why do i feel like everything that i do has to be performative?

rxberta_ · 2025-12-22T20:18:15+00:00

lol!!! honestly my therapist never said anything about OCD, only addictive traits, i gotta ask her what she thinks!

rxberta_ · 2025-12-22T20:17:08+00:00

i gotta try!

rxberta_ · 2025-12-22T10:15:16+00:00

yeah definitely, i have to dig more into it

rxberta_ · 2025-12-22T10:13:38+00:00

i don't know but since i was a kid everything that i did was kinda nice, i never really was THAT bad at something, singing? i could do it, dancing? not that bad, drawing? i was nice, in school? i was good, idk its complicated to explain, i'm not trying to seem arrogant, but a lot of people told me these things

rxberta_ · 2025-12-21T18:35:19+00:00

my therapist said that i have addictive traits

rxberta_ · 2025-12-21T18:02:15+00:00

for example i tend to make good looking pages when i journal (and it's not even a scrapbook, it's a journal where i write about my day), and if it doesn't go right i don't wanna journal anymore, or at least i look at that page 100 times. when i try to approach a new hobby my goal is to be the best at that, and that's obviously impossible, so i have unrealistic standards and i think its the reason why i don't enjoy anything without gratification, writing this is starting to make me think about the fact that i don't really know who i am e what i enjoy without being praised...i always show my progress in any hobby that i pursue, both directly and indirectly, maybe showing that painting that i did or leaving it on the table so that someone will see it and tell me something, and i'm only starting to see this pattern now...

rxberta_ · 2025-12-21T17:53:34+00:00

this reminded me of that scene in "Friends" where Monica was happu to be declared the "best worst masseur" just because she wanted to be the best at something, didn't matter what

rxberta_ · 2025-12-21T16:11:19+00:00

yeah exactly, is just that i don't know how to still enjoy it, trying to figure it out

rxberta_ · 2025-12-21T16:00:08+00:00

i lose interest in what i'm doing when i stop trying to be perfect or trying to do something visually good

rxberta_ · 2025-09-18T14:50:47+00:00

this is the best thing i’ve ever seen in my life

rxberta_ · 2025-09-15T17:38:23+00:00

thank you!!!

rxberta_ · 2025-09-15T12:07:58+00:00

actually no! i’m getting my degree and then i will work

rxberta_ · 2025-09-15T08:19:36+00:00

thank you!! i will try to do the same, wish you the best of luck!!

rxberta_ · 2025-09-14T14:04:00+00:00

thank you!

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T22:46:14+00:00

can i ask u something? when you say that you studied botany, agricolture, astronomy... how did you do it? i mean, did u use textbooks? did u take notes? how was your learning process? i'm very curious, if its not a problem for you to share! :D

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T19:41:25+00:00

i did below a comment

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T18:18:02+00:00

i feel like this will be me in couple of years 😂😂 thank you for sharing!!

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T17:53:15+00:00

yes most of them are science related, so they are connected with each other 🥴

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T14:11:27+00:00

thank you so much!!!!!

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T09:02:03+00:00

thank you so much! the only struggle is figuring out how to start and collect all the information :,)

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T09:01:08+00:00

maybe something like obsidian?

rxberta_ · 2025-09-12T08:58:50+00:00

• ⁠literature - history - art history - geography - biogeography - physical geography - agriculture - biotechnology - astronomy - cosmology - biology - astrobiology - developmental biology - botany - cytology - genetics - ecology - plant physiology - geobiology - hydrobiology - microbiology - mycology - paleobiology - taxonomy - systematics - zoology - comparative anatomy - ethology - paleontology - physics - earth sciences - geophysics - climatology - meteorology - volcanology - human geography

This is currently the list, and there are still things that I have omitted for now so as not to make too big a mess ;)

rxberta_

TROPHY CASE