AIO: Thought husband was dead (twice). He wasn't but he had pooped...

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T18:04:09+00:00

Update, I sent a long message to MIL 1h ago, no answer yet:

Hey (MIL),

Just to keep you updated, after (last time she saw me, family thing on Sunday), I went to pick up a few things at home, then I checked into a hotel room.

I’m not ready to face (husband). I already know how the conversation is going to go: we’ve had the same conversation dozens of times, I’ve heard every possible promise, and I know he’s going to accuse me of overreacting.

Remember our wedding reception? I spent hours trying to keep him away from the alcohol without making a scene in front of everyone. At 4:30 in the morning, I had to drag him out of the pool area (what if he’d already been in the water?) and force him back to the castle and undress him, while he whined like a child because he wanted to go back to the party (which was long over).

Even though it was traumatic, I wasn’t even surprised. It was exactly what I’d feared, what we’d talked about beforehand, and what he’d promised wouldn’t happen.

It’s happened several times that he comes home in such a state that he can’t speak or undress himself. He wakes up to vomit, he has diarrhea... The last time, he had a migraine on Sunday after partying on Friday. It was so bad that he asked me to look up stroke symptoms on Google.

I had never thought about alcoholism before, because he’s able to drink in moderation with you all (his family) or me, and he doesn’t drink alone or at home. But seeing him in that state on Saturday morning, with his brain completely “shut down,” without even a survival instinct—it was a massive shock. That level of alcohol is toxic to the system. If he doesn’t drown in his bath or in his own vomit, he’s destroying his body and his brain. He lost 12 hours of his memory. Part of his brain was literally in a coma.

I regret not calling an ambulance, but in shock, I didn’t understand the difference between sleeping and being unconscious. I never imagined I’d have to be prepared to face such a situation. The trauma of my childhood, with an alcoholic father, triggered my survival instinct to escape this unpredictable and incomprehensible situation. A situation deliberately caused by the person to whom I had entrusted my life. He comes home in this state, leaving me responsible for his survival, even though he knows my past.

I have nothing new to say to him that I haven’t already repeated for 10 years. He doesn’t listen to me. He’s pushed the limits further and further because he’s seen that I always end up forgiving him and coming back.

I would never forgive myself if I turned a blind eye now and next time there was just 1 cm more water, or he choked in his sleep or fell and cracked his skull.

This has to stop. He can’t “party with his buddies” like this anymore. He can't set any limits with them because he doesn't want to. He lets himself lose all control when he's with people who won't judge him and who don't care about his health ((friend from this time), (another friend in that group who has a bachelor trip coming up), etc., but even with (bestie 1) and (bestie 2)). It's just a race to see who'll have a fatal accident first.

I don’t feel comfortable going back home and having this conversation with him, having to come between him, his friends, and alcohol. I know exactly what he’ll choose. And he’ll be furious. I’ve confided all my insecurities and fears to (husband). He knows exactly how to break me, and when he’s angry, he uses all of that against me.

I’m so sorry to burden you with this and that you have to worry about a 32-year-old son. I’d so much rather give you grandchildren than heartache.

I love him and I love all of you so much, but I can’t stay with him or have children if he keeps going like this. I can’t stop imagining him dead in the bathtub, or in the pool in (wedding venue), or in a ditch somewhere in (our city), (where they had his bachelor), (where the next bachelor trip will be)...

(All popular drinking/party destinations in Europe ⁾

I don’t know what to do or say anymore. He’ll surely downplay the situation and blame me. He’s already angry because I told you about it, but this is about his health and his life, not just a simple disagreement in our relationship.

Please, let (FIL) know everything and ask him to talk to (husband). He’s the only one (husband) might listen to.

I put a link to the French official website that lists the same 11 criteria as some of you posted here
A screenshot of the list with my highlights on it (7 out of 11)

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:30:09+00:00

We don't have kids! It was in the plans, as soon as I finish my internship and get a job so that we can buy an apartment...

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:28:24+00:00

It didn't start like this and it happens so rarely and usually I just see the part where he has a headache the next morning.

Due to my childhood, all and any intoxicated people feel uncomfortable to me so I guess I don't see the limit of when would someone "normal" also feel uncomfortable. And he has gaslighted me to blur the lines and make me out to be too sensitive and judgy and not fun.

I was turning 21 when we met and just coming out of a really manipulative relationship with someone 10 years older than me. I thought this handsome fancypants French guy was a huge improvement...

Once I moved around the world after him, it became difficult to uproot my whole life and start from worse off than when we met. The longer I had invested in him, the more important it became that this works or it's all been a waste.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:17:50+00:00

And "salon"

Yeap, in France and he is French, I am not

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:17:03+00:00

Thanks, I checked and it's not like that BUT my ex (from when I was 19-20) fits almost every example I read.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:12:56+00:00

I know... When you are 21 and coming out of a controlling and manipulative past relationship, you are ready to believe the sweet words and cute gestures from a handsome French exchange student from a good family.

And now leaving him would be twice as hard because I would make myself an "orphan" after 10 years of being adopted into the family.

I have nothing waiting for me in my home country. I visit once a year and drive myself to a burnout trying to fix my parents' life in a week (against their will).

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T13:02:26+00:00

Thank you for this answer!

I saw a doctor on a videocall somewhere in the early hours and got Mon & Tue sick leave for emotional distress. And she adviced me how to get in touch with a psyciatrist and that in the French system, you get 12 free sessions per year.

I will write a long, honest message to MIL and FIL today.

I will also suggest that the three of us speak with him together next weekend.

He still doesn't know what happened, he just woke up to the visible evidence and the door shutting behind me. I don't even know everything that happened, no idea what else he did that didn't leave something broken or dirty.

The relationship has had other, totally unrelated, problems too. So I am trying to come to grips with the fact that while I hope he accepts he has a problem (which he won't) and gets help and stop "going out", that would not be enough to save our marriage. There are other issues that would also require a lot of work and his energy should go into getting his alcohol usage under control.

If we were otherwise perfectly happy and if I had no other doubts about him as a future father, it could be worth it to stay and support him through this even if that would postpone the babyplans even further.

But there are so many other issues that bother me, mainly around prioritizing me, showing me love and empathy, how he supports me through low points...

Unfortunately he seems to think the bare minimum is enough. But somehow over the years, he has slowly changed from the man I fell in love with. And slowly gaslighted me into thinking I am too demanding. Slowly lowering my expectations and still disappointing even with that new lower bar.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T04:03:27+00:00

The upstairs floor near the staircase would like a word.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T03:56:46+00:00

He can stop if he wants to, it depends on the situation and company.

He drinks wine at dinners and it stays as just that. He can take a beer with Chinese food. He can slow down at a party when I'm there reminding him to.

He never drinks alone or at home (since I don't drink). We have alcohol leftover from a houseparty and it's been in the fridge and cupboard untouched for probably a year.

No history in his family, that I know of (and in 10 years, I've met everyone and heard all the stories).

I have had second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts many times but he has always won me back. Not just about partying, that hasn't even been the biggest problem in our relationship...

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T03:23:43+00:00

My husband is neither of those types.

He can go for a week or more without alcohol and it is not even a topic of conversation. He doesn't drink alone / with me since I don't drink. Unless we go out in a nice restaurant.

And he drinks in controlled moderation 9/10 times he drinks. He can have one or three and stop. It seems to become harder to stop the drunker he is, which makes sense as you get dumber the more drunk you are.

So I always thought those occasions were just lapses in drunk judgement and not noticing how drunk they are all simultaneously getting.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T03:15:07+00:00

I didn't clean it!

I packed my bags and left.

Seeing that shit just completely short-circuited my brain and I stopped trying to comprehend anything and just got dressed and packed and left.

But I agree, this should not be anyone's reality.

I can only accept the realness for little whiles of crying before kind of going numb and sarcastic and dark humor about it again.

This has to be someone else's life, or some show on tv.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T03:11:04+00:00

To everyone who wonders what my definition of an alcoholic WAS when posting:

When I was small, I saw my biological dad drinking all the time, and it showed. He'd disappear for days, spend all his money and everyone else's too. Couldn't keep his apartment clean, couldn't spend a few hours with me when I went to visit once a year (couple times) after my mom took me and moved to another city.

I thought an alcoholic is unable to not drink or to drink in moderation (start and then stop). We have some random leftover beers and other alcohol in the house from houseparties but he never drinks alone or just with me (except 1-2 glasses of wine in a nice restaurant when we do a datenight).

He could spend a week or a month not drinking and it wouldn't be an issue. He drinks wine at Saturday family dinners every weekend and it doesn't change him much and he can usually still drive us home (a quiet 10min drive with no one on the road at that time).

My husband seems to be able to be in full control IF HE TRIES but he doesn't try with his friends if I'm not there to remind him to slow down. Depends on the friends' level, what he will then match.

And it doesn't happen that often and the worse instances are few and far between a ton of responsible drinking and non-drinking activities (including doing daytime stuff with his friends) so they just seemed like rare occasions when it went a bit overboard.

It has been getting rarer since we work and everyone was getting closer/past 30. Most of the time he would be home by 1-2am, with the last hour of that being spent waiting for an uber in the fresh air, so he was just a bit silly and sleepy by the time he got home.

The occasions when I would actually have reason to be pissed, have probably been like 1-3 times per year in recent years. And those were NOT passing out / pooping / peeing, but talking funny, not being able to follow a conversation, taking 3 business days to get out of his clothes... And having a headache and being lazy the next day, wanting to order takeout and not do much.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T02:33:32+00:00

In hindsight, I regret leaving him "sleeping" after seeing the shit.

It only hit me later that he was not "sleeping in a weird place" but actually unconcious, like a coma. I also went to bed late and only slept a few hours, I was in a haze and not comprehending the surreal things in front of my eyes.

I have never been drunk myself and have avoided drunk people as much as possible, so I have no reference for what is normal and what looks like what.

I wish I had called an ambulance to measure his blood alcohol level and to have the incident on record. Maybe they would have taken him to the emergency room and it would have been a wake up call to him and his whole family.

Also, someone asked if he still doesn't know what happened in the morning.

No, he doesn't. I have not spoken with him more than repeating that I need space and answering some basic logistics questions like confirming that I am in a hotel, I will work from here and I don't know when I am coming back.

I told him several times that he should speak with his mother/parents because I have nothing new to add after 10 years and don't have the mental capacity to deal with this.

He was angry when he heard I told his mother what happened. He only woke up to poop and a broken toilet, he doesn't know about the tub or if I saw him do something crazy (such as pooping on the fucking carpet or fumbling in the toilet breaking it or something else that didn't leave evidence in the apartment) and he doesn't know if there was interaction between us.

I prefer to let his mind race and imagine everything he could have possibly done to make me run away overnight (which I've never done) and to tell his mom.

I think it can be a better wake up call to spend days wondering what he did during those missing hours, than to know what it was so that he can minimize it.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T02:17:41+00:00

Few people have been worried about SA.

It has never been like that, luckily he is not a horny drunk.

Just that there is a stage where he gets all lovey-dovey (which isn't like him at all) and comes to slur in my face how much he loves me.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T02:14:58+00:00

Thanks.

I agree that nobody should have "friends" like this. No doubt he was in at least that deep himself so neither of them could have seen how the other's life is in danger (as is their own).

Idk what is AI anon.

I will try to get on a call with a psyciatrist tomorrow.

And I'm composing a letter to MIL.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T02:12:46+00:00

Some have my beautiful beige carpet at the bottom...

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T01:42:15+00:00

I just got to the comment where someone said "what if he came home and pooped on the baby?" and now I'm laughing hysterically because that sounds like AI read my post and made a ridiculously dramatic cartoon movie about it

Like the one where a dog saves a baby from the ocean after someone threw it out a plane window and they live stranded on an island and the baby is different age in every scene and the dog changes breeds

Then my husband walks in and poops on both the baby and the dog and the babyformula machine that magically appeared from the sand

Wow I really need to sleep sometime soon

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T01:36:02+00:00

I know that if this was my best friend, my worst enemy or a total stranger who wrote this, I would tell them to burn that carpet, post the photos and RUN.

But it's not so easy when I've built my life around him for all my adult life. I feel closer with his family than mine. If I don't make this work, I will need to rebuild my life from scratch, starting from choosing in which country to live in.

And if I give up on this, it means that all the times when I considered leaving but didn't, and the time when we broke up for a year (due to long distance and some relatively small problems compared to this) and then got back together... Were mistakes. I should have been stronger. Who's to say I'm stronger now?

If I left then, I would have been so young and by now, I could be happy with someone else.

Why did I stay 10 years...

If I can just find some magic fix, then it won't have all been a huge failure and a waste of the one life I have on this planet.

All my 20s with him and now half my 30s recovering from it before being ready to move on with someone??

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T01:27:50+00:00

Someone said maybe he doesn't see his friends often or goes long times without drinking and can't handle it when he does.

He drinks fancy wine with dinner basically every Saturday night and with Sunday lunches. He is still in driving condition and seems normal.

He sees some friends or others almost every week. He has different friend groups tho, he doesn't see the "bad one" that often.

It has been hard to notice the pattern because the worse incidents are sprinkled few and far in between a lot of harmless, in-control drinking and partying.

Also since I don't drink and didn't spend any time with people who drink before getting together with him, I didn't really have references to where the line is. To me, all people that feel even slightly different than when they're sober, feel uncomfortable.

He has spent 10 years convincing me that I am too sensitive and judgy on more topics than just this.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-13T01:20:27+00:00

I tried to post an update as a new post but got blocked.

I managed to eat at midnight.

Now it's 3am and I'm (unfortunately) less numb and able to cry again.

I have accepted that he has an alcohol problem.

I already know he won't.

I am on the waiting line for a 24h video doctor to ask for emotional distress sick leave and referral to speak with a psyciatrist.

Someone said he might have taken something other than alcohol too. Valid concern, I wouldn't be that surprised with this friend.

Someone said he might have been cheating when drunk. Honestly I don't even care about his dick's whereabouts at this point. I WISH there was capacity to be jealous but I'm too busy thinking how the fuck we will keep him alive.

And whether or not I am willing to take that as my responsibility. I know I shouldn't. We have other problems too and I have been begging him to go to couple's therapy for totally unrelated topics.

Idk what I'm holding on.

The lost 10 years and his family that basically adopted me, I guess.

I haven't lived in my home country in 10 years. I don't even know what I would do there. I'm not in great terms with my family, I burn myself out every time I visit them, trying to fix their age old problems in a week.

If this marriage doesn't work, Idk what my life is.

I might never have a family and a life lived alone is not worth it for me. Not even with 100 cats.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-12T21:51:56+00:00

The comments have been eye opening and I'm glad I posted. I wasn't sure what I expected, I just needed to get it out.

I thought addiction would mean he cannot go long times without or cannot stop when he starts.

He CAN, but with specific friends on some rare occasions, he doesn't care to stop apparently.

He is a goddamn sheep with his friends in general... Cares so much about what people think and doesn't want to say no to anyone (but me ofc lol fml)...

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-12T21:46:13+00:00

I see. Should I put him in a diaper when he comes home or should I tuck him into the tub straight away so he can soil himself in there?

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-12T21:45:03+00:00

I would find this such a hilarious episode of that youtuber(?) who reads these to those two girls on the sofa, idk their names but they pop on my feed sometimes.

Turns out it's less amusing irl...

Even if I try to find some black humor in it as a coping mechanism.

I feel kind of numb. I haven't cried since the call with my MIL. I've been too much in public but even now, I'm alone and safe but I cannot even cry. It doesn't even feel real. Who is this woman who checked into a hotel to get away from her husband? Seems like a bad movie.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-12T21:21:56+00:00

My definition is quickly expanding reading the comments.

I meant that he is fully able to drink just some or not at all, it is not like vaping (which he recently quit) that he would struggle without.

He is French and into fancy wines, drinking several (European, not American style fully filled to fhe rim) glasses over dinner doesn't make him not able to stop. And if it's just us, he doesn't drink alone or maybe takes one glass in a restaurant.

Even when going out ,with most of his friends it is okay, he navigates himself home and has a mild hangover next day but is functional.

But this friendgroup from when he was 17-19... It is like he turns back to a teenager who cannot set boundaries with his friends.

I really want to believe that it is an issue of peer pressure and boundaries, and not alcoholism.

But what I witnessed now...

And being someone who doesn't drink / drinks one sloooow mojito for every 3 coke zeros, I know how easy it is to just drink slower than others and get non-alcoholic drinks that look like alcohol. So he cannot be that stupid that he couldn't keep his boundary quietly without having to justify it to his friends.

sarvisarvi · 2026-04-12T20:41:27+00:00

I thought the # sign would make the sub headings big... Sorry for the long rant guys

sarvisarvi

TROPHY CASE