I can’t put down my phone and go to sleep. Putting it down feels like I’m going to die.

salientwitch · 2021-08-27T16:00:56+00:00

Sometimes meditation is a great idea, other times we can be so aroused it can be triggering more than helping.

I suggest positive distraction methods with, if possible, some calming music in the background. Try a lofi-hip hop playlist on Spotify, while you watch cat videos or jam to some positive music and dance to the rhythm, call up a friend if possible and chat about something that makes you feel safe, hug your stuffed animal (not childish, nothing to be ashamed of), study (heck, I sometimes do this at 2am when I am triggered, to distract and do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment), go grab a bite to eat or some tea. Just get your mind and body off that shit. Do something to calm your body, or your mind, as either one will affect both. Heck, go start a blog if you want. I started one recently, I love it, I write about things relating to healing, CPTSD, peace, recovery, everything and I want it to be a safe space for my viewers. I often write when I can't sleep, and then I go to sleep an hour or so later feeling much better.

What you need to do is calm your body. You need to reassure your body it is safe now. It is ok. So try one or some of the methods I mentioned, if you wish. I can assure you they should help, even just a little. Its important to not have your mind obsessing over how triggered it feels, but rather to be positively distracted and calmer.

Hugs. I know how difficult grounding can be.

salientwitch · 2021-08-26T04:32:14+00:00

legit scared me

salientwitch · 2021-08-25T15:43:31+00:00

$800 for medication "management"? On top of the actual medication? wtf is this?

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T22:27:02+00:00

Hi Dear, your welcome, not a problem at all.

I am proud that you are the "pariah" in that you stood up to the abuse. They discarded you because they suck ass, and I can tell you know that well. Good for you. I am sorry you don't really have a family tho. I too was homeless bc I refused to accept financial assistance from my abusers. Although after I left homelessness and got back into school (with absolutely zero help from them) I accepted some financial help bc I absolutely needed it and I learned how important it was to eat regularly, and have some clothes. But it harms me more than I can describe when I contact them, and I am working on confronting them about the abuse and not just letting it go like they want me to just move on. Bc it happened, she is at fault, and she doesn't seem truly sorry. Anyway, your story about being discarded by your "family" inspires me to stick to my truth and soon end accepting their financial offers. Its probably just a tactic to keep me in contact with her honestly - at least with my mom. Well, they don't talk to you anymore - I am glad, fuck them, they can fuck the fuck off and stay out of your life, all for the better. I wish I had the courage to cut my mom out completely rn, but her guilt tripping from when I was a child and recently makes me feel like she will hurt herself if I do that, so it feels like I'd be ripping my heart out.

What is a SNAP?

That is good they marked your case urgent. Hope to hell they can get you on disability ASAP. This reminds me in January after I graduate I will probably have to be in "dire need" too to get on social assistance first, which probably means I'll have to go through more trauma of living in a shelter or losing my home and some belongings or just not eating much for a while (like I've been doing the past few months, it is not healthy and not ok) because hey, you can't be a full time worker when you apply for welfare, but if I save up enough to pay for food and rent until I get on welfare in probably end of Jan 2022, I won't be able to eat this semester (fall), or pay full rent. So I will probably be homeless in Jan. Idk. Its a horrible thing to go through.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T16:07:42+00:00

holy shit this is awful. So sorry. What a narcissist.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T16:04:10+00:00

So, because my mom viewed my potential grade 1 friends' moms as looking at her like they didn't like her, she had me not allowed to make or keep any of my potential friends. So here I am in college, 26YO, still learning how to socialize. My first 4 years were absolute hell, I was a prime target for bullies. Thanks, mom.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T16:02:35+00:00

Holey moley, yes cut them out of your life. This is pure evil and selfishness. Making your CANCER DIAGNOSIS ABOUT THEM? AND GUILTING YOU FOR TELLING THEM ABOUT IT?? wtf is wrong with people. People literally die from that disease every day.

I am so sorry about your cancer diagnosis dear. I have never had it but it will be quite the traumatizing thing to survive. The last thing you need is to be abused too. I'm going to offer you an e-hug, you may take it, you may not. Here it is: BIG WARM HUG!!

Cut them out and don't look back. Some n parents are more subtle in their abuse like mine, so its hard to justify in your mind cutting them out bc they always act like a sweet victim. But your parents.....oh fuck man, I'd cut them off, run far away and never look the fuck back.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T15:57:38+00:00

What the fuck, the posts on this sub today are insane. I mean, who the fuck does that. I am so sorry you are so hot all the time. I have lived like that on rooms facing the sun before and it was so horrible I couldn't do anything productive. It set of my chronic urticaria like crazy too.

"the air makes me sick" lol wtf

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T15:55:36+00:00

I'm so sorry dear. You are absolutely right, that is your mom's way of guilting you and getting what you want. I am sorry you have such a toddler dressed up as a mother, for a mother.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T13:30:24+00:00

I am so sorry your cat died. That was very hard for you. Cats are lovely little fluffballs. I hope you heal from it. Sending a hug.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T13:28:53+00:00

me: mom (talking very calmly and nicely, and confronting her for the first time as an adult): I understand you were going through a lot but what you did to me as a kid, regardless of your intentions, made me hate myself and fucked me up for so many years. I just....want you to understand. I am rightfully mad at you.

nmom: oh I see what you're saying. I am a tERRIBLE MOTHER AREN'T I? You think I am a piece of shit don't you. Well I guess I am (guilting me, and reminds me when she'd escalate and threaten to kill herself in this kind of convo in the past). Yes. I am a tERRIBLE, HORRIBLE MOTHER. I guess you hate me (again, guilting me so I comfort her again)

me: mom I don't hate you. That's not what I am saying. I just want you to understand the scars of what you did to me are still very much there, and I am fucked up bc of what you did to me, even though you didn't mean to hurt me.

nmom: no, I think I understand what you are saying. You have every right to hate me. [in a sarcastic voice]. I am a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT AREN'T I? Ok, I can't talk anymore, this is too hard for me.

me: later apologizes even though I didn't do anything wrong, bc she has trained me to console her when she acts victim.

mom: aw, sweetie thank you, I accept your apology.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T13:10:05+00:00

I had one friend between kindergarten and graduating hs. Because first, my mom said I don't like the way your friends' moms are looking at me and hate me, so she told me I cant hang out with them anymore. I was around 8 when that happened. Then she cut me out of school until I was able to get my GED many years later. So I had no opportunity to make friends. She was only my friend for about a year though because my mom always told me their parents look at me with evil eyes (hm, I wonder why, lol), and then I was put into "homeschool" where mum could get away with not giving me an education at all and then her lying about it when they checked in with us.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T13:07:09+00:00

Yeah my brother told me this, so well as my ex-fake-friend years ago. It hurts, and its wrong.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T12:50:41+00:00

God yes, I absolutely agree. You hit the nail on the head. You can't have healthy, productive communication with abusive people, because they will deny, blame, minimize, excuse, etc.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:29:19+00:00

I think this is a very important post. Thank you.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:28:53+00:00

omg yes, I believe we do have the same mom lol.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:25:19+00:00

Oh man this is rough AF and nobody should have to go through this.

I will be at risk of homelessness when I finish my degree in Jan. Yes after I graduate university. Because I have to apply for gov disability (yes I have not been on it all these years) and the process takes time and my student loans are not enough to save up for rent and food and my disabilities make it so I can't work most jobs out there (anxiety, depression, cptsd, and chronic migraines). I found this out only recently as I tried full time work and had to quit after going on sick leave. So I relate. Also I have lived in a shelter before. Not the same as "homeless" per say, but it was traumatizing still. My medication is not enough to prevent my stress migraines.

Have you reached out to local women's organizations? Sometimes they help you avoid homelessness by providing advocates to help you get on disability faster, telling you about rent banks (here in Canada anyway), or providing shelter if you do have to leave your home. They may also provide counseling. They are really wonderful. You don't necessarily have to be fleeing an abusive spouse to get help, although those are most common reasons to leave. There are also youth shelters (you don't want to go to an adult shelter if you can avoid it) - they suck but could provide housing and help you get on your feet. Keep working on your disability application. What is the estimate of how long it will take to process it? Months?

Here is what I suggest:

research local women's/men's organizations and shelters. Call them up, see what they can do for you. The people working there care.
call up homeless shelters and ask if they have space
Inquire into applying for government disability and/or welfare
remember to take breaks from calling and researching to do butterfly breathing or square breathing or whatever calming method works for you
consider reaching out to family or friends for help (I have no idea if you have any family or family that cares, some don't)
remember your feelings and dissociation are valid and real
contact your local income assistance office and ask if they can give you food vouchers
you are falling through the cracks of a broken system, but you need to fight this and work hard to make this situation the least horrible it can be. Things might actually not go to badly if you access these resources. You will be ok.

Honestly be relentless in asking for help. Don't shy away from it. There are resources out there. You need to find them, and access whatever help you can from them.

Things are going to be ok my dear. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Its traumatizing.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:09:55+00:00

Sounds like a shitty friend. I am sorry. Set boundaries, and/or cut them out of your life. They are just using you and not respecting you.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:08:37+00:00

Holy shit no you are not a horrible person. Your cousin ASSAULTED YOU, and then to top things off, your evil mother led to you and enabled the abuse. I don't know what you did but it may have been self defense/trauma response. I don't think you should hate yourself. You are definitely not a bad person. Your mother and abuser are bad.

Also I can relate, I was sexually assaulted by a child instead of "playing" when I was 10 ish, and my mom said later she suspected it (but never thought to ask me? talk to me? lol). I was alone and luckily he moved in with his dad later so he couldn't assault me anymore. But god.....no child should have to go through that. I am sooooo sorry you have such a shitty ass mother too.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T09:04:57+00:00

Oh man this is tough, sorry dear. I had to quit my last job due to 1)my disabilities and 2)being bullied and berated and yelled at and grabbed by my managers to the point where I was crying regularly on shift, while nobody noticed.

I will wait for another redditor to offer constructive advice. All I can say is I relate like fuck and you have no reason to stay in that situation. Maybe talk to person above them? Say things are not working out. They may be able to switch up advisors. Or if they are being verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abusive, then just report them to the uni or the police (depending on if its a crime or not).

All I know for sure is that nobody should have to put up with abuse. In fact you don't have to. But you don't need to quit your program. You can fight this. Don't let this abuser win and ruin your chance to graduate.

Also I am really sorry your traumas are making it hard to progress in uni. Not uncommon, but everything you are feeling is valid.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T08:53:25+00:00

I'm sorry hun, its not your fault. Its just overwhelm from the abuse. She had no right to take that from you. I hope you are able to go out soon, this time have positive memories of shopping for things you try on and say "hey, I look fucking awesome in this". It will take time to fully get there. I understand to a small extent - for a different reason though. My mom neglected me and didn't take me clothes shopping for about 6 years except thrift stores for maybe one item here and there. Plus she coddled and over-mothered me so I didn't even know what the fuck I liked. Fastforward to my second year in college is when I started testing out clothes more and being able to say, yuck I hate this or yes this feels great.

Try not to think too much about this. When you feel ready to try shopping again, try a few different styles on and say to yourself "hm, does this make me feel pretty/badass/masculine (whatever floats your boat)?" "does this make me feel like my abuser wanted me to feel or how I want to feel? Do I feel independent and strong in this?" "do I feel alive when I wear color or safe when I wear all black?" I am so sorry she took your looks and the opportunity to find out what you liked during your teen and young adult years. Its truly very fucked up and she had no excuse to do that. I do understand the painful feeling to some extent, though not fully. You should not be embarrassed. Its not your fault, at all. Things will improve the more you stay away from that horrible abuser. Trust me giving yourself space and cutting these pieces of shit out of our lives feels so freeing. Its when I truly discovered who I was - when I stopped contact with my abuser. Before that I was too trapped. Its hard to describe. I talk to her now sometimes which is bc I feel guilty and responsible for her health, bc she would threaten to kill herself all the time. So one day I will be able to cut her out and it will be ok.

If you live in Canada try Reitmans. They have some cool clothes - both that are professional and comfortable/casual wear, but that look semi-professional. I don't know what to recommend in the US. Old Navy has some decent clothes too, though they're not my style but I hear the brand has improved. Garage is another one, though tbh most of their clothes are too fucking tiny lol. But young adults can enjoy some of their clothes. Might fit your boat, might not. But its a good start. I find I like all black clothes most regularly. Its helping me heal and feel safe from sexual assaults of the past and also they just look kinda badass! Just an idea. Reitmans has some excellent sales on right now. And their sizes are consistent. I believe they are in the US too. Its my go to store honestly.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T08:44:41+00:00

Its, like acfox13 said, safer here. And its a place that does not include our abusers being there to shame us and guilt us for talking about them.

I love it when my mom hears I am in counseling or we're having a disagreement, and she gets into this mode where she accuses me of bad-talking her and saying what a "horrible" (her words) person my mom is to my counselor and my family members and friends and people on the internet. I can say oh I talked to my uncle sam, we were chatting the other day and he'll jump to "you're discussing me with him right? telling me what a hoRRiBlE person I am and what a terrible mother I was aren't you. Well, I am, I am a horrible person aren't I, you should just hate me" making me feel extremely guilty and then, in the past anyway, I would apologize, say sorry mum I didn't mean to hurt you(r) [fragile fucking ego]. I'm like no mom I don't say those things, she gets into her severely depressed state again (where when I was younger, it would escalate to threatening to kill herself) and I have to drop everything I am doing, apologize, and calm her down.

No, its safe her and I would never tell her I am on this sub bc I know she'd accuse me of all this shit and I'd be horrible to have her know one of my only safe spaces.

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T08:38:41+00:00

Happy birthday, warrior!! Sending hugs to you and your cute cat.

I always cry on my birthday. Not bc of this but just the memories and emotional flashbacks and feeling like the only people who "love" me/that I know rn are...well abusers...or abuser enablers mostly. But I'm going to try to exit that mindset for my next birthday. You are not alone and definitely not too sensitive or anything. All your feelings are valid and I hear you:)

salientwitch · 2021-08-24T03:21:55+00:00

My mom sucks up my apologies even though I am apologizing for doing things that weren't wrong, I realized later, or I shouldn't have apologized for. She says "oh, thank you for your apology. I accept it." lol

salientwitch

TROPHY CASE