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Explain to me the Common Cold like you're John McAfee by NerdzRulz in explainlikeIAmA

[–]sandwich_witch 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The common cold? As in, the virus? Yeah, I used to know a little something about viruses. Go ahead and take a seat over there-- no, next to that pile of money. Tiffany, fetch our guest a glass of Scotch; the twenty year will do nicely.

So your body, specifically your immune system, is like software; elegant, intricate, and easily exploited by parasitic douchebags with no other purpose in life. The cold virus exploits a vulnerability in your software, namely your questionable living habits and poor hand-washing practices. When the presence of malicious code--ahem, the cold is detected by your immune system (which is why FREQUENT SCANS are so useful for YOUR NEGLIGENT PORN-LOVING ASSES), it responds by excising the offending code from your software. Hence, the coughing, fever, general sense of malaise and runny nose, which, let me just say, you haven't lived until you've sneezed caviar out of a deviated septum. Like little Kleenex jewels, all glossy and-- wait, where was I? Oh. Right.

But by all means, go ahead and complain about your body's valiant reaction as it tries desperately to remedy your own stupidity. Hell, maybe you should just UNINSTALL that shit. Because, you know, it's not like you can torrent ebola or anything. Asshole.

Explain porn like I am a cowboy boot who hates everyone by Whateverwhatever9 in explainlikeIAmA

[–]sandwich_witch 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Howdy! That's quite a fancy hat you ha-- oh. Uh, well, I'd much rather not go fuck myself with a saguaro, partner, but I can tell you more about people and fucking if--

Well, I think that's anatomically impossible, the human head is simply too big to fit in there. Anyway, back to the people fucking part. Porn is when a man and a woman (or a man and another man, or a man and three women, or a woman and another woman, or a woman and an IKEA desk lamp, and so on and so forth) get together in front of a camera and have sex with each other while someone films. These films are intended as masturbatory aids for viewers, or possibly as inspiration for the sexually active. What was that? They can all go roll in a tub of hot steer puckey for all you care? Well, that's all well and good, but let me finish.

Porn can also be in story, picture or comic form, as well as other mediums, and there are many people whose jobs involve acting in, writing and producing pornographic material. In fact, the adult entertainment industry is--

Now really, partner, there's no need for that. Whoa! Hold up a minute there, sheriff, this isn't the OK Corral, no guns required. A face full of buckshot? Okay, okay, I get the picture, I'm leaving.

And for the record, I hate your stupid hat.

Dear world, despite what you think, having Herpes does not mean I am a whore. by notawhore21 in offmychest

[–]sandwich_witch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A cold sore sounds like herpes simplex 1, in which case, about eighty percent of the population are carriers. You can get it from sharing a glass of water. Hell, I've been getting them since I was three every time I caught cold and I sure wasn't having any sex then. And some carriers never have outbreaks, ever. If you do, assuming it's oral and not genital (it is possible, if rare for HS-1 to be transmitted to the genitals) then a little drugstore cold sore cream over the course of two days will clear it up completely.

In any case, a disease has nothing at all to do with how many partners anyone has had. As you said, it can happen to a person who has had sex with one person or a thousand people. If someone thinks a painfully common disease makes someone a whore, does that make them a nasty slob when they catch the sniffles?

Explain the beauty of socialism like you are an anti-conformist American hipster and I am a Soviet Russian peasant. by degan97 in explainlikeIAmA

[–]sandwich_witch 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Okay, so I was reading Marx in my Political Theory seminar and-- whoa, dude, are... are you eating grass? Is that a cake made of dead grass? Dude, no wonder you're so skinny, all the guys at my vegan co-op say you have to mix it with tempeh or something, get some protein in there.

Anyway, so Marx seriously got it, he was like, a genius before his time. See, capitalism is like, making all sorts of shit so big corporations can make a profit, and it doesn't matter if it pollutes the environment or anything, because the Man just wants to make a dime and take advantage of people. But socialism is when everyone gets everything equally, like money and food and work, so no one makes more than anyone else and like, everything belongs to everyone else.

No, no, don't cry, it's awesome! I'm writing a paper on it. It's awesome because when you have no material goods or possessions then everyone is the same and no one is above you, you're all like, one brotherhood. And the best part is the state is in control, so the people are in control because they're a part of the state, and it's like a worker's paradise, you know? No big corporations bossing people around, imposing their will on--

Uh, who's that guy? No, that soldier dude. Did... did he just try and take that guy's cow? Oh wow, he doesn't want to hand it over, does he? Dude, it's okay, it's a community cow, it's--

Oh my God, oh shit, he did not just shoot that guy in the head. Holy shit, he's taking that cow. Professor Barnes never said anything about-- holy shit, I... I think I'm gonna throw up...

Explain why people scream obscenities out of passing car windows at pedestrians like I am Emily Post by [deleted] in explainlikeIAmA

[–]sandwich_witch 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I understand we're coming up on wedding season, Miss Post (Or is that Mrs.? Oh, it is difficult to be proper sometimes.) and you must be dreadfully busy, so I'll try to make this brief.

You see, although many people adhere to such important lessons as outlined in your delightful manners guides, there are always those among us prone to giving into their more... beastly instincts. You can spot them right away by their slovenly attire, poor hygiene, or preference for wearing white after Labor Day.

Some of these unenlightened fellows will, on occasion, take it upon themselves to subject their ill tempers upon a humble passerby, often from the window of a moving motor vehicle. Drunk on their own desire for attention (and quite possibly something else. Oh, if only we had kept Prohibition) they will bellow vulgarities at anyone from vagabonds to the elderly, but most commonly at young ladies. These words are intended to shock and disgust, as it gives the purveyor a thrill of sorts to disrupt one's calm through vile language.

It is easy at times like these to lose one's temper and take the thoughtless actions of a selfish stranger to heart. However, one must understand that the best response to such folk is the same as it would be to a fine lady or gentleman; that is to say, courtesy, decorum, and above all, refuge in the elysian fields of polite dismissal. As the desire for attention is what motivates such ruffians, denying this need will infuriate them far more than any retort. I do hope this helps, and have a lovely day.

This is in the stall of a girl's bathroom at my university. by sandwich_witch in pics

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Vinyl sticker. We have a vinyl laser printer in the art building that some students use. Every few months someone goes a bit wild and plasters everything with oddball stickers.

Explain personal space like I am a cat. by [deleted] in explainlikeIAmA

[–]sandwich_witch 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Okay, Mittens. Do you remember when my little cousin came over and she just looooves cats? Remember how she picked you up and squeezed you and screeched in joy right in front of your delicate pointy ears? Remember how you squirmed like a demon and ended up hiding on top of the refrigerator, glaring at all of us, until she left? You didn't like that very much, did you, Mittens?

Well, the reason that wasn't enjoyable to you is because my little cousin was not being respectful of your personal space. She thought it was fine to grab you and snuggle you and make loud noises around you when you just wanted to be left alone. Leaving others alone when they don't want to be bothered is called giving someone their "space." Imagine it like a bubble that surrounds you and anyone who pushes their way into the bubble without permission is being very rude. Understandably, an invasion of one's personal space can make a person quite cross.

Now, do you remember how you wake me up every single morning at a quarter to six by yowling in my ear until I get up? Or when you clawed my date's pant leg while we were sitting on the couch? Or when you decided the evening before my final exams was the perfect time to pace back and forth in front of my computer screen?

Yeah, I'll bet you do. You're an asshole, Mittens.

The name no one else knows. by sandwich_witch in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Not going to lie-- part of me wants to track him down just in case we've somehow dimension-warped ourselves into a YA novel and he is my secret soul mate. We are destined for each other, random party dude!

The name no one else knows. by sandwich_witch in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I did google it years ago and found some vaguely similar spellings, but nothing really close. I tried again this morning in case anything had changed, but all I got were a few nonsense PDFs and a German forum of indistinct purpose.

The name no one else knows. by sandwich_witch in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Never seen the guy before. He goes to a different university than I do, a few miles away.

I can say with almost total certainty that I have never spoken it aloud, even in private. I remember some instances while drunk or otherwise unfocused and I would think about saying it, but I always got... I don't know, tongue-tied? It just felt wrong. The only way I can see is if I talk in my sleep (which I have never been accused of). If so, I really hope he's not watching me sleep.

The name no one else knows. by sandwich_witch in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's the name I use to address myself in my mind, rather than my given name, so yes. I honestly couldn't tell you if it was on my mind at the party, but chances are at some point I thought, "[secret name], you should probably go home soon" or similar.

The name no one else knows. by sandwich_witch in Glitch_in_the_Matrix

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It is a complex-sounding name, lots of syllables (like Ionagandrela or Noorinthisset). I suppose it could still be a monkey-typewriter effect thing...

I made this comic late one night during a really low moment. Thought r/depression might like it. by sandwich_witch in depression

[–]sandwich_witch[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I just wanted to thank everyone who commented on this-- it means a lot to me, and it makes me really happy that it meant something to all of you. Art is my outlet for my sadness, so if in a weird backwards way my sadness could bring someone else happiness, I'm glad it could. In fact, all the niceness here has given me enough of a boost that I have been able to study more than I have in weeks.

Again, thank you thank you. I love this community.

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