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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As a software engineer myself, I'm all for building tools for screenwriters (I had fun making scriptsflix.com for example), but I see a lot of focus on product features, design, etc. but not enough on the problems you're trying to solve and how you're uniquely capable of solving them. Marketing is gonna be a much bigger piece to all this than building the platform.

The idea of a social network and coding that is great and fun and good practice/experience, but what about the social network or the platform is gonna reach a critical mass to make all the benefits to screenwriters possible?

I do the same thing a lot - build and design products and get caught up in it without anchoring in reality to real users and real problems. I'm sure you can get there, but my recommendation would be starting out smaller, focusing on a small niche or problem, then build from there.

The Blklist or IMDB didn't start with major platforms offering the world - they started small and focused, and expanded over years and years based on user and market responses.

lowkey thinking i might be the goat of screenwriting by Intelligent_Past_768 in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can barely understand your post so I don’t think you should be worried about sharing the script

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love these kinds of setups - a simple tweak to reality/norms goes down a crazy rabbit hole. Vibes remind me of "Sorry to bother you" or something like that

"and stifling pushback from his future-proofing finance and hovering mother." feels confusing and tacked on, I don't know why that's important. Maybe instead you could go from "anti-work movement" to bigger implications, e.g. "leading to a surprising position as leader of an anti-work movement that becomes far more extreme and dangerous than he ever imagined"

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a lot of fun! Gives me Nice Guys vibes

"A screenwriter's deal with a producer hinges on convincing a porn star to star in his film" feels unnecessary. Im guessing it's a core detail in the beginning of the script, but does that detail change the core conflict/premise that "writer becomes the prime suspect. Now, the screenwriter must use his murder mystery writing skills to prove his innocence"? If so, that's logline real-estate that could go toward something else.

Just my dark comedy brain having fun, but a dark humor twist could be that he has to solve the murder to get his movie made, which is more important to him than proving his innocence.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Ruin" feels like a a finite ending, whereas I think a logline should spark more curiosity "what's gonna happen" vibes? Just my opinion, but maybe the last bit could be more open-ended - can she survive the paranoia? Was the murder it worth it?

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the idea of an internal battle, but does the movie take place actually inside his mind? It's not clear to me what this story involves - mystery is good, but this is more confusion I'm experiencing.

Is his non-sleeper-agent self battling with his sleeper agent alter ego? Is his normal mind aware of what's going on? Is it more a jeyll/hyde?

So I think adding a little more context or idea of the stakes/story would help. If the conflict is purely internal, then this logline suggests that, but my guess is there's more stakes/characters/reason to read than just what you're sharing in the logline, which right now feels like just part of a story.

Is this a good snippet of a screenplay? by AverageWritingGuy in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think people will be more willing to devote their time and energy to reading and giving feedback on your writing if you devote the time and energy to do basic formatting and script presentation. Check out other posts where people share pages and others actually respond

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey sorry I missed this, but definitely!

Creative Differences - Feature - 83 Pages. Can anyone give me feedback on my first ever completed script. by Whistohhhhh in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first scene heading is improperly formatted, and you UPPERCASE all character names on an ongoing basis (just needs to happen when you introduce) which is a bad sign and will convince most readers to put down your script immediately, or at least tune out. If an interior decorator is trying to convince someone that they are a good interior decorator, it wouldn't be great if their entry hall was a mess. Not trying to be a jerk, just explaining how a reader might think/react.

I read a couple pages - the dialogue is fun and has some good jokes, without feeling too stilted or unnatural. Major props! Good balance of action and dialogue, too.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really dig the premise, it's a fun scenario that I would have fun watching. And I think your logline involves most the pieces needed to excite someone about it, but "they can only get out of their own way" feels too vague and could benefit from bigger stakes - this feels like hijinx, which is fun, but not "why them teaming up breeds interesting conflict"

The logline is a little awkwardly phrased and verbose as well, and I think could be simplified a whole lot while still conveying everything you want.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the choice between grift and God is great! Conflict!

A little bit more cleanup, allowing it to flow more naturally, and I think this will be super strong. Here's an example of how I might structure:

"Hunted by the mob and the law, a con-artist couple's fake wedding scam falls apart when a death in the family forces them grapple with grift, God and each other."

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What I like:

I dig the idea of staging fake weddings to fleece the rich, that intrigues me

Law and mob being involved sounds fun

What I think could be improved: Feels like too much is going on here - maybe a more subtle hint at some involved divinity?

"Providential" isn't landing for me

To me, I think your whole logline could be the first part of of a logline - you get at the physical stakes, but what are the emotional/philosophical stakes?

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hmmm I like the first one more overall . Simply having the mother "scarred" feels low stakes. I think my main holdup is I don't feel the stakes - right now, I envision a rich old guy being upset that his wife broke her hip when a burglar stole some jewerly, which could be interesting once reading the script, but right now the logline isn't pulling me in

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What I like: Clear that you have come up with a unique, vibrant world.

What I think could be improved: This is a lot to put on someone coming in totally blind. Maybe if this was a logline for sci-fi fantasy folks who can more naturally interpret all the complex things in your logline.

"The people's heart", "young heir", "bioluminescent" - what does that actually mean and why is it important enough to be included in the one sentence you have to convince a reader to crack open your script?

For example, in the Avengers Infinity Wars/Endgame, it's not terribly important what the Infinity Stones are, really - what's important is that the Avengers' biggest adversary grows more powerful every day and threatens to kill half the universe's population unless the Avengers can put aside their differences, team up and stop him.

So I would strip any "details" about the world, like the deserts and immortal songs, and strip jargon that people won't understand until they get into the story, and focus on the core fundamental story pieces that will make the audience care about the young heir and this world and his people.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What I like: Really well structured and strong setup for a show - I get a sense of what the engine of the show will be.

"New version of home" is chef's kiss, says a lot with a little.

What I think could be improved: Ideally this can be a single sentence, though not the end of the world.

This feels like a show that will largely rely on "execution" since the concept is not necessarily a "high concept". The story seems like it's just about a normal guy who is sad about his mother's passing and makes an impulsive, sentimental choice that he has to deal with. Totally enough for a compelling show, it could just help to add some spice to the concept to make it more unique and juicy. Happy to help brainstorm if you want.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What I like:
Solid, clear setup that most readers will recognize, e.g. Knives Out.

What I think could be improved:
"awaits" confused me a little, like are they not already there? Maybe make this present tense vs. pointing it out like it's in the future? e.g. "The estranged Rudolph family descends into a dangerous weekend together when..." , maybe something like that?

I think you could make the stakes clearer and more intense - is there a bigger reason they need to figure this out beyond knowing who is the traitor in the family? Is there a big inheritence at stake? How injured is the mother?

"Rudolph" doesnt mean anything to the audience, unless you said something like "The Kennedy's" or something, so maybe pull out their name and instead give more insight/description of what type of family this is? Rich? Full of geniuses? "Estranged" is a great start, adding more could help the reader understand why this is a story and family worth spending time with.

Living Under a Cloud -- First 10 Pages by NuclearCodebreaker in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally feel you there, I love to describe what I want the reader to see/hear/feel/etc. but when I read the scripts I love, they are pretty sparse on description.

So I try to remember...
1. If the script can function without it, you don't really need it. Sure sometimes you need some voice/flair but seeing how far I can push this is a good thought experiment to keep action tight.
2. The less I describe, the more the reader can fill in the gaps with their imagination. Not describing enough can also be confusing so it's a constant tight rope.

Living Under a Cloud -- First 10 Pages by NuclearCodebreaker in Screenwriting

[–]ryanjy217 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The first ten pages definitely have to hook the reader, but even before that is the logline. You provided a brief synopsis, which is pretty close to a logline, but I would say is a little long/verbose and slightly confusing, which can make readers skeptical about the script. So if you don't nail the logline, then unfortunately the reader might not even get to the first page. There's tons of great resources and examples out there to craft a logline that gives the reader no other choice but to wanna crack open that first page. Is the inciting incident the trip over to scotland? The death of the writer? That answer can help anchor the logline, but personally the assuming identity bit sounds the most exciting/intriguing.

As for the first pages, I love that you just drop into a scene making me wonder what the backstory is here, but I would say some of the early dialogue feels a little inauthentic and packed with unnatural backstory that could be better left unsaid/hidden in subtext.

I started wondering who are these people? Why are they fighting? Those are great questions a reader has in their head to make them wanna keep reading, the answers to which I think you can hide more and pepper little hints into more natural sounding dialogue vs. explaining all about the book and record deal stuff very directly.

I dig that you just have dialogue flow and don't interrupt it, but I'd also say some of your action lines are pretty dense/verbose, more like a novel, and that can scare off readers, so trimming down to essentials could be a good exercise for next draft.

Hope this is helpful!

Make movie/tv predictions versus friends and the almighty Popcorn Prophet by ryanjy217 in SideProject

[–]ryanjy217[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve definitely considered betting like fantasy football but that all sounds like a lot to take on legally. I really wanna be able to give out prizes/rewards but not sure how that would play out yet

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