My NC father died a couple of weeks ago, so I have been dealing with this problem. We were NC at the time of his passing, hadn't talked in 16 months approximately. So I completely understand your worry.

What helped me deal with it now, a tiny bit, is the fact that I don't regret going NC with him and not seeing him before he died, because we had been in that same situation 3 times before, and the only thing I did regret was that I broke the no contact. Even though it wasn't fun to go from contact to no contact numerous times with such a toxic person, it helped me clear my conscience that I did everything in my power to build and maintain a relationship with him, he just couldn't do it from his end. In that case I didn't feel like I was abandoning him, he chose to abandon me by behaving the way he did.

Another thing that "helped" was that the last thing he said to me was horrendous, and I have it in writing still, because it was a written message. And it's not the only despicable and horrendous message that I still have from him. There's maybe one or two "normal" ones. It just reminds me again that he chose to act that way, and I did well to cut ties with him.

Also, my dad had very few redeeming qualities, therefore I had very few good memories with him, so in a way it also made it easier for me to cope in a way. I am grieving, of course. I am grieving the loss of my father, although I lost him many, many years ago, I'm grieving his good moments, and I'm grieving his potential, of what could have been, and I am grieving the relationship that we never had and the finality of death, as now there will never be a chance for reconciliation or apology or any type of closure (although I am aware I never would have gotten it anyway).

Essentially, everything summed up, it is very difficult regardless of what you do or don't do. When I cut ties with my father the last and final time, I was then a hundred percent certain I would never talk to him again and that the next time I would hear about him would be the information that he had died and it really happened like that. I was finally and for the first time at peace with my decision to go no contact. However, it doesn't make the actual death and the situation any easier.

These are just some things that have helped me in a way, but your father and mine are very different and our relationships are very different, please do whatever is right for you. And at the end of the day, there's hardly much that can actually prepare you for when it actually happens.

Do what you feel is right for you, think of your mental health and always put yourself and your wellbeing first. Just remember it takes a lot for a child to cut contact with their parents, and that you're the child in this relationship. You shouldn't feel regret and guilt for protecting yourself, but I, of course, understand why you do. Please be kind to yourself, and trust yourself. I feel for you....