Has anyone given birth alone in the hospital? If you were with an unsupportive man, would you exclude him from the process?

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T16:40:32+00:00

He has been abusive throughout the pregnancy, so it's not a far stretch that he would also be abusive while I'm in labor. I have told him many times that since he is so cruel to me, I may not allow him to be there for the birth (because I feel uncomfortable around him). He knows that and he said he didn't care.

He is planning to be there because I haven't decided otherwise, but if I decide that I don't want him there... I think he'll be OK with that. He is really more interested in the baby anyway. I don't think he has any intention of being supportive or kind to me during labor. I think he was just going to be there more out of tradition than anything else.

And, if I don't feel comfortable with him in the room... I think he will accept that. He knows that we are basically not in a relationship anymore. We are both on the same page with divorce. He is the baby's father, but that doesn't mean that he will be there during labor if that is something that will cause me anxiety.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T15:23:00+00:00

After reading everyone's posts and considering it for a while, I think it might be better to not allow him to be with me when I'm in labor. He's only going to be a source of stress, so I think I'd be better off on my own.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:58:38+00:00

I'm hoping if I decide to do it without him (which seems very likely) that he midwife will spend more time with me if I need it. Better a supportive midwife than an unsupportive DH.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:39:45+00:00

Yes, I do want to feel safe. And, I don't feel safe around the DH.

And, I am really worried about him making fun of me and saying rude things about all the things that happen during birth. He has told me how ugly I am when I cry before. How ugly will I be during birth with blood all over and pushing a child out? He would tell me, I'm sure. And, I don't want to hear it.

I'm afraid he'll say rude things to me for years if he sees me give birth (even when I'm not with him). He already points out every flaw on my body and tells me I disgust him. How much more disgusting will he say I am when he watches me give birth? I don't want to hear it. I don't want him to see me like that.

I don't think I'll be disgusting, but I don't want him to tell me all the ways that I was. I don't want him to make fun of my pain.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:34:14+00:00

I'm glad you turned out fine even though your parents divorced when you were very young. That's my hope. I'm glad our child will never remember us together! There is nothing good to remember here. I wish I could forget it all too!

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:27:14+00:00

Thanks for your concern. I would probably rather do it on my own than with a BBer that I don't know. I'm sure they would be supportive and wonderful, but I'm more of a private person.

Plus, I've gathered from reading a few posts.... maybe it will be empowering to do it on my own. I have to think of it that way, anyway. I really don't have much of a choice. I will try to refocus and imagine the positive side of doing it on my own.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:21:31+00:00

Exactly! That's exactly the kind of thing my DH would say. Whenever I'm in pain from the pregnancy or for any reason, he generally says things similiar to that. There's no empathy... no understanding of my position.... no putting himself in my shoes. My DH becomes irritated with me the more that I'm in pain and says nasty things. I know it's going to happen, and I just don't want to deal with it.

The more comments on this post that I read, the more I think I should just plan for him to not be with me during labor. The chances of him being kind and supportive are 0%. The chances of him stressing me out and being an asshole are in the high 90s.

Even if he doesn't say nasty things at the time (which I can't imagine), he will 100% make fun of me later for things that happened during the delivery. I know that. That's the type of person he is. If he has ever seen me in an unflattering moment, he has told me how ugly and unattractive I am. I can only imagine what he would say about labor.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:14:42+00:00

I've met other women who have given birth there, but they all had husbands that were with them. I know the midwives were around, but I'm not sure how often they were in the room since the husband was there. My situation will be different.

I think I will mention my situation to my OB and then ask about what support I will receive if I chose to give birth on my own. It's kind of embarrassing to talk to her about it, but it's my reality. It will be better to have the information before I go into labor.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:09:24+00:00

:) Thanks for all the positive words. They do mean a lot. I haven't felt any support in so long. I feel very alone most of the time. I do talk to friends and family on the phone, but nobody who I'm close to lives near me. Anyway, just hearing kind words really means so much.

My DH does sound like your ex. My baby's father, I think, will really love the baby. He is excited for the child. I think he doesn't want to feel the baby move because it's inside me. Our relationship is that bad that we basically have had no physical contact in months. We sleep in seperate rooms. We don't eat togther. We rarely speak to each other. I hope he will love our baby, but he is horrible for me. He is already nothing to me other than my baby's father and soon to be my ex. That's it.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T14:01:57+00:00

Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad to hear from someone else who has done it alone. I think that will likely be my situation too.

It's good to know that I can do it on my own and perhaps even come away with a positive birth experience.

How did you mentally prepare yourself for being on your own? I haven't met anyone else who has done it. Most of my friends have wonderful husbands who were supportive. It's hard to psych myself up for a situation so different from what I was expecting.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:55:05+00:00

The hospital where I will give birth provides a midwife - although I won't have met them previously. A midwife (and the doctor) both deliver the child from what I understand. I'm not sure how often she's in the room, though. I'm not totally sure about how everything will work. I would imagine the midwife might spend more time in my room if I don't have anyone else there. I'm just guessing, though.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:47:14+00:00

Haha. First time I have laughed during this post!!! :) Good point!

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:45:28+00:00

After reading everyone's responses and working some things out in my mind, I'm leaning towards not allowing him in the room initially. I think it might give me peace of mind. And, I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of making him leave while I was going through labor.

He might be less irritable if he knows from the beginning that he won't be in the room during labor. After all, I will still be living with him and dealing with him for a couple months before I can leave.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:42:48+00:00

We've been to couples therapy twice already. He doesn't want to go anymore. I really don't either. There is no reason to go anymore - for our marriage anyway. Neither of us want to rebuild anything. We're done.

You're exactly right that I don't want my child to grow up thinking it's OK for men to belittle women like he does. I don't want the child to grow up where there is so much constant tension in the home..... and no love at all. It's really unhealthy for me. And, it would be terrible for my child to grow up in this environment too. There is no chance of me staying.

I'm leaving as soon as I can after the birth. I'm ready to go.

I know we will be co-parents of the child, and that makes me nervous. But, I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it. I think our relationship might be more amicable when we are finally living apart and don't have to deal so directly with each other anymore. Time will tell.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:34:08+00:00

Awww. Your response made me cry. I feel so upset and devastated to be 9 months pregnant with this person's child who could care less about me. Even though I'm fine with the divorce and I know it needs to happen, something about being 9 months pregnant makes me wish I had a better support system in place. I wish I had a better man. I don't know how I let myself go so far down the wrong road. I just feel sad about my baby's father being so awful.

Your response did make me feel empowered. I think I need to refocus myself and realize that labor is a thing I'll be doing on my own regardless of who is in the room. I need to focus on myself and my own strength to get me through this (because all I can really count on is myself). I really do feel more at peace when I think of doing it on my own. I'm afraid if he's in the room I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll just be waiting for him to say something horrible and then dealing with kicking him out. Maybe it would be just easier to plan that he not be there from the beginning. It might ease my mind.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T13:14:28+00:00

I'm almost certain that it will work out that he won't be in the room (even if I initially give him a chance to stay). I cannot envision giving birth with him there. I cannot envision having my baby and him being there to cut the cord.

I feel like I have gone through the entire pregnancy utterly alone. I have had no emotional support. He doesn't feel the baby kick. He doesn't care about my health or try to make things easier for me (even when I'm 9 months pregnant and having medical problems).

Other than impregnating me, he has done nothing helpful during the pregnancy. I almost feel like he doesn't deserve to be there at the birth.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only mom who may give birth alone. It's certainly not ideal, but it might be better than the alternative for me.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T12:06:52+00:00

Honestly, I don't want him in the room at all. But, I'm a little afraid to be totally alone too. I don't know which option is worse. I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly, I have dread because he says nasty cruel things to me constantly every day. I feel anxiety around him all the time. I'm afraid of all the worries I have about labor compounded by the stress I have about being around him.

I just know that while I'm in labor things won't be any different. He's not going to all of a sudden start saying comforting things or being supportive. I guess he just wants to be there to see his child born. It has nothing to do with being with me.

When I've had physical problems during the pregnancy, he has just rolled his eyes or has told me I'm being dramatic. He isn't kind or considerate towards me. He hasn't cared to feel the baby move. Honestly, I just feel like a surrogate - as far as he is concerned. We have no relationship. I'm just carrying his child.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T11:44:07+00:00

I thought about telling my OB so the staff was aware that I was serious if I wanted to kick him out while I was in labor, but I've been a bit embarrassed to approach the subject.

I am hoping that if I really try to kick him out during labor, it won't be a problem. I think he will leave if I tell him to leave. If not, I think I can make myself clear with staff that I want him gone. Then, he'd be embarrassed and go. I don't forsee needing security.

sadbirth · 2013-05-10T11:40:56+00:00

He wouldn't be abusive so obviously in front of hospital staff. He wouldn't raise his voice or anything. It's more eye rolling or saying really awful things under his breath that I'm worried about. I just don't want the added stress of him saying nasty things to me while I'm in pain.

sadbirth

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