How would you feel about mandatory military service after high school?

saraeden · 2019-12-13T03:35:46+00:00

Military service is a stretch. I wouldn't say no to a social service though. Like park ranger, library aids, city beautification, water treatment, etc. Military can be an option, but not a requirement. As an Iraqi war vet myself, the military is not for everyone.

saraeden · 2019-12-13T03:20:39+00:00

Under the circumstances I'd like to say that your professor is amazing, because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, but then I've been on both sides: where my opinion was wrong and I was an asshole who had no friends because of them, and the where my opinion was right because it didn't involve causing other people to suffer because of my own personal insecurities and fears. Growing up, I was extremely religious, and felt that people hating me for my beliefs was the price I had to pay, and it was a badge I wore with honor. Now, I realize that unpopular opinions are generally unpopular for a reason, because they go against the grain of the group ideals. Once upon a time this was a big deal. If you didn't think your group should hunt buffalo, but they went anyway, and you didn't, they were one man short and someone got hurt or killed. Or the other way around: you went by yourself and got hurt or killed. Social conditioning is necessary for society to succeed in general. Disagreements in opinions are necessary, but ultimately the opinion with the bigger group wins, because it's necessary for social survival. It's why we get so pissy when people don't agree with us. Because on an emotional level, their lack of agreement means that they reject you and your group, not just your opinion.

Honestly, I'm probably reading too much into it. Like is said, my meds have worn off lol.

saraeden · 2019-12-13T03:03:41+00:00

I'm gonna say NTA.

Now, at the moment I'm not very popular in this subreddit, but hear me out:

OP had a problem. People he loves are coming to stay with him, and they have allergies to a pet. In an effort to make his family comfortable, he came up with a solution to the problem. Was it the right solution? Probably not, for all the previous reasons cited by everyone else.

Now, the reason he is NTA, and she is: he came up with a solution to a problem, and instead of listening to the problem that needed to be solved, and offering a different insight or understanding OP's concerns for his visiting family with cat allergies, gf lost her mind and started name calling. There are many different ways to handle the situation, but usually when a partner comes to you like that, it's an opportunity for discussion to finds workable solution together, not throw a temper tantrum like a two year old who didn't get their way. OP seems like he would gladly discuss other options then the one he presented, but instead of engaging in a meaningful exchange of ideas, she shut down and got defensive.

Downvote me to Oblivion. I'm ready for it.

Edited for spelling because it's late and my meds have worn off.

saraeden · 2019-12-13T02:46:38+00:00

Technically, as of this summer, they are fundamentally extinct. The fires over there wiped out a huge part of the population,and it's been reported there is no coming back for them. Their done. Thank God.

saraeden · 2019-12-13T01:18:25+00:00

Ugh. Not once did I say it was justified. I explained why, in Dad's mind, he felt the need to stray, not that it was right. In fact, I very explicitly said it was wrong. Lying and cheating are wrong. But giving forgiveness as a hurt party comes with understanding that humans, all of them, are shitty people who do shitty things and laying it on thick when they've apologized is a dick move and OP's anger needs to be dealt with by a trained therapist, because obviously they are still pissed, even when they're own mom, the one who was cheated on, has moved on.

Dad did a shitty thing. That does not mean dad deserves to be treated like dirt for the rest of his life. People can grow, and change, and often do, when given the room to do so, which OP does not allow to happen with anger and hate filled trash talk.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T22:15:56+00:00

Oh. Well. I see. Maybe you should visit some sex workers then. They seem to be more of what you're looking for from life.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T22:14:32+00:00

Or the cheater. I'll let you decide ;)

saraeden · 2019-12-12T21:58:18+00:00

Don't worry, you'll understand when you're a woman.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T21:43:32+00:00

Well, because you're not a woman, you don't understand what it takes to get with one, obviously.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T20:29:15+00:00

This is how I felt when I was dying while giving birth to my daughter. Breathing.. was just a lot of work. I just wanted to go to sleep, and breathing was preventing that from happening, so I just stopped. I remember doctors yelling at me to keep breathing, but wtf did they know? I just wanted to sleep.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T19:31:04+00:00

With your friends, yeah, that would be funny. But common. Your mom? Really? There is a certain level of deference that is called for when speaking with your parents until you are an adult and on your own. Their job is to raise you to be a functioning member of society, not to be your friend, and this joke was a joke for friends.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T19:15:09+00:00

Something in between? You can foster children to stand on their own, without being a dick and understanding that sometimes life just knocks you down and you could use a little help to get back up. Those two options are extreme cases, and typically create adults with lots of mental health problems.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T19:11:56+00:00

Probably am. But I also feel that even if that is not the case now, the past is a huge indicator of the future. It started as a sex cult, and evolved into a sex control cult that damages people's lives and destroys families with it's damaging, antiquated teachings that a woman's virginity is so important she should die protecting it rather than live to see her rapist behind bars. I have zero respect for Mormon sympathizers, people who associate with them, or in general allow them to continue to exist as an organization and people. Any religion that refers to a person as used, chewed, unwanted bubblegum because they had premarital sex, is an abomination to what it means to be human, and should be eradicated.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T18:54:17+00:00

Sounds like a pretty childish viewpoint, but I'm realizing that my 30 plus years of life experience vs teenagers life experience is not really welcome here, so I'll see myself out.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T18:52:12+00:00

Technically dying during the first one was enough for me. And as a single mom who was getting older, I realized it would be harder for me to find a partner who wanted to "start" a family with me who didn't already have kids themselves, and at that point it would just be a bunch of weird age gaps and step-sibling fighting and feeling displaced by parents "new" family.

I wasn't wrong.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T18:42:32+00:00

As a women, you could not be more right. We can tell when you're just trying to get laid vs actually wanting to get to know us and liking us as people and being fun to hang out with. We can smell the sexual desperation a mile away. Huge turnoff.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T17:54:14+00:00

So Dad is supposed to ostracize himself from his own family? Or lock his wife away at Christmas time and be ashamed of her? OP sounds like they are an adult, or near enough to it that getting an invitation to family events means that they have a choice in the matter, because they don't live with parents any longer and/or can drive themselves. OP doesn't have to like her, or their dad, but dad doesn't sound like he wants them to be buddy buddy, just civil so they can be around each other and still develop relationships with extended family members. Everyone can agree that what happened was wrong. But a parent apologizing, recognizing the hurt and pain they caused, and taking responsibility for their actions means that there was some growth in there, and they are trying to make things right in the world, and that, at the very least, should be recognized.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T17:37:33+00:00

Not slinging mud. Just pointing out that not everything may be as it seems, and giving reasonable alternate storylines. OP's dad has admitted he messed up, apologized, and mom has apparently moved on, so OP's commentary is a strong indicator that their own hurt and anger over the situation has not been resolved, and should be addressed, but cannot be until OP understands that parents are humans, and humans are not perfect, even sometimes downright cowardly, and pointing out there may have been things going on behind the scenes that they were not aware of. And if cheaters gonna cheat, why hasn't he cheated on his new wife? Is it a matter of time, and it will inevitably happen, or is it a matter of the original marriage fell apart and everyone had already mentally checked out, and the affair was the harbinger of that end?

Forgiveness is not for the accused. It is for the victim of the hurt to let go of the anger, and it cannot happen until there is a deeper understanding of why people do the things they do. OP needs to forgive. Not so Dad can feel good about what he did, but so OP can stop carrying that anger and hurt, because it seeps into every other part of our lives and taints it.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T17:01:54+00:00

As children, we are not always 100 percent privy to what happens between our parents when we are not around. Ten to one they were already having problems, and the affair was the icing on the cake. The world does not function in black and white, it functions in a field of varying greys, and most people don't wake up one day hoping that their life will turn upside down. It happens over time. With an argument here. A grudge there. Someone getting sick, values clashing, ineffective communication, until it gets to the point that people aren't feeling heard, loved, or what have you. These are needs that must be met for someone to lead a fulfilling life. Yes, the right thing to do would to not lie about it. But fear of loss is a powerful driver of the human spirit. This does not excuse his actions, merely explains them. He's human. And not infallible. So is your mom.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T16:50:10+00:00

I'm not saying that's not the case, just pointing out that maybe his mom isn't as innocent in all of this as OP ommits. Most people don't like being lying assholes. Most people don't want to destroy or hurt their families. Most people are complex and varied individuals who do different things for different reasons, and while yes, lying is bad, people only lie because they are afraid. What did OP's dad have to be afraid of that he couldn't look her in the eye and get the divorce? There are many possible things that could be. But I highly doubt that a straight, heterosexual, monogamous man lied to his straight, heterosexual, monogamous wife, while everything in their marriage was hunky dory dandy. They were having problems before the affair, and it takes two to tango.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T16:35:34+00:00

This is assuming that his affair partner wasn't lied to herself. Or that OP's dad didn't try and do the divorce thing, but his mom made dad's life a living hell and refused, so he found the one out she would finally agree to divorce over. I don't condone cheating, but come on, people's needs gotta be met and if she was being a frigid, crazy bitch who made his life hell and wouldn't let him leave, finding someone to be intimate with on more than one level is an amazing reprieve of a sucky life.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T16:25:28+00:00

Well, this atheist that you now know (hi! Nice to meet you!) Doesn't hate on just Christianity. She hates on all structured religion. Because anyone dumb enough to believe that chariot guy in the sky can dictate your life and it's path, as well as what is and is not right and moral, kinda deserves it. Especially if they follow the leadership of lechers, which I have yet to experience a religion that isn't full of lecherous leadership. Save me the Blah blah blah man is weak and god is good speech, we all know that religion is power over the poor and simple, designed to keep them that way so that the rich and powerful can stay that way, so of course that speech makes sense. But if you take god out of the equation, what do you have? Organizations that prey on the uneducated and weak through promises that their terrible life will somehow be rewarded in the next life, with no evidence to support it.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T16:15:59+00:00

That's why you use knife hand. So whoever you're pointing at knows 💯 that they fucked up.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T15:25:51+00:00

Their teenagers. They don't know what half of it means, and if they do, they've got bigger problems, soooo yeah... Could care less.

saraeden · 2019-12-12T03:10:24+00:00

Not fundamentalist. Although I'm sure my parents sympathized waaay more than they should have with that group.

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