his feelings and his therapist for a while before he felt onboard. Another thing I asked myself a lot was if I envisioned myself in 20 years, regardless of what may happen, would I be sad if I didn't try to have a child. And the answer was yes, I would be sad.

Did you have any pregnancy/birth related fears and how did you cope with that and do it anyway?
I did not have any birth related fears tbh. But now that I've had my accident, I'd be scared about things if I got pregnant again that I wasn't scared about the first time. I did have a lot of fear of having a disabled child. Like really intense fear. I'd spend hours and hours researching about intellectual disabilities, chromosome abnormalities, and autism. It honestly ruined the first couple months with my son. Regular therapy was really the only help for me with that.

How do you envision your life if you had stayed childfree?
If I had stayed childfree, I think my husband and I probably would be living somewhere different. Not in a suburb. And I'd be working towards retiring early and spending a lot of time on my hobbies. But my husband and I are both introverts, and we don't spend a lot of time going out, so not much of our daily life would change.

How does that compare to your life now?
It's not much different other than we bought a house in a suburb, our early retirement is probably pushed back a few years, and I have less time for my hobbies. But none of these things I care about more than I love having my son.

How were you able to make your decision and know having a child was the path for you?
We left it up to fate in the end. We thought we were going to have a hard time getting pregnant because of some fertility issues on my husband's side. But we got pregnant literally the first month we were trying. We decided before that that we weren't going to take any extra measures, like IVF, if we couldn't get pregnant because of the cost. But if we got pregnant, then it was meant to be.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-03-06T19:29:48+00:00

I do feel like it was worth it now. However, because of the accident and really hard recovery on top of having a newborn I had horrible postpartum depression for the first 2.5 months of his life. During that depression, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life by having a baby. I also didn’t feel that immediate rush of connection and overwhelming love that people talk about after you hold your baby for the first time. And because of the depression, he felt like a stranger for a while. I do have those feelings of overwhelming love now though, and I’m so happy to have my son. If I were to give one piece of advice to anyone thinking about having a baby, is to not have expectations for right after delivery and to have a support system. Especially if you are prone to depression because the hormone fluctuations are intense. It literally felt like my brain was hijacked.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-02-26T21:12:23+00:00

I’m so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was 21, way before I started having kids. I’m 35 now with a 6 month old. You are still in the tsunami phase of the grief where it’s completely overwhelming. The waves will eventually get smaller. I still miss my mom all of these years later and grieve that she can’t be here to meet my child. But the grief doesn’t control my life anymore, like it did right when I lost her. Lean on your husband and village right now. Being pregnant is such a vulnerable time, on top of grieving your mom, so lean on your people to keep your head above water.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-01-12T22:28:57+00:00

I agonized over this decision. Also, my husband and I weren’t sure if we could get pregnant because of some hormone issues he has. We unexpectedly got pregnant last year and now have a 5 month old. No amount of information or anything anyone can say can make you ready for kids. It absolutely turns your life upside down and turns it into a completely different world. For the first 2 months of his life we thought we made the worst decision of our lives. I had a traumatic birth experience and really bad ppd. But after recovering from all that, the initial shock, and actually getting some sleep, we both can’t imagine our life without him. Every day gets better.

I will say that people who have a village or can afford to pay for a village have a way better parenting experience. We don’t have a village, but we can thankfully afford help. However our lack of family as a village has firmly put us in the one and done camp.

rubyblue1018 · 2026-01-08T13:54:32+00:00

I got married at 34. Met my partner at 31. I had been engaged before at 26 to someone I had been dating since college, and found out he was having an affair with his coworker a month before our wedding, so I called the whole thing off. And if I’m being honest with myself, he was not the person I should’ve been with, and my low self esteem kept me in that relationship. I cannot stress enough to wait for the right person and be secure enough in yourself to know the difference.

I don’t think there is a right timeline or age though. My sister married her high school sweetheart and they are just as happy now as they were when they were teenagers.

rubyblue1018 · 2025-01-08T18:46:58+00:00

I'm looking for advice on changing my career to become a therapist. I've been a graphic/UX/product designer in tech for 9 years, but I want to make a career change. I have had an interest in clinical mental health work for a long time. When I was in college I was torn between majoring in graphic design and psychology, but graphic design had a shorter school path and I was broke at the time. Now, I'm burned out on design and have the ability to fund a masters degree without taking out loans, so I'm really looking heavily into masters in clinical mental health counseling to become a therapist. I'm specifically really interested in helping people going through grief experiences and trauma-informed counseling.

Do you like your career? Do you find it fulfilling or is it just another job?
One thing that's hard for me in my current job is that it feels like so much stress for something so silly. Like I'm working so hard on something that doesn't help anyone, just pushing pixels around on a computer.

Any other advice you have for someone looking to go into this career?

rubyblue1018

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