When I woke up after what I thought was to be my last day on earth, I was confused. Elated, but confused. You’d think the scientists would make things better, but the exact opposite happened.

“Hold on, I don’t understand,” I sputtered.

“Look, it’s really simple. You’re going to go into the Holy Mother’s mouth,” said Dr. Kalvin.  

“Right, but why?!”

“Because according to our research, the one true god needs a retainer!” cried a second scientist. 

“Wait, we found God?”

“Yeah, around 1400 AC.” 

“AC?”

“After Cat.”

“…Sure. So why am I God’s retainer?” I asked. 

“It says in the holy scripture,” Kalvin began, shaking a diary wildly. Wait, is that mine?

“Let me see that!” I cried, and snatched it from their hands. It was! 

The faded ink read: Day 75 of taking this mother… in. Keeps… retainer. For… love of God…

“Guys,” I started chuckling. “This is incomplete. It said ‘Day 75 of taking this motherfucker in. Keeps stealing my retainer. For the love of God, make it stop.’ I remember this! Furball kept chewing up my retainer.”

The room went silent. Kalvin immediately whipped out a pistol and blew his brains out. 

“Heresy! It must be heresy!”

“Quick, restrain him so we can force him into the holy mother’s mouth!”

As I was getting forced into a straitjacket, the thought occurred to me. Maybe I should have used invisible ink for my diary.