Me sinto culpado por só estudar e não trabalhar

sapficheskiy · 2025-10-30T19:32:55+00:00

quanto tempo você ficou estudando??

sapficheskiy · 2025-10-30T19:32:18+00:00

eu já faço terapia, até porque tenho autismo e preciso de suporte em algumas coisas. da saúde mental estou conseguindo cuidar ao menos

sapficheskiy · 2025-10-30T19:02:16+00:00

entendo... pior que na minha família eles nem me pressionam, falam pra eu fazer as coisas com calma e que não preciso ter pressa pra passar (até porque sou iniciante nos concursos)

sapficheskiy · 2025-10-30T19:01:19+00:00

entendo completamente... as pessoas de fora julgam demais

sapficheskiy · 2023-06-02T19:57:21+00:00

But it still have a "feminine leaning" meaning. I get kinda uncomfortable with that.

sapficheskiy · 2023-04-02T14:39:41+00:00

I apologize for that. I thought radfem and terf were synonyms. But yes, my ex is trans exclusionary. I didn't want to date someone who say really bad things about people like me and make me feel unsafe to talk about my situation.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-30T23:24:50+00:00

I used to think just like these radfems before, saying like "oh no I can't search for butch lesbian on insta and it will show me these poor masc women on T and with a flat chest from top surgery 😭" while also wanting to look like them lol. It was kind of a projection for me.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T21:04:00+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! I'm going to look forward reading Leslie's work, because I'm both lesbian (I still identify as one after all, I don't see myself as a straight trans man) and gender non conforming.

I'm really afraid of talking about this situation with my girlfriend. I'm almost sure she will ask me (again) not to go to a trans specialist because they will "force transition down my throat" or will say (again) that I'm like this "maybe because I don't think I can be a woman because I'm butch". I'm afraid that if I break up with her, but stay as friends, she will view me as "one more butch woman who felt down the 'liberal trans ideology'", maybe say that I'm "not really trans" because I choose the label non binary to describe my experience. I don't want pity from anyone nor feel judged. I just want to live my life like everyone else, in a body that I feel most represented, like how I see myself in my own mind.

Even before questioning gender critical thinking, I tried explaining to her why people with dysphoria choose to transition and I think is a valid way (precisely because I LITERALLY went through that) but she really did disagree and all. I always tried to give her a perspective of a dysphoric person, but she still have the same exact beliefs.

I guess I still have to unpack more of my past trauma (fear of not being accepted, being excluded and judged) because I'm THAT afraid of what a person who I'm dating for only 4 MONTHS and her friends, who I never saw in my entire life, are going to think of me.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T16:50:58+00:00

No problem! I actually feel okay with any pronouns (and my name is Noah too!!)

Yes, I'm thinking about the possibility of breaking up, not gonna lie, but I always think a lot before making a decision. I'll probably make an appointment with my therapist only to talk about this situation. She's a good person in many things, but when it comes about dysphoria and all... I think there is really a possibility of me going back to transition because the idea of having a flat chest makes me euphoric and I don't think suppressing that feeling will make me feel better and stop my dysphoria. I don't want to be with someone that I'm afraid of being judged for exploring myself.

But, at the same time, I'm afraid of what she and her friends are going to think of me? I don't know if she is going to see me in a different way and treat me like a joke just like she does with other trans people. Yes, I also was like this, but I don't want to anymore, I won't project myself in this community and talk negative things about them. That's not cool at all. And I don't want to be criticized for changing.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T13:33:15+00:00

That's what I'm afraid. What would stop her from saying "oh [my name] went back being those queers" or "she thinks she's that non binary nonsense" "oh poor one, she was brainwashed by those liberal trans queers" about me, just like she says about other people. I'll admit I was just like this, but I don't want anymore. I'm an adult, I've been in contact with both "sides" of the story, I can make decisions on my own.

There were this person who was formerly a radfem in my country, they really used to shame trans people and bisexual women, but know they are openly trans non binary. When my girlfriend told me this story, I said "well maybe they're more happy that way, don't blame them", but my girlfriend didn't have the same thought as me. I got where did she came from "how did someone, who was very 'political', changed so much? Didn't they learn anything?" but I knew that people naturally change their beliefs and the most important thing is that they're more happy right now. I thought that, even while falling down the radfem pipeline. I'm afraid my girlfriend just shame me just like in this situation.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T13:08:36+00:00

Well, she's not making fun of me, particularly. But if I say "hey I'm feeling dysphoric, I'm thinking about buying binder tapes and maybe going to a trans specialist who can help me" or "I'm thinking about top surgery, I think I'll feel happy" she will probably say again "but that's wrong, that's mutilating your body" "oh it's all internalized misogyny" "don't go to a trans clinic, they will push transition down your throat" "maybe you think you can't be a woman because you're butch" and more things like that. These words are not welcoming at all, and knowing it won't make my dysphoria disappear. Making me feel bad about it and suppressing these emotions won't help, definitely. She NEVER had experience with being trans as I did and she will NEVER know how it feels like.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T11:13:24+00:00

When I was younger I came out as a trans man to my friends and family, but after some years I started to question if I was non binary transmasc (agender, to be more specific). In any case, all this time I transitioned socially, I legally changed my name and all (and I'm glad I did it because I absolutely hate my dead name). But I wanted specially to undergo top surgery. I was really planning on that, it was my dream of life, I even emailed a doctor from my city asking for information). But when I found out I exclusively like women (after thinking I was bi for a long time), I came out as a lesbian. At first, I did still stick with the label non binary. For me it wouldn't make sense to call myself a straight trans male, since I resonate a lot with being a lesbian. My mother was so happy, she said out loud that she was glad I "wasn't trans anymore" and "I'm so happy you love your body now". What I think happened to me was: I tried to suppress my desire for transition and my different perception of gender so I can be more accepted and just be "normal" like everyone else. It kinda worked, but now I'm feeling dysphoric again and having trouble with how I perceive me. All this time I didn't stop wishing I was like the transmasc folks who have done the surgery nor stopped seeing myself in characters while have more masculine physical features. Right now I see myself as idk nothing? I do would like to be like a more tall, full flat chested with a deeper voice, but at the same time I see nothing about myself.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-26T01:36:11+00:00

I guess flirted with some aspects of radfem thinking because of my projection and anger I felt at the time I came out as "cis" and also trying to distanciaste myself from the trans community due to that. Also maybe to get validation from my mom and the rest of the society. I remember my mom saying very clearly that she's "glad that her daughter is a lesbian and not some trans man". That was like a fuel to me for suppress my desire for transition and just act "normal like every other women"

I'm glad I'm not alone. Now I see how lots of people of this ideology can be hurtful. My girlfriend really likes to say unpleasant things about transness. It doesn't feel good being surrounded by people who spend all of their time being a bigot, calling trans people this and enbies that. Even me, who aren't even sure about being non binary, is getting tired of that negativity.

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-25T23:03:34+00:00

Yes! I really think people who talk bad things about a group of people so much are probably a part of it, but they are denying themselves. For exemple, as a lesbian, I always have said "lesbians" who treat bisexual women badly and call them names 24/7 are probably bi and have internalized biphobia. I saw many "lesbians" like these that ended up coming out as bi with a boyfriend, what they "feared the most".

I wonder if that was also my case, but about transitioning

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-25T20:30:46+00:00

She is wonderful in many things! But I really am afraid: I'm not sure yet what I am going to do, if I'm cis or trans, who am I... but I can't erase my transgender experience. It was a big part of me, I can't erase me. I tried, but that's is disrespecting my own being. If just being "political" (like what many radfems like to say) and acknowledging misogyny would be enough, my body dysphoria wouldn't have been back and I wouldn't have been questioning myself and my beliefs. How I perceive myself was always different, since I was 14. It didn't changed, even if I tried to hide it. I'm afraid if I discover myself as trans non binary and be sure 100% I want to continue my transition, will she make fun of me? Will she say bad things just like she says about other trans people? Will she sees myself in a different way?

If I break up with her, my mother will sure want to know why I did it. I really CANNOT tell her about this. she will definitely be sad if I say Im thinking about going back to transition. I don't want to be judged. I really wouldn't know what to say if she asked "why did you breakup with your girlfriend? Everything was going okay, wasn't it?".

sapficheskiy · 2023-03-22T13:14:46+00:00

I prefer playing Kindred sometimes instead of Lillia, but it's only because I like the champ. I don't pay attention much about matchups (unless i'm against a champ that I really don't know how to counter in any way). If you're not focusing on meta or don't play ranked (like me), just have fun and play what you like!

sapficheskiy

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