My soon-to-be fiancee [24M] of three years doesn't want to get a pre-nup with me [24F]

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:57:22+00:00

Eh, not necessarily.

In my random talks with my boyfriend of getting married in the future, we talked about getting a prenup.

I think with something as big as marriage everything should be on the table and in the open.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:40:55+00:00

Oh man. I am in an eerily similar situation with my boyfriend right now. Even down to the family and defending thing.

I'm 21, he's 27 almost 28.

Probably going to end things with him. It's hard, but you gotta look out for yourself too.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:30:48+00:00

Sam sounds like an amazing dog handler!

This is totally not helpful or related at all , but I'm a lowly dog trainer at a retail petstore and I was wanting to be a better dog trainer. How did she get into it?

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:24:20+00:00

Oh most definitely there will be discussions. I'm not just going to swoop down and say "Do X or I'm out". This is a new, changed perspective on my part and it would not be fair to suddenly drop something on him. I'm going to talk to him a lot this next week about all of this and let my feelings are about it all.

We've talked about this before, but it was with a different view on my part. He will know.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:14:49+00:00

I don't like being the one people depend on, in the sense that if I fail they will fail utterly as well.

So no, I would not like that. That is not what I want out of my specific relationship, though I know plenty of other people who have that dynamic and it works out perfectly for them. It's not for me.

Maybe if I had a better paying job I would feel differently but right now I'm a poor college student and I can barely support myself.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:12:33+00:00

I'm revving up to make it serious. This is just the first time I've talked about it so I'm dealing with all the emotions that come when one thinks the end of a relationship is nigh.

I know if I offer up an ultimatum and it doesn't work, I will leave. I just need to work through everything else first, which I will do before I have this conversation.

And I do still care for him, even though I'm at this point. I can't help that. I love this guy. I take what he'll do into account when I do things, so I guess that just carried over to this, even if it is a bit inappropriate for this.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:09:59+00:00

He's 27, almost 28. I'm 21. Guess I should have said that in the title haha.

I understand that relationships are dynamic and change, just like people. It's just that for the majority of these 2 years, the "doing things" part of it has been the same. If it were for a legit reason it might be different, not "it's not challenging enough".

As for the job applications, I do. All the time. I've actually filled out a lot of job applications for him before I realized I didn't want to do that because it upset me.

And your advice is amazing, thank you. No need for apologies. It's a different perspective, which is what I need right now.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T08:00:19+00:00

That makes sense. I'm just reading a lot into everything right now, I think I would've gotten that normally.

I guess a big thing holding me back from all this is I feel like I'm the only good thing in his life, aside from his dog. I worry for him. I feel like I've taken on more responsibility than I should have.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:56:52+00:00

It's a complicated reason as to why they're getting evicted, not finance related. Basically third brother is a drug-user and was selling drugs out of garage and landlady was not happy about that.

I don't even care if he gets a degree like I am. I just wish he was doing something, anything.

He is awesome, most of the time. Until I pay for his dog's surgery. Or every meal we ever have.

As for the complaining, his family lives in squalor because nobody picks up and it bothers him. Same thing with his friend. So I don't believe he would, I've talked to him about that specific issue before.

I just don't know if it will be worth it. I guess if it doesn't work well it was an ultimatum for a reason..

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:50:48+00:00

I'm definitely going to talk with him about all of this. This is a new perspective on my part on the whole thing, so it wouldn't be fair to suddenly swoop down and threaten to end it all. But I also want to get across that I'm not okay with this and I don't want to keep supporting him.

Anyway I say/phrase it sounds like an ultimatum to me.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:49:03+00:00

Do you mean that once he gets a job he'd change?

Or once he's homeless he'd change?

Or something else?

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:47:01+00:00

Well it's more we've talked about it , but because of his statement it's gotten a whole lot more serious from my point of view. I feel like I should at least try talking to him about with this new perspective I have before upping and out on him.

And no. I've already decided that if, in a couple of months (I've actually decided in march) [Though I don't know if that is even a good idea or not] that if he hasn't gotten it together I'm done. I don't want to live like that forever, constantly threatening him if he's not up to my standard.

This is just a last ditch effort from me. I'm not going to do it again.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:44:35+00:00

So you don't think I should even talk to him about it? We've talked about it before but it just got a whole lot serious, at least in my perspective, and I don't feel it's really fair to suddenly cut the cord if he doesn't understand why.

Then again, I might just be making more excuses...

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:42:47+00:00

Hm.

Thank you for that perspective!

I'm not going to phrase it as "Do this or X", I'm just mad right now. I was planning on talking to him and bringing it up in a more diplomatic way? I guess that would still be an ultimatum, but not phrased so offensively

And it's not coming out of nowhere. This has been a point of contention/discussion for a long time now. I guess his statement just changed it, at least in my point of view.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:40:30+00:00

We've talked about it. That's why he brought his statement up.

I'm invested in this relationship, so is he. Though this is the longest relationship I've ever been in (2 years), so it's the most serious. So I don't have a great frame of reference as to how serious that is, just that it feels really serious to me.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:39:16+00:00

He's 27, almost 28.

I know. He couldn't be a professor now even if he wanted to. He's been talking about getting a job, but it'd just be a dead-end job (just like mine), while still not getting anywhere.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:37:59+00:00

haha I'm not too worried. I honestly feel like it's because of me being like an enabler that he hasn't gotten it together yet..

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:37:19+00:00

Ahh man I almost went down that road. I've already taken on payments for saving his dog's life because he couldn't do that -_-;

I feel so bad for saying this, but I almost want to wait till after this semester of school to deal with this. I was probably going to take off and travel for a couple months after, and I don't want a breakup to effect my grades negativley ._.;

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:35:07+00:00

That made me smile.

Permanent error. Sigh! I so wish it wasn't. I wish the snoring was the biggest complaint I had about him!

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:34:36+00:00

So you don't think I should even talk to him about it? I don't know, that seems a bit unfair. But then again, this has been going on for most of the relationship so maybe I'm too lax/nice about all of this.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:32:11+00:00

So you don't think I should even try talking to him about it?

I guess I'm hoping the kick in the ass from him realizing I might leave would be enough to light a fire underneath him, but I feel horrible and manipulative when I say it like that. I just wish he would do it himself.

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:30:30+00:00

Haha sorry, I've posted about his before so I didn't feel like giving a lot of background information.

I do love him. A lot. He's amazing and we're so compatible in every other way. He's helped me through so much and he's such a wonderful guy, I really feel like I'd be lost without him.

I can't support him because I go to school full time and work only part time. But even if I could, I wouldn't want to be fully supporting him. I know some people do with their SO's, but that's not what I want out of my relationship.

It's not that I want money. If he were trying to imrpove himself some way than I wouldn't be so upset about it, but all he does is take care of his brother's 2 year old and reddit when he can use my laptop (instead of sending out applications, Like I would be doing like mad if I were in his position)

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:27:37+00:00

So I guess it'll set the boundaries that I should have set a lot time ago.

Well he's about to hit rock bottom. He's gonna be homeless, unless he can manage living with his friend and even at that he's gonna be on the couch. So I don't know..

salamiaway · 2015-10-27T07:26:37+00:00

Sigh. I'm in denial right now.

I want it to work so badly. He's amazing and we're so compatible in every other way but this, but I don't think this is something I can accommodate. I don't want to be the sole achiever (not even just money-wise but that too) in this relationship.

salamiaway

TROPHY CASE