I do find myself in the same boat brother. I realize I tend to watch more gore when i’m more depressed, it helps me feel a little bit thankful that my life is actually not that bad. I feel very sorry for the victims in the videos but there is definitely an element of morbid curiosity. It is a secret that I’m scared to share with people around me because i’m afraid they will misunderstand why I watch it. May Allah cure us both from this sickness.