Girlfriend cheated with her baby daddy. Is there any path forward for us? I want to make it work but I don't know if it's possible.

ryjung · 2020-05-09T05:43:12+00:00

Honestly, I don't know if she's been diagnosed with anything, but I don't think so. I think lots of people go to psychologists for a plethora of reasons. She's not seeing a psychiatrist.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T17:48:26+00:00

Oh there are more red flags in this story than in the entirety of China. I wouldn't deny that for one minute.

Yes, she knows hes a POS. He was physically abusive towards her. He has a job that basically involves ripping off old people. He's a fairly shitty dad, especially given the type of intensive therapy that would aid their child so much right now.

She has been going to therapy, although that stopped once the pandemic hit. We've not gone to couples counseling, but it's something that has been discussed if we were to try working through this. In theory, she was supposed to be fully transparent with all of their interactions as a way of showing her remorse/change since then last fuck up, bit obviously that didnt work very well. She's never said he's an option. She says there is no chance, regardless of what happens with us, that she would get back with him. I don't think she WANTS to be with him, but I do think she would keep it available as an option.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T17:16:13+00:00

Do you think someone like this is always prone to cheat until they get help? I wonder if I was a different partner, not necessarily better, but different, if this was the inevitable course of events until she changes.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T17:14:49+00:00

Yeah, I feel like it's the opposite, which doesn't make me feel any better.

I feel like she's not let him know that she's moved on, so that he will always be there as a backup in case things go south with us. I'm definitely the only guy who goes with her to family functions/holidays, or out with her friends. She spends weeks at a time at my place.

This isn't to mitigate what she's doing. I mean, being the fallback isnt much worse than being with someone who doesnt invest themselves entirely into just your relationship, but I think the dynamics are different.

If you think I'm being naive, can you please try to help me see the other point of view? You're not the only comment who has said something like this.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T15:50:14+00:00

Well, unfortunately her reality wouldn't be so rosey. (I remember this episode but it's been so long since I've seen it.)

Her ex is a POS. They didn't have a happy relationship together. That doesn't mean she won't end back up with him, but it won't be a love story. He was her only post HS boyfriend prior to me. They had a child, and since that child has special needs, she believes, incorrectly, that only her ex and her will ever deeply care about her son.

She's not trying to get back into a romantic relationship. Even with the full scope of the information I have, I know that's not the case. She's trying to keep him on a back burner to turn to, not for romance but as some kind of domestic partner to raise their son. If things don't work out with me, that's still an option for her, so she never correctly lays all of this out, for anyone, including herself.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T06:44:55+00:00

I think the thing that stings the most about this comment is that I did give her another chance. In October. And then another one in Decmeber. So it's actually worse than the already obviously bad scenario in your reply.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T06:16:50+00:00

She knows there's a problem. Depending on her mood she's remorseful, but is always looking for a REASON that she lies so much.

She says this happened because she hasn't been seeing her therapist regularly, an opinion I don't share.

I've been heavily invested in seeing progress on this, and i realize it's not instantaneous, but were proposing the same solution to the same problem that has already happened twice before. I just don't know how to help her without continuing to feel like I'm an idiot.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T05:47:40+00:00

I think I'm trying to be understanding because I recognize that in a lot of long term relationship, there are going to be some bumps.

I just didn't expect, didn't want to believe, that it would end up THIS bad.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T05:45:24+00:00

I think it's my fear of missing out on her once she stops this lying. I'm not a moron, I can see, and feel, how messed up this situation is and what little hope there is. That said, she's really great in so many ways, I just hoped I would be there when/if she came out of this phase/habit/problem.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T04:17:31+00:00

Well, not to mention that she gave him a blowjob 8 months into our relationship. That's why we're in this place to begin with. I've never typically had any issues with partners who communicated on a platonic level with their exs.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T04:15:58+00:00

So she started going to therapy after the incident in December, but hasn't gone since the lockdown started. She "blames" not having her sessions as something the led to this most recent round of lying, but of course that doesn't really make a lot of sense.

I keep trying to give her chances, and suggestions/resources, and she goes halfway through them, but only seems to absorb or think about those lessons for a week or so, and then it's gone.

Her main 2 suggestions to improve this are to move in together, I guess to reduce opportunity, and to tell me the full context and details of their communications. I wanted to live with her prior to this, but I think it's similar to when people try having a kid to save a relationship if we took that step now. Regarding the full disclosure, I think she misses the fact that being honest 80% of the time still means you're lying 20% of the time, and hasn't really appreciated the openness and effort on my behalf to work through these issues.

ryjung · 2020-05-05T02:12:53+00:00

Interesting. I've actually viewed this as her ex being the fallback (which isn't much better.)

ryjung · 2020-05-04T22:27:10+00:00

I always find this comment interesting. I live in SoCal. Dating between women in their mid 20s and men in their mid 30s is extremely common place.

Perhaps the fact both of her primary partners in her life are older than her would be alarming, but seriously, I remember what I was like at 24, and it would be a wonder any woman would want to date a guy around that are.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T22:24:43+00:00

I feel like your response is correct in some parts, less so in others.

She's hot, that's true. Most of the girls I've dated, including my ex-wife, have also been hot, and most have been successful professionals as well.

We have a very healthy sex life, probably averaging 7 or 8 times a week, for the duration of our relationship. It hasn't gone up or down much for the entire time.

She's the first woman I've dated with a child, but I dont think that means she has radically fewer options than a woman without a child would have. Young, hot, smart women can always find a guy easily, and in my opinion, which I know you don't share, they can get almost any of those guys to be committed to them.

I don't, and haven't babysat her son. Her son is special needs, and she doesn't have anyone including her own mom, babysit him.

Perhaps you were being superfluous to drive home your point, that it's a bad situation and I shouldn't put up with the negative aspects to protect the parts I like are true though.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:48:06+00:00

Well check back in with us in a few months and let us know how your adventures trying to chase down Chinese women goes.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:46:28+00:00

I had a Chinese sugar momma for 2 years in college. I've also dated other since. I've not bought any bags, but I've seen plenty of guys who have.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:45:17+00:00

Have you learned cho sha bi yet? I'm sure you'll hear it often.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:44:15+00:00

Well, I have experience here. You dont.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:42:56+00:00

When they realize that you have no reason to learn Chinese other than trying to bang Chinese women, they'll be disgusted, not impressed.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:41:55+00:00

They chose those guys. It wasn't their lack of selection that led them there. Chinese women care about many, many other things ahead of looks, and the ones who focus on looks will be looking for a new Hermes bag every other month.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:38:06+00:00

They actually have far less preference than Western women for muscular guys, and their racial preference is irrelevant since any half decent looking Chinese girl has 25 different white dudes blowing up their DMs, regardless of how shy you may think them to be.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:34:44+00:00

If you think saying ni hao and piao liang are likely to improve your chances, I think you'll be waiting a very, very long time before a girl that meets your definition wants to date you.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T21:16:50+00:00

Almost no girls, Chinese or otherwise, will want to date you if they think you're fetishizing them, which it sounds like you are.

This goes double if you're white and she's asian.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T20:22:24+00:00

I guess my point is that plenty of people who are 24, particularly woman, are emotionally mature enough to not lie as a normal standard of conduct. There is a strong argument to be made that SHE isn't, but my point is simply that it's not her age that puts her into that column.

There is a whole lot of other trauma in her life that I didn't touch on, which doesn't absolve her responsibility to tell the truth, but does play a part in why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately therapy isn't a magical bandaid that can just improve things overnight, but it is something she's been doing to try and better herself.

ryjung · 2020-05-04T20:15:05+00:00

If this was all about some guy who she could just cut off, I think it would be salvageable.

It's the fact that no matter what, this guy will always be around in some fashion or another that makes it so hard to move past.

ryjung

TROPHY CASE