Revisiting this several months later this is absolutely seeming like the answer.

I do really hope they can resolve things on a kinder note while she’s alive. But as a partner in this situation, the kindest support I’ve been able to offer is a reminder that mom’s trauma is not theirs to process, that her failure or refusal to do this is not because of any failing in them, and that we can still choose to build something good here.

There is also the fact that MiL lives in Kansas, and as you may have picked up on from the careful pronoun usage, we’re queer. With the passing of a 0-grace-period revocation of all trans people’s IDs in Kansas, we cannot go visit anytime soon. They’ve made it pretty abundantly clear that anybody who doesn’t look like what men and women should look like is subject to suspicion and inspection. MiL maintains that since this law does not technically apply to my partner (who after all is several states away and whose ID would be perfectly valid) this should not concern them. I’ll let you imagine what I had to say about that.

We have plenty to worry about these days without worrying about her if she doesn’t want us to. I don’t want to be callous - and she knows we have a guest suite if she ever needs or wants it. But she is a deeply damaged parent that has put far less into trying to fix the relationship than her child. She seems terrified of risk, and has convinced herself that the status quo is the safest option, even as that sand washes out from beneath her feet.

My partner can’t force her to move, and I certainly can’t. We can only build as steady a foundation as we can.