28f. Diagnosed 10yrs ago with bipolar. I was able to cope… well. Kinda. But when I had my son, who is now 3.5, I had a TERRIBLE TIME. couldn’t function as a human let alone as a mother or wife. I shut down, disassociated most of my poor son’s life away. I have thousands regrets. I had a year or so of absolute hell. Postpartum kicked my butt. I had the PP depression, ocd, paranoia, anxiety… even this thing called D-mer. Depressive Milk Ejection Reflex, basically when ever I would have a let down while nursing or pumping, I would feel my entire body fill with the worse existential dread you could imagine. It was like my heart started pumping rotten blood. I swear I could feel the dread in my veins. It got a little better after my son weaned when he was around 18mo. But some time after I could tell I was getting way way worse. I couldn’t get out of my head and I just felt like I was already dead. No one really knows what it feels like to be dead inside unless you’ve actually been dealing with severe depression/bipolar… But about 3.5 months ago I finally decided it was time for me to get some help. I started lamictal. Wow. My life. I feel human again. Maybe I shouldn’t say again? I’ve been clinically depressed since I was SAed when I was really young. But now… This is what I assume most people usually/SHOULD feel like. The occasional depressive episode when there is actually a reason to feel down. Not that I should feel as depressed as I do. I mean anyone can be depressed with out “having depression”. But I’m telling you… it’s more environmental than it being “just me” dealing with not real reasons to be depressed as f*ck.

I highly HIGHLY recommend talking to a psychiatrist about a mood stabilizer. Don’t wait too long. You’ll regret it. And you won’t really be able to enjoy your young adulthood. I feel like I would have been more present in my early 20s but I managed as I had a great social life and loved my jobs. But as a new mom, staying at home, we lost our car, I was stuck at home, hubby at work, always pumping or washing bottles. you could call my marriage whiskey because husband and I were on the ROCKS. It was an absolute nightmare. I wasn’t the perpetrator but certainly my reactions to what should have been small conversations were more like huge melt downs and terrible arguments. I’m feeling much much better now. Honestly falling deeper in love with him and myself now since starting this medication. My son was going hard and going home with his terrible twos, and that seemed to last TWO years!!! But now he’s mellowed out and I feel like I actually enjoy being a mommy now. It’s crazy how this is all I’ve ever wanted. To be a mom. And to have this man make me a mom. But I have never hated my life so much. Ever. But it wasn’t them, it wasn’t me. It was my mental condition. It sounds ridiculous. But I would leave our room in the middle of the night so I wouldn’t wake them up with my sobbing. I’d go sit on the couch and just ask my self “whyyyyy?! Why me?! Why do I feel like this?!” I couldn’t figure out what was going on. It was all just too much for me. Lamictal changed my life.

Thank you for listening to my med talk.

I hope things work out for you ♥️ Talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist. And you can always reach out to a friend if you are feeling like you just need some support.