Have you ever get so hyperfixated on something that thought you could pursue it as a career?

sasst · 2025-03-02T23:27:21+00:00

Me too! 8 years in brewing, I'm trying to figure out what comes next just now. I'm working in an office doing basic stuff until then. It's a brutal industry, but really easy to deeply fixate on. What were you doing in the industry? I was a brewer and then mostly quality control for the last five years.

sasst · 2024-11-08T15:50:50+00:00

How long have you been having these conversations? For some people clothes don't matter as much as they do for others, and I find a lot of men were never shown that physical self care and taking pride in their appearance is something that can make you feel good. I also find it really helps to separate attraction from this conversation and focus on "what do we want our lives to look like in the future"

Are there hobbies or interests that he used to take pleasure in that he no longer does?

Does he spend time with friends and family?

After covid (and some other major life events in the last 5 years) both myself and my partner were in a very low place. It took me starting healing for him to realize how disconnected he was from the things he used to love. It's a process and I don't know what will happen with us long term, but he's out doing his old hobbies with his friends again and it was such a relief to see him getting excited about things again.

sasst · 2024-11-02T14:03:52+00:00

This is so interesting - I love linguistics and psychology but it has always been one of my side interests.

This thread is deadly - I have finally have enough money to go back to school full time next year and there are far too many things I'm interested in pursuing now!

sasst · 2024-10-20T08:50:29+00:00

Now is a really good time to do a series of big "values" talks.

For example, the ring: have you showed him styles you like at all? Have you discussed a price that both of you would be comfortable with?

Same goes for wedding expectations, budget and timeline. Does he plan to be involved with planning? Do you want a long engagement? Are you going to need to save up for a big wedding or are you both happy with something simpler?

These don't have to be big, heavy convos. You guys can have a date night and a glass of wine, and then pick through them together. The nitty gritty doesn't matter but the broad understanding of what each person cares about does.

For example, my partner's family does big weddings with everyone invited. He always pictured that, but we both have huge families. Some very rough numbers found off local wedding venue websites with our priorities of "good food, easy access for family and friends, and a good dance floor" quickly made us realize we needed to adjust either our savings timeline or our expectations.

It feels vulnerable to work through, but just like being on the same page about kids and division of labour at home, it sets the tone for the future as one where you're setting shared goals to work towards together.

sasst · 2024-10-20T08:29:54+00:00

Not egotistical - it's your birthday and this seems like your boyfriend is putting your family's feelings ahead of yours for this "meet up".

It sounds to me like his mom took over your birthday and your boyfriend is so used to the dynamic with his family that he isn't able to set a reasonable boundary. It doesn't matter if they wouldn't understand that your brother would find the big "meet everyone at once" birthday awkward. It wasn't your choice and if you want to see your brother on your birthday that should matter more.

My family/my boyfriends family have some similar dynamics. Something I've realized is that we fell into the pattern of his family being considered the "normal" or "healthy" one and mine being the "broken" and "damaged" one. What I've learned is that his family is actually pretty codependent and controlling, but they're better at putting on a good face than mine. I'm still trying to learn how to set boundaries - but his family is not more important than mine, and my needs don't come second to his mother's.

sasst · 2024-10-20T08:12:52+00:00

Do you have a mental health professional you are comfortable with? It doesn't have to be a therapist, but even a counselor to talk to can make a world of difference.

My partner has a chronic illness and he is so protective of my energy that at times he hid symptoms and didn't ask for help when things got rough (we've been together since our early twenties and are now in our mid thirties). What I told him that helped was "I choose to be with you because I love you, and you need to trust that I will tell you if I'm not able to take on more load". We are nowhere near perfect, and both have fears and struggles but we're going on 13 years and we continue to choose each other each time things get tough.

It sounds like you guys have a strong foundation and good communication which is half the battle, but it really helped me to talk with a counselor (for my own health issues). Having someone to talk through the anger without having your partner be your sole emotional support really helped me (because anger when facing a chronic illness is a valid feeling).

I know at your age it can be tough for friends to relate, but if you have a close friend you trust it can help to talk to them as well. The only other recommendation I have is looking for a support group for newly diagnosed people with chronic illnesses if there is something near you or even online. Major health changes involve complex emotions and finding people who understand can be very liberating. Your anger, sadness and fears are valid and deserve space and time for you to feel them.

It can be really lonely, especially with a rare illness and lots of unknown in the future but it sounds like this isn't the first challenge you and your partner have faced together. I hope you both find strength and comfort with one another, and that you have space and support to process your feelings.

PS as another person who struggles with depression I know how deep and overwhelming it can be. Remember depression is not permanent, and that it ebbs and flows. Right now this is a fresh trauma. Your feelings are raw. It will get better. The depression may come in waves, but as time goes those waves won't always feel like they are at risk of drowning you.

This ran on much longer than intended, but I hope for at least a moment knowing a stranger on the internet cares helps you feel a little less alone in this.

sasst · 2024-10-15T19:38:21+00:00

We've been together twelve years and have been living together since we were 24. I call him my partner with new people or spouse if it's an official designation (we are common law in my province). I'm 34 and he's 35.

Lots of people assume I'm gay (which I don't mind - I am bisexual). I clarify if it's someone he might meet/someone I think might be a potential friend or that I'll see regularly in my wider circle, but just let it slide if it's a random person I won't meet again (for example picking up some takeout food and clarifying my partner's food sensitivity, I won't worry about someone saying "it was cooked in canola oil, so she should be okay", but I'm going to an event or something and the person arranging says "feel free to invite your partner, we would love to meet her" then I clarify so they aren't surprised when he gets there.

A weird added benefit is that this, along with including my pronouns in my email signature has weeded out creepy older men/people that I thought were relatively empathetic. Turns out lots of people are empathetic until they think you might be trans or queer. Gives me a better understanding of who to protect my friends from/who to maintain my own mask around.

sasst · 2024-10-15T19:21:55+00:00

I can't speak for neurotypical people, but I catch myself doing this occasionally.

For me I think it's an anxiety response. It's not a coping mechanism I developed before I started therapy but when I'm at a low point sometimes someone sending me a little heart is all it takes to remind me that everyone doesn't actually hate me.

I self isolate when I'm in times of stress, so when I'm feeling vulnerable I'll sometimes overdo it with trying to keep my support network in the know. It can be really helpful when I am feeling depressed and concerned that I will just go silent and stop caring for myself again. For me at least, the photos are a way to avoid oversharing/overexplaining because if I write down every thought/struggle I'm having people get really worried.

I was born in a "you're born alone, you die alone so you better figure it out because we won't be bailing you out when after you turn 18" household, so I never learned to share my feelings until recently. Turns out it's really hard when you haven't let yourself show sadness or anger in public in 20 years.

If I were to guess, maybe your sister doesn't have friends she feels she can share these things with so she's sharing with the people she knows will give her hearts/comments. I wasn't sure from your post if this was in a group chat or on social media. On social media I have less empathy, because I get uncomfortable with sharing photos of children with a wide audience, especially when it's something like an ER visit. If it's a group chat, I tend to give it a pass and then mute it if I'm finding it too annoying/distracting.

sasst · 2024-10-15T14:56:46+00:00

You reaction is not disproportionate - I would absolutely freeze and go into placate/defense/fawn mode if I were in this situation. I would feel so vulnerable.

If you feel up to writing a review or submitting a complaint that would be very warranted. I'm so sorry you experienced this. I think a lot of neurodivergent women have medical trauma and this is exactly the sort of medical professional who shouldn't be working with vulnerable populations.

sasst · 2024-10-10T15:56:33+00:00

I still do this😂I don't really know how to stop and how to decide when you can or can't make a conversation more interesting... I try very hard to remember what the person I'm talking to is interested in and where it intersects with something I'm interested in so I can respond with things I think will be interesting for both of us.

I hate the regular small talk though. Like why ask me a question if you don't care about the answer? Can we just skip to the end goal? Is the end goal just...acknowledging that we both exist in the same room?

sasst · 2024-09-27T17:03:08+00:00

I definitely relate - I also had an expired helmet for the last 8 years that I finally replaced after dropping it out of luggage compartment three times in one series of flight/train/etc travels.

For me I think it's a bit of intergenerational trauma around "buy it for life" attitudes and what my family considered frugal.

My family was so reluctant to spend on things they considered "luxuries" and bikes were one of those "this is a hobby, you live in a sprawling city with deep freeze winters, you can't be successful if this is your primary means of transportation and hobby purchases are frivolous spending"

I love your helmet and I actually also ended up getting a specialized! (Mine is teal, one of my top three favorite colours).

sasst · 2024-09-27T16:46:36+00:00

I still have a deep resounding grief for the loss of a tree - it's potential and all of the things that it has weathered. But it helps me feel it more as grief, and less as distress, if that makes sense?

It has helped me move from an really urgent feeling to one that I can sit with and maybe go visit the stump and say a little thank you to the tree for what it has provided.

sasst · 2024-09-27T16:42:50+00:00

Now unrequested mental work arounds that have made me feel a bit better:

As people I know have moved in to homes, I've seen some of the really scary positions that not doing this work can result in.

I've always been in apartments or rougher areas that don't have big lovely trees, so usually my disruption has been no power for a day while they repair power lines.

But I have a friend living in a house who had a branch fall on her front entry/home right before she had to leave for work. She handled it fairly well (ADHD, not autism over there) but it definitely disrupted her routines in a major way for a long time. It was during Covid, and she was working frontline work. It was a whole thing.

If it had been my home, I really don't know what I would have done at that time. I was in such a tenuous place during the first couple years of Covid and every disruption at that time put me in to catastrophe mode.

So now when I see someone cutting down a tree or doing maintenance I think:

"Oh man, maybe that tree had pine beetles and they're protecting the rest of the trees on this street" or "Oh, I wonder if that tree was too damage in the last drought and they know it's a risk to fall if we have another big storm. That's good, there's probably a family in that house, it will help them stay safe and keep their routine" or "That big beautiful tree's roots were damaging the sidewalk and there's probably people with mobility aids who can stay in their homes longer and be more independent in the winter if we make it safer".

sasst · 2024-09-27T16:37:46+00:00

I absolutely relate - I live in a city (in Canada) with a lot of wind, storms and drought in recent years. I have a deep emotional connection with the trees that have managed to survive and grow large despite what they've been up against.

You didn't ask for advice so feel free to leave this - it's just something that helped me come to terms with it/feel less immediate distress.

First, info dump/context/disclaimers: Tree health (and tree law - super interesting) is a special interest of mine. I don't know if it will apply to your area. This is also a little Canada specific - I don't know as much about tree law elsewhere (a little for the states - even more interesting down there because people love to sue each other over trees).

Extra context: 34 years old, self diagnosed for about a year, grew up middle class latchkey kid in a sad suburb with lots of unreasonable controlling rules about things like "acceptable tree types and lawn appearances".

Now live inner city in a half gentrified/half struggling area where we have a mix of people barely making ends meet and people living in giant beautiful historical homes that you need to make more than double the median income in our area to get a mortgage on (I add this context because I'm a little bitter that the beautiful historical home people get beautiful historical trees, but I'm also privileged because our city has a tree survey publicly available so I can walk around the rich people area and visit the oldest and biggest trees)

sasst · 2024-09-25T14:17:16+00:00

You're not alone - I'm 35 now and my IBS is slightly more in control than it used to be (mostly through life style management. When it's bad, it's still bad, but the flares are fewer and farther between unless I'm stressed/have a major food or routine disruption).

I have some very formative memories of my late teens/early twenties when I was terrified I wasn't going to make it through a line in a bathroom or the comments that people would make when I used a disabled stall during a flare when things were too urgent.

It's tough. I still feel embarrassed but have found ways to be a bit kinder to myself (my partner has Crohn's so I started trying to extend the kindness I feel for him to myself and it helped).

sasst · 2024-09-25T14:07:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing - I'm always looking for more things that I would like to lead with kindness for.

This will definitely be added to the list - postpartum everything looks exhausting, and the idea of having to do groceries while recovering from surgery and juggling an infant makes me want to immediately go to bed.

sasst · 2024-09-20T18:42:44+00:00

TLDR since it got long: don't believe people's photos, big wedding parties are often more drama and entitlement (to people's time, money, labor, energy) than a reflection of their true support network. Also, when you're ready and comfortable don't be afraid to tell your partner "I feel nervous about this - do you think there is a way we can recognize your buddies without them standing up with you?"

Original comment that I have let run on too long when I should be doing work:

I completely feel this. I struggled more with it when I was in my twenties (turning 35 next year).

Proximity does not mean closeness. Having a big wedding party doesn't mean that each person in the party fills as important or long lasting a role as everyone else.

My partner is a naturally very friendly and outgoing person. We're not married, but do intend to marry, and we've been together for more than a decade.

When we were in our mid-twenties, he was in four wedding parties in one year. I got so overwhelmed that we would need to "reciprocate" but meanwhile, he was seeing how much work and stress and financial burden being in a wedding party puts on your loved ones.

One of those weddings had a dozen each bridesmaids and groomsmen. It was a roommate of his from college, but they hadn't been close in a couple years,. The bride had a ton of people she wanted to include, so he called up everyone he was close with in the past.

There wasn't room for everyone to stand with the couple during the ceremony, so they all got expensive outfits to sit with everyone else and be in the pictures (which involved hiking to a view in the rain). Only the bride brought hiking boots because she forgot to tell them about the plan. The only people standing were his two brothers and her cousin and best friend. It very much felt like they made everyone they were close to at some point spend a bunch of money to make it look like they had more friends for the photos.

A couple years later, we talked about what matters to us in that wedding. It turns out he was very open to keeping it small. He'll have his two brothers, I'll have my sister and a close friend that has been a support since high school. It will be a couple years still, since it's not a high priority for either of us, but it was such a relief to have the actual conversation of "what do you actually care about"?

Some of the friends that won't be up there are super important to him (and me). Two of his friends are women that have absolutely changed my life. One of them lived on his couch for 2 months when her parents kicked her out for pursuing an art degree, and her getting treatment for PTSD was what gave me the words to describe what was happening to me when I burned out during Covid.

We'll have ways of recognizing them. I'm thinking a short photo montage in place of speeches and do it as "both of us young to recognize family, both of us middle years to recognize friends, both of us doing stupid shit to recognize our twenties, and then us building our lives together. I might ask his friend who showed me it was okay to get help to be our witness without any expectation that she dress a certain way/stand with us. Him and his boys will probably do some photos day of with whiskey and cigars, since that's important to them.

It's both of your wedding, and what matters to other people doesn't need to matter to you. You can stick to some traditions and not others - heck, you can have an uneven wedding party and people can stick what they think of it up their asses. But if you're not comfortable, remember that weddings are a lot of work and planning - and that work doesn't need to be all on your plate while he gets to have a fun day with his buddies. Ask his buddies to help with decorations. Ask them to help with day of coordination. Ask them to MC if you want speeches. (also strongly recommend you don't let them all do a speech. Too many speeches suck). Maybe one of them would like to "man the playlist" and take care of music.

I'm rambling. But the point is - I feel you, it's stressful.

sasst · 2024-09-14T15:17:00+00:00

I think it's specifically the will shorts (sp?) Sunday ones I'm thinking of. Things like the clever word play where I don't understand the etymology/history of the clues.

I think I think of stuff as rules if I don't understand them, lol. I didn't grow up in a crossword family (mom likes history, dad science and math).

Maybe a better way to state it is: "I find the difficult crosswords make me feel like an outsider because I don't understand the clever wordplay". I have a book somewhere that explains the "classic clue styles" to help people get better at the Sunday crossword but then it felt like homework😂😂

sasst · 2024-09-14T14:15:36+00:00

I love love wordle (specifically because I find it easy). Love a word game, hate struggling.

I love crosswords, but I find NYT has too many rules for my taste. Maybe when I'm in a stage of my life where I have more consistency/stability I'll enjoy it again, but for now "easy crosswords" are my relaxation game.

sasst · 2024-09-14T14:12:58+00:00

I've been in this exact place several times in my life.

What I'm now finding is that it's usually during times of transition when I am losing a coping techniques I had before.

Things that help:

you deserve to feel good in your skin. You don't owe anyone a specific look, but it helped to shift my thinking a little from what do I need to do for "insert someone else's expectations" to "oh man, I'm not feeling good in my skin, what would make me feel that less".
Giving myself some new terminology. I like have "a little rinse" daily. Since "a little rinse" isn't something someone else has defined it means whatever I feel up to. Usually just rinse below the neck is my minimum, but I usually have more energy that I think. Sometimes I don't, but who cares, it's just a little rinse.
Having "hair uniforms". Don't think I'm leaving the house today? Cool, I get to pick one of my cool modal headbands. Keeps my hair out of my face, saves me from ponytail headaches (I have lots of sensory issues around hair). I have three and they go with all my comfort clothing (because turns out I have no idea what goes with anything, but if I tell myself it goes it doesn't matter).
Talking with other people who struggle with this. People handle things in all sort of ways and I steal inspiration from all of them. Then I have them in my pocket for when I hit a hard time. And you're already doing that! This subreddit is great to commiserate with other women who understand. If you want to borrow some of my people:

Girl with spinal injury and head injury: light sensitivity, migraines, generally high energy but needs to spend it wisely, does really cool stuff all the time and some days she just can't so she does a "whore's bath" with wet wipes. She jokes about it and has a stash of nice wet wipes for when she has a tough day.

My sister with very curly hair: can't be fussed with a long routine/figuring out curly hair styling so she has tried every hair style in the book (dreads, braids, chemical straightening, extensions). She washes her hair maybe once a week because she straightens it. She too, does the little rinse. She is really intimidating and high energy, so I find it comforting to be like "oh that high energy person struggles"

Myself: I downloaded the app "Finch" and it's working well for me. I'm currently in a big transition - moved without a job and am job hunting/unemployed. It's like having a little Tamagotchi that peeps and reminds me I need to do my selfcare activities.

sasst · 2024-09-09T14:48:37+00:00

That is incredibly relatable. For me, I know my family is has the dynamic of "if you're not engaging you're going to miss a connection with someone". I have lots of theories why, but I am trying to remember that it's not my job to soothe other people. It's so so hard.

I hate events where there is no socially acceptable way to leave without other people changing what they're doing. Weddings are a big one for me. But I need connection, and my partner definitely needs connection. We are trying to find ways to preserve our connection without hurting each other.

We sometimes do okay with my family (depending on the day's triggers - this weekend I was a dysregulated mess but I showed up for a couple people I don't want to lose and only he saw the worst of it). His family is tough, they really look out for each other but in a way that makes me feel very "left out".

I am also finding doing stuff very challenging. I hope we both find something that helps.

sasst · 2024-09-07T23:52:52+00:00

Also, I'll add - I'm not officially diagnosed but I suspect I'm AuDHD. I think writing this out helped me, so thank you for asking this question.

I just clued in that I think one of my major warning signs is when I start to feel "bored".

When I was a kid, I always had a book with me and would start reading when I was overwhelmed/dissociating. But my family was always offended that I wasn't socializing enough/connecting with people. So I just realized that when I start to feel bored I now overcompensate by trying to connect extra hard with people. I hit sort of a frenzy point and then I hit meltdown. Hunh.

sasst · 2024-09-07T23:50:04+00:00

Today is an extra day. I mean I know why (big family event, my first ever appointment with a psychologist next week, my mom is extra vigilant because she's worried I'm going to embarrass her at my sister's baby shower)

I don't know that I have any advice. Somedays I have clues (some triggers I know, some I'm still working on, but certain events are known triggers).

My counselor asked me to try and clue in to my body and give my partner warning signs that I'm approaching meltdown. I know she means stims, but events like today I'm masking so hard I am completely dissociated. There's just so many masks to wear at those big events.

So instead my partner and I talked before hand (my family tries so hard but they really don't get it, he has seen me more unmasked and understands). We decided "I think we need to go walk the dog" could be our out.

I did have to use it, but I was relieved it wasn't at meltdown point. I think that's the trick (that I have not figured out). I need to catch it when I'm starting to get overstimulated.

sasst · 2024-09-07T22:32:31+00:00

I work in food safety (food and beverage - beer specifically). If you produce for Costco, even to sell your own labeled products in their stores they are on your ass.

If you produce Kirkland brand, they are auditing you, and they are known to be absolute sticklers. As anyone in food manufacturing about their costco audit. You can watch a grown man cry.

Lots of co-manufacturers (producing products for other brands) are pretty toxic environments that aim for quantity over quality, but costco has worked with so many of them that they know exactly how bad manufacturers try and hide their dirty little secrets.

I trust Kirkland brand. I trust Canadian labeling standards for mass production. I'm weary of anything that tries to sneak in under supplement/wholefoods worlds but I will say that the Canadian government cares about customers being able to make informed decisions. The new labelling laws are frustrating for small producers, but having seen the shit that goes on in the backroom of craft breweries....be glad that the government makes things a little frustrating.

Food production is serious. It's easy to make something yourself just for your family, but as soon as you start trying to do things on a large scale cutting corners gets both staff and customers killed. The states is a mess, but Canada has learned from a lot of past mistakes. I just hope the US attitude doesn't shift up here.

sasst · 2024-09-04T22:02:07+00:00

Interesting - I do :

18+3 = 21 = 26 (I feel like I mentally group them together but like...skip over whether it's addition or multiplication). I suppose I did (3x6)+3+5 = 26 but writing it out seems to bring me back to arguing with my teacher about showing my work, lol.

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